Sanity: 5¢

Meet Exact-Change Woman! She can't leap tall buildings in a single bound and she sure as hell ain't faster than a speeding locomotive. She can, however, leave long lines in her wake and has the ability to make time stand still. I had the displeasure of waiting 5 minutes out of my life, while she rummaged through her purse, her pockets and her coin purse. After exhausting all avenues, I thought she was gonna reach behind someone's ear and magically produce coinage. She continued to search for that all-consuming nickel that would irrevocably alter all our lives forever. Like The Breakfast Club, but much, much more frustrating.

My mind raced with questions that demanded to be answered: Could she do it? Did she have the moxie? Would any of us ever be the same again? Did I really need bagel chips? Both I, the cashier and the 2 people behind me, waited with bated breath. Once...twice, three times a dimwit. Eureka! She found it! It was in her pocket the whole time. That doggone rascally nickel. And that my friends, is the heroic tale of Exact-Change Woman. She'll forever have a special place in my colon heart.

Here's my question: What-the-fuck is up with old people and exact change? Another of my shopping pet peeves. Even my mom does this bullshit. Believe it or not, I'm normally a pretty patient person. More so than a lot of the people I encounter on a daily basis. However, my patience begins to wane when excessive retardery comes into play. Isn't the convenience factor pretty much made null and void once you've had to scour the four fuckin' corners of the globe to retrieve it? I'm completely mystified by this thought process. Maybe I just expect toomuch from people. You'd think at some point common sense would kick in and tell them that instead of making a bunch of other people wait while you go on a scavenger hunt in your purse, simply hand over a fuckin' dollar bill and be done with it all. WTF?

Have a...

Hazzardous Hottie Alert

The Dukes of Hazzard movie trailer is now available online. Click here, to see it, or go to the official website and download some buddy icons or desktop wallpapers! Johnny plays the part of Luke Duke. He's so cute, he makes me wanna shout Yeeeeeee-haaaaaaaw!
[ Click image to enlarge ]

Kirkkitsch Comes to South Park

I've seen these South Park-inspired characters on other people's blogs, but I never knew where they came from and just assumed they were some random South Park characters that I had never seen before. Well, apparently there is a site that allows you to create/personalize your own South Park character! Fun! In addition to this hyperlink, I have also added the site to the Links list, under the Fun 'N Games category. Meet 'Kirkkitsch.' He's so excited and he just can't hide it.

T.A.G.: The Answer Game...*

Wendy?
Yes Lisa
Is the water warm enough?
Yes Lisa
Shall we begin?
Yes Lisa

I was tagged with this meme a few days ago by Stacy, so here are my answers...a little late:

Total volume of music files on my computer: 1494

The last CD I bought was: Verve Remixed 3

Song playing right now: "Love Theme" from the movie Blade Runner

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:

“I Wish You Love” by Blossom Dearie
“Before You Leave” by Pepe Deluxe
“Falling From Grace” by Gentle Waves (*From the movie Pumpkin)
“Somebody Told Me (Josh Harris Remix)” by The Killers
“Computer Blue” by Prince (*From the movie Purple Rain)

Five people to pass this on to:

I'm gonna pass this onto all the good folks who are my newest blog link additions: Blog, Tarsier, Blog!, The Life Cycle of a Fruitfly, Mussel Juice, Scrunty Bastard and Cheeky Prof, just because I feel like it.

*80's movie reference: Tag: The Assassination Game.

A Sandwich is Just a Sandwich…But a Manwich is a MEAL!

I recently stumbled across this album of images while browsing through people's photo albums at MSN.com. I thought these were rather well done (as well as being fun eyecandy), so I thought I'd share them here, with you. Shown are: Justin Timberlake, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Vin Diesel, Colin Farrell, Tom Cruise, Elijah Wood, Jude Law, Dean Cain, Vin Diesel (yes, again!), Colin Farrell (ditto) and Joey Lawrence.

BurgerTime

Paris Hilton is in the limelight yet again. This time, though, I actually think it's pretty great. Apparently a commercial she recently did for the fast food chain Carl's Jr., is causing quite a stir among the folks at (are you ready for this?)...Parents Television Council (AKA The Christian Reich Right). Yet, another reason to love the commercial.

I saw the commercial. It's nothing you haven't already seen on a tittilicious episode of Married With Children, so I can totally appreciate the humor and pop culture of it all. The only reason it's a "problem" now is because it's taking place during the Bush administration, who I think have bigger problems to worry about than some socialite on TV getting all wet 'n wild over a hamburger. Kudos to Hilton for having a sense of humor about herself while taking advantage of her popularity and kudos to Carl's Jr. for having the media savvy to take advantage of a pop culture phenomenon. I predict the commercial/campaign is already headed on its' way into the annals of advertising history. They are SO gonna sell a helluva lot of Spicy Burgers.

Click here to see the commercial (if you're like me, we don't have Carl's Jr. here).

Carl's Jr. Doesn't See Beef With Paris Ad

(Fox News) A burger ad featuring a scantily clad Paris Hilton isn't "too hot," said a Carl's Jr. executive. Rather, he said, the critics of the ad just might be "too old."

"There seems to be sort of a generational gap in the reaction to this ad," said Brad Haley (search), the company's executive vice president of marketing.

In an appearance on "Your World With Neil Cavuto" on Wednesday, Haley seemed nothing but pleased with the attention the ad has gotten.

"Young people have sent us many e-mails and called saying this is the best ad they have ever seen," Haley said.

The ad in question features the hotel heiress-turned-online porn star-turned-reality TV star in a revealing black bathing suit soaping up both a Bentley and herself and doing suggestive things with a water hose. The 30-second spot ends with Hilton's signature line: "That's hot."

But watchdog groups like the Parents Television Council (search) say the ad is much too hot for prime time.

"People ... are choosing to take their business elsewhere because they are so [disgusted] with this commercial," PTC's Melissa Caldwell told FOX News' Bill O'Reilly on "The O'Reilly Factor."

"This blatant sexually charged ad has no place on the public airwaves, and especially when children are in the audience. Carl's Jr./Hardees need to be held responsible for marketing their raunchy, sexually graphic ad to millions of children via broadcast television and at the Carl's Jr./Hardees' web sites without any restrictions," the PTC said in a press release.

The PTC is contemplating taking their beef with the ad to the Federal Communications Commission. Carl's Jr. and Hardees are both operated by CKE Restaurants (CKR).

"Paris goes down to the corner to get a carton of milk and it makes the news. So we knew this would get attention ... it has definitely exceeded our expectations," Haley said.

Haley told FOX News the company intended to target young men, saying they "drive" the fast food industry. But he saw an appeal to young women as well.

Hilton "is an amazing figure in terms of her interest value, not only to young guys but among young women as well, who see her as a style-setter," Haley said.

Though the West Coast-based fast food company's logo is a kid-friendly, smiley-faced star, in recent years it has targeted "motorcycle-driving, beer-drinking men between 24 and 30," said Ad Week's Barbara Lippert.

"If you need to get someone to get on their hands and knees and eat a Whopper, she is the Einstein of gorging on all fours," Lippert said Monday on "The O'Reilly Factor." "This particular skill set plays very well with her — if it's soaping, licking, you've got her strong suits."

As offensive as the ad may be to more discerning consumers, Lippert said the ad was a win-win: for the company, which has gone after the Maxim lad-mag market, and for Hilton, who seems to want to hold onto her unconventionally earned fame.

"What they're doing is... as semi-pornographic as they possibly can. And I think if you saw Paris Hilton in other commercials, she's just an annoying, B-list celebrity. And it's unbearable to listen to her talk.

"Here, at least, they don't have her say a word," Lippert said.

---

*Thanks to Terri for the heads up on this one! ;)

He Was Just Grrrrreeeat!

Thurl Ravenscroft, who provided the rumbling "They're Grrrrreeeat!" for Tony the Tiger in countless Kellogg's ads and voiced a host of Disney characters, has died. He was 91.

For more than 50 years, Ravenscroft was the affable voice behind Tony the Tiger, TV's popular cartoon pitchman for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes.

Click here for the complete story from The Washington Post.

Mental Goulash 7

[1] I'm in love with Roger the Alien on Fox's Amercan Dad. Proof that the spirit of Paul Lynde is still alive and kicking.

[2] I'm Jonesin' for a meatball sub from Subway. Bell peppers, black olives, Parmesan and some black pepper, please. Too bad all the stores don't carry Provolone. White American just ain't the same...on so many levels.

[3] I'm lovin' me the new Lipton Green Tea with Citrus. My faith in green tea has been restored.

[4] Lady Mac showed this recent computer-generated-rendering of King Tut on her blog recently, to which my first reaction was "drag queen." However, she neglected to show the profile view. Ack! It's Woody Woodpecker!

[5] What's with George Lucas' neck? Nostalgia got the better of me recently and I watched a "behind the scenes/making of" the new Star Wars movie and it contained recent interview footage. That's when I noticed George's goiter. I bet it's filled with sunflower seeds.

[6] Presenting Mr. and Mrs. Fugly (AKA newlyweds Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney). She has Mop & Glo squinchpuss. He's got a terminal case of whitetrash-face, but makes up for it by looking good in a tank top. Either way, they're both so ugly, they have to sneak up on a glass to get a drink of water. Bleah.

[7] I saw an episode of American Idol a few weeks ago and thought Bo Bice was pretty cute (with the Flyman/Bono circa Pop Mart tour glasses). Then I recently stumbled across this picture of his father. Is it just me or does he bear a striking resemblance to Ren & Stimpy's George Liquor?

[8] Finally, a smart idea! I love these new Fuse-Lite birthday cake candles! Each wick is connected to the next with a filament-like fuse that has a domino-like effect when lit. Just one flick of your Bic and you've got the job done! How cool is THAT?! Brilliant.

[9] Giving in to the FCC's accusations of 'indecent exposure,' you'll be relieved to know that the Kool-Aid Man is no longer airing his ice cubes in public...thanks to his new pants. Stop the madness!

[10] Remember these gems from the era of the original Star Wars movies? God, I thought they were cool.

[11] I don't know about where you live, but here in Texas, the Wal-Mart sales circulars use real Wal-Mart employees/relatives of employees as models in their sales circulars. This is the first one I've seen in about 10 years that had someone who was actually remotely hot. The usual troglodyte fodder is just one gold filling away from a Jerry Springer episode.

[12] Who names their child after an inexpensive carbonated beverage? What's next? "These are my daughters, Sprite Remix and Splenda."

[13] Is it legal to marry an inanimate object? 'Cause I'm lovin' me some Everything bagels these days.

[14] I've fallen in love with Buffy The Vampire Slayer, all over again, or should I say I've fallen in love with Spike and Xander, all over again. I've been watching the reruns on FX, and being reminded how much I used to enjoy the show. I stopped watching after season 3 (the whole "Riley"/military base storyline was a major yawnfest), so I'm getting to enjoy "new" (to me) episodes again. Spike purty.

[15] Say hello to my current Slurpee favorite: Lime Crush. OMG, it's beyond good.

[16] How cool are these retro pin-up girl checks I found at The Styles Check Company (there are actually 4 different designs, just 2 are shown)?! I now feel compelled to order more checks. They also offer matching address labels, business cards and check covers! They also have some awesome KISS checks and Hershey's checks with Reese's, Krackle and Mr. Goodbar! Sweet!

[17] How cute are these little guys? I discovered these yesterday at Sav-A-Lot. They were 4 for $1. They're little 8.45 oz. bottles of soda that come in assorted flavors. The brand name is called Chubby and the logo is a little chubby guy wearing a sideways baseball cap. Too cute! I bought the flavors: Orange, Grape, Pineapple and (my personal favorite) GREEN CREAM SODA! Mmmmm!

Jesus, It's What's for Dinner!

Here are some divine articles I thought you, my readers, may find of interest. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

[1] On a recent trip to the nearby True Value Hardware, I noticed that they had begun carrying all kinds of fresh assorted candies & nuts near the check out counter (AKA "POP: Point of Purchase). I bought some Gummy Worms and some Green Apple Licorice (think Twizzlers, but instead of cherry/strawberry, green apple!). Man, were they good!

Finding myself bored and feelin' snacky, I decided to read the package's nutrition label and made a somewhat surprising (this is Texas, after all) discovery: Jesus built my hotrod candy treats! Aaaiiigggh! My throat is burning! What a world...what a world! Kack! Okay, I'm being dramatic. I'm not really melting.

Nonetheless, I did find the packaging disturbing. If you look closely, each bag has the phrase "Take time for family and prayer - Always give praise." Then there's the row of golden (natch) crosses running across the bottom of the label. Mmmm sacrilicious. I wonder what they'd think if they knew a heathen like me was partaking of their consecrated confections? Oh well, they got their money, and if we've learned anything from Christianity, it's that Jesus loves tithing.

[2] (AP) A honey-mustard pretzel that the seller, the Naylors of St. Paul, Nebraska, believe is in the shape of the Virgin Mary holding the baby Jesus, shown in March 2005, sold on eBay for $10,600. Machelle Naylor's 12-year-old daughter, Crysta, said she discovered the pretzel while snacking and watching television.

[3] Christians: The other white meat. (AP) A frame grab from a video shows a lion attacking a man who jumped into the animal's enclosure and shouted "Jesus will save you!" at the Taipei Zoo in Taiwan. The man suffered from bite marks on his arms and legs. "He imagined he heard voices," psychiatrist Teng-Hui-wen told reporters.

[4] And last, but certainly not least, this is a screen capture of a commercial I recently saw late, late one night on television. And it really, really works, too! Why, a woman got a settlement of 1.6 million dollars after receiving and drinking her FREE Miracle Spring Water* (or so the commercial went on to say)!

Wow. And people wonder why I'm cynical about the whole religion thing? I'm ordering some for all my friends. Jokes this good don't come along every day. Order yours today!

*Miracle Spring Water may cause diarrhea and loose stools.

Canned, Frosted, Frozen, Boiled and Fried

[1] Some of the items sold at the nearby Rainbo Bread outlet. Why people would pay nearly $3 for a loaf of Sara Lee bread, when they can get it for 89¢, I'll never understand.

Canned tamales for 99¢? Yes, please! And speaking of 'yes, please,' who could resist a delicious, frosted honey bun? Not I, said the heart transplant recipient. I also love the little Cloverhill chef, on the logo. And though these ARE delicious, they fall under the same category as Frosted Flakes to me: So sweet that one will be more than enough for a long, long time.

[2] I bought this Hormel/Dinty Moore Turkey & Dressing (with gravy) dinner at the local Walgreen's, because A) It was on sale and B) I was starving. It WAS delicious, however, there were a few drawbacks.

1) When I pulled the protective cover off the microwaveable container, my first thought was "Do I smell cat farts? I don't have a cat." It turned out it was just the meal. After checking the expiration date, I knew it was 'fresh' because it had an expiration date of like 2007 or something. Thankfully, the second one I opened didn't smell the same. Weird. And 2) There were some kind of weirdo, crunchy things in the stuffing that i didn't care for. It was a texture-thing, more than a flavor-thing. I think they were there to give the palpable-illusion of fresh celery in the stuffing, but they were more like little cubes of weirdo-crunchy bok choy. Still, overall, very tasty and I WOULD buy it again.

[3] The new 99¢ Snacker at KFC. A very good deal all around: surprisingly filling and very delicious.

[4] Tom's is the only brand (around here, anyway) that still makes those delicious Doritos-style flavors that I miss: Taco and Pizza. YUM!

[5] Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Even though I do know how to cook (though you'd never know it, by eating at my house), I am somewhat of a frozen dinner connoisseur. Though I don't normally go in for the typical frozen dinner (i.e. Hungry Man, Swanson, Banquet,etc.), on occasion I do like to buy the "family size" frozen entrees simply because that means I don't have to cook for at least 3 days. Well, instead of paying the absorbitant prices that "name" brands like Stouffer's and Marie Callender's (bleah, I swear that bitch is trying to kill me) wants for a frozen entree, I've experimented with the considerably cheaper (by $4-5) store brands.

First the bad news: Kroger brand frozen Lasagna is poopiedook (I generally don't like to get this technical, but I felt compelled to do so for the sake of this review). The meat is weird and gristly and just has a creepy gamy taste to it. Needless to say, I stopped at the Lasagna. If they can fuck up something as simple as lasagna, then why bother with the rest?

Now for the GOOD news: Tom Thumb/Safeway-brand of frozen Lasagna is AWESOME. Even better than Stouffer's. Good quality. Good taste. With the success of their Lasagna, I had to try their Chicken Enchiladas. O M G! Their awesomeness overwhelmed me. Wow. They were really, REALLY good. Bordering on orgasmic. Seriously. I was afraid that the chicken was gonna be some weirdo mystery pieces. Au contraire mon frere! Again, good quality as well as good taste. For $8, you can't friggin' beat it with a stick. Trust me. Go get some now.

[6] I stumbled upon a Taco Casa while out and about in a nearby town. I love Taco Casa! They have such nice, fresh ingredients. They also have a great hot sauce, man were my lips on fire! Twenty minutes later, that's not all that was on fire, but I'll spare you the elaboration.

[7] A few weeks ago Derik and I had lunch at Dairy Queen. Mmmm steak fingers basket, Derik's favorite!

[8] And last, but not least, these poor guys. Our local Tom Thumb is having a crawfish jamboree and these little guys are the star attraction. They had two humongous buckets of them in the deli section: live. Poor kids...but they do make a mean po' boy!

I hope you've enjoyed my foray into premature heart attack territory. Thank you.

Gutterball

I spent the weekend doing some long-overdue yardwork (God, how I detest it). And as a result I also did some long-overdue sneezing, sniffing, loogie-hocking and nose-blowing. Oh, the glamour of home ownership. NOT.

Since summer has officially arrived here in Texas (101º this weekend), my wacky, yet chokeable lovable next door neighbor, Ms. Fossil has begun sitting outside in her porch-swing-type-thing. You may ask, "But Kirk, how does this pertain to you doing yardwork?" Allow me to elaborate. Since her swing is in direct view of my storage house where I keep my various tools (i.e. leafblower, rake, weedwhacker...ax) I must pass by her in order to get to it. This translates into an inevitable impromptu "friendly" conversation about how I haven't mowed my back yard for weeks, how she hasn't seen me around (translation: I see you leave/return, but don't know where you go. Tell me where you've been and why.) and, of course, how my trees, lawnmowing technique, leaf-blowing, etc., is ruining her fragile eco system she calls a life.

So I wait...and I wait...and I wait. I'm really not in the mood for the Spanish Inquisition disguised as idol chit-chat, so I try to wait her out until she hobbles back inside. I find myself avoiding passing by the windows in the den because I don't want her to think I am spying on her and her misc. gaggle of visitors she has sitting outside. Then I get a grip and say "fuck it" (I say that a lot) and tell myself that I live here too and she can bite my big ol' butt. Then I continue to wait for her to go inside. Here are some distractions I've considered to get her to go inside or at least move, so I can sprint to the shed undetected:

1) Hoist a large rock into her back yard and scream "Meteor shower!"
2) Hiding behind a tree and pretending to be the voice of Jesus (she luvs her some televangelists), and telling her to go inside and that it's "my will."
3) Blocking my number and calling her in hopes that she'll hear the phone ringing and get up to go inside and answer it.

I normally don't have to be this crafty, simply because I normally put on my dark sunglasses and wireless headphones (connected to the computer's iTunes) and walk right past her, oblivious to my surroundings. However, I bought some cheap-ass Kroger-brand batteries that were on sale for 99¢, which apparently have the shelf life/zeal of Liberace's penis at the Playboy mansion. So, until I can get me some batteries, I'll have to think of something else. Then it hits me! Cordless phone! I'll pretend to be on the telephone and she won't talk to me because of it. Sweet!

So, now that I have my battle plan set in motion (it worked, BTW), I begin the ominous task of doing yardwork. I mow both the front and back lawns. I trim some trees (the ones I can reach) of excess/dead branches. I wash the sides of the house (aluminum siding...dirty). I edge the sidewalk with the weedwhacker. And I blow all the excess into the street with my leafblower (squirrel pizza- road casualty).

Then comes time to (insert ominous music hear) clean the gutters. Ack! First off, let me preface this my saying that I don't know how to approach a lot of yard/home-related activities that I am supposed to be able to do myself. Second, I'll admit that the first time I cleaned out the gutters all I was equipped with was an ice cream scoop and a whisk broom. Shut up! I didn't know what I was gonna need! Needless to say, it took for friggin' EVER and was not very effective. With age comes wisdom, so this time around I was better equipped with a pair of thick work gloves and a new super-powerful nozzle that I'd just purchased at True Value Hardware. It's actually a lot cooler-looking than the one in my blog image, and considerably shorter, yet just as effective. AND it only cost me $1.34!! WOOT! You can't beat that with a stick! It's yellow and kinda reminds me of the top of the lid on those old bear-shaped honey dispensers.

So I get up the ladder and discover that I no longer have functional gutters but instead, very long terrariums. In retrospect I should have put all of that gunk into a pot and planted something in it. It would have thrived like gangbusters, I'm sure. It took a couple of hours, but I got the job done and the gutters are now doing their job. Now I just have to clean out the gutters in the FRONT of the house. Ugh. I'll put that on my 'To Do' list.

The moral(s) of my story:

1) Don't be a loser like me. Marry someone rich so that you can afford to pay someone else to do your yardwork for you.
2) Carry Kleenex in your pocket. A T-shirt is not an absorbant tissue.
3) The elderly are easily fooled.
4) The right tools for the right job are essential in your success.

Tag! I'm it

Loup tagged me with this on THURSDAY, so I figured I'd better get the lead out. It's not that I didn't realize it, I just had a hard time answering the questions! So, here goes:

1. Total number of books I’ve owned:
Oh man, I have no idea. Right now, I'd say it was in the hundreds.

2. Last book I bought:
Dressed For Thrills: 100 Years of Halloween Costumes and Masquerade by Phyllis Galembo, Mark Alice Durant, Valerie Steele. © 2002

3. Last book I read:
Inamorata by Joseph Gangemi. © 2004

4. Five books that mean a lot to me:

1) A book of Ghost Stories my parents bought for me when they went to Europe in the 80's. I can't get to the book right now, so I can't tell you who wrote it.
2) Shinji: Evangelion: Photograph Book. Someone I had a crush on bought it for me while they were in Japan.
3) Games For Halloween by Mary E. Blain © 1912. Given to me by my mother, when I was 13 years old.
4) The Blue-Nosed Witch by Margaret Embry © 1956
5) My series of Alfred Hitchcock children's books © 60's.

5. Now tag 5 people.
Terri, Suzanna, Sarah, Mariana, Transcience and Stacy. If any of you don't 'do' stuff like this on your blog, don't sweat it. I promise I won't cry...much. jk! ;)

R.I.P. Fred Flintstone

Henry Corden, the voice of cartoon caveman Fred Flintstone for more than two decades, has died. He was 85.

Corden died of emphysema Thursday night at AMI Encino Hospital, his longtime agent Don Pitts said Friday. Corden's wife of nine years, Angelina, was with him at the time. For the full story, click here.

Thanks for all the Yabba-dabba-doos, Corden, I did have a gay ol' time (no pun intended)! Thanks too, for all the great memories. Long live the Kool-Aid generation.
1920 - 2005

Top-Notch Parenting Skills and Wal-Mart Join Forces

Angry Boy Becomes Toy Machine Prize

(AP) Trying to get a toy from a vending machine turned into quite an adventure for a three-year-old Indiana boy.

James Manges climbed into a vending machine at a Wal-Mart yesterday and wound up stuck there for an hour.

His mother says he got upset when she wouldn’t let him put money in the machine. When she looked away, he climbed inside.

Wal-Mart employees couldn’t find the key to the machine, so they had to call the fire department to get him out.

Firefighters say James appeared to enjoy himself. Several store customers bought disposable cameras to take his picture.

---

Do I really need to comment on this one? Oy. In a completely unrelated, yet somehow relevant story (I smell a merger!):

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Police Arrest Two Suspected Human Skinners

DAR ES SALAAM (Reuters) Tanzanian police arrested two men accused of killing a 9-year-old boy and selling his skin for 20,000 shillings ($18) to make sorcerers' get-rich-quick charms, a senior officer said Friday.

Police said they arrested Martin Kalunga, 25, and his associate Nico Benson, 31, in Lilwa village in southern Tanzania Tuesday after neighbors overheard Benson accusing Kalunga of plotting with their buyer to skin him as well. The identity of the buyer was unclear.

"The two were arrested after they had a loud quarrel, because Benson suspected Martin of colluding with their buyer to skin him," Suleiman Kova, police commander for the southern Mbeya region, told Reuters.

"During interrogation, Martin confessed that they were both skinners and that they had skinned a boy in Mbozi six months ago. They then threw his body into the river Jianga," Kova said.

"These cases are few but are very shocking," he said.

Kova said police expected to charge the pair once they had completed investigations into the identity of the victim, whose remains have not been found.

He said he was not aware of any report of a missing child that would match the description given by the suspects, but police were still making inquiries.

Human skins are used by witch doctors to make charms or potions designed to make their users rich, especially in southern Tanzania, renowned as a center for traditional sorcery.

Police say the once rampant practice has decreased significantly in recent years due to tougher action by the authorities, describing this as the first suspected skinning case in southern Tanzania since April 2004.

Kova said there were three reported cases of skinning in 2003 and 14 suspects have been arrested since April last year in relation to various skinning cases, although providing evidence of skin removal is often difficult.

"We have to find a body and do a post mortem to have a good case," Kova said.

Oh, to be a...

snowflake

baby crocodile(FYI, Johnny Knoxville is the bitee)

tank top

As usual, I'm always searching for ways to incorporate some of my favorite images into my blog somehow. Well, this is going to be the first in a series of future blogs I'll be doing. You get the idea, I'm sure.

Old People Stink!

Okay, let me preface this by saying two things:

1) While writing this blog entry it dawned on me that age doesn't necessarily determine whether or not you're a dumb asshole, as much as your actions, So save any outrage you may have for your AARP representative.

2) I realize that the woman in the bottom right-hand corner of the collage is not technically 'old,' but she WAS being an asshole and besides, I needed another picture for my collage.

Now that that's over, let's turn this mutha OUT!

[1] First, I must apologize for the blurry image, but it was the only one that I took where the woman was facing me. I found this gutter-mouthed granny at the local Denny's late one night. Being the perceptual antenna that I am, I instantly honed in on her extremely foul-mouthed conversation. Actually, this one was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it was funny to hear an elderly woman talking like a sailor with Tourettes. On the other hand, she went on WAY too long with it. I wanted to smack her in the face with a Moon Over My Hammy platter and say "Shut the fuck up already! Take it home, asshole!" I'm such a delicate flower.

[2] Ugh. This bitch would NOT let up at the local shipping store. She was mailing some bullshit Walmart special somewhere and just wasn't going to be satisfied with however it was being packed. She kept on and on AND ON about it. The woman checking her out was using a proper-sized box, syrofoam peanuts AND bubblewrap. Even I couldn't figure out what more she wanted. I was tempted to offer the suggestion that the woman stick it up her ass and twinkletoe it on over to its' recipient. And naturally, as with all old people, she didn't want to pay anything for the service. I wanted to punch her in the face and yell "Hit the bricks, you cheap bitch!"

[3] This is Arianna Huffington's grandma, Huff-n-Puff Huffington. I swear to god she exerted more energy huffing, puffing and irritably shifting from foot to foot, than most low-impact aerobic workouts. Sure, I hate to wait in line, too. But, you know what? IT'S A PART OF LIFE!! Get the fuck over it already! I love how old people feel like they are some kind of exception to the fuckin' rule. And if it's a matter of having tender toes or some such other bullshit ailment that makes them think they should be exempt from life's routines, then stay the fuck home. Make a fuckin' cocoon and curl up and die already. Old people that think society owes them something simply because they still have a pulse are one of my number one pet peeves! Ech. Good riddance!

[4] If only Jesus had a site on his life rifle. This dumbass was at the aforementioned shipping establishment on another day, when I walked in. He was in the process of some serious prayer peddling. He would have went on for at least another 10 minutes, had I not rescued the poor woman (she's from India) who runs the place by approaching the counter to mail a package.

He was hawking some bullshit church (Christian, naturally) and had the audacity to make some kind of overt, sideway comment about terrorism to this woman!! Something to the effect that Jesus doesn't want 'us' to blow things up. Gah. I wanted to pummel him with Jesus' love, disguised as a sock full of nickels.

He went on to outline the church program that he brought with him and give it to her before he left. Ugh! I'm mystified why she let him ramble as long as she did. I hate religious fools who force feed unsuspecting people on Jesus and his supposed teachings (as interpreted by them).

[5] These two dingleberries stood right in the middle of the exit at the local Kroger. Geniuses, I tell you. Never moving or acknowledging that they were blocking people from fuckin' entering and or leaving the goddamn store! WTF? And they stayed there for a good 8 minutes or more! Another of my pet peeves: stupid assholes at the grocery store who think they are the only one around, who leave their cart in the middle of aisles, yet when I move it, they come a runnin'. Whatever. Suck it, dumbass.

[6] This is Grouchy McPuffybush. She's really important. She stood at the bakery and yelled "Hello!?" all huffily until someone came a runnin' to serve her fat ass. 'Cause she couldn't have possibly done without that whopping $4 purchase. Whatever, bitch. It's called self-serve, asshole. That's what the goddamn tongs are for.

Then she whips over to the deli, where I follow, to buy some pepper turkey. She's all bitchysassy with the guy there too. I wanted to tell her "You know what, bitch, just because you're in a hurry to get somewhere, don't expect everyone else to ask "how high" when you say 'jump.' Fuck you and the broom you rode in on." But being the nurturing caregiver that I am, I didn't.

Then came the fun part. She had just ordered a whopping half pound of the shitacular Primo Taglio brand bologna, when another woman came up and waited on me. I told her I wanted a pound of the Plantation pepper turkey (it has freshly ground black pepper all throughout! Mmmm!). She asked If I wanted to get the Primo Taglio brand instead because it was on sale. I said "No, that's alright. I prefer the Plantation." And she said "You don't like Primo Taglio?" And I said "Nah, it's alright for cheese, but that's about it." To which Ms. Wonderful makes a haughty "Hmph!" sound, shoots me a dirty look, collects her $4 in bologney, pivots and leaves. Lol! I embrace my pettiness. I urge you to do the same.

Sith Happens

Oy vey. Why does someone always have to be lurking somewhere, with yet another opinion (except mine, of course) about something that doesn't matter anyway? The new Star Wars franchise movie hasn't even officially come out yet and already politicians from both sides have jumped on the bandwagon to label it anti-Bush administration. My God, what do they want already? Complete creative (ha) control of mass media? WTF? I could give a shit one way or the other about the whole Star Wars-Bush administration analogy. As for the movie itself, I'm just relieved it's finally coming to an end (at least until Lucas milks the merchandising dry). Just another example of something better left alone. Call me sentimental, but I was perfectly content with the original ones from '77, '80 and '83, sans the "new-improved" not-so-special effects. Oy. Anyway, here's the latest from The New York Times.

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Latest 'Star Wars' Movie Is Quickly Politicized

For sheer lack of subtlety, the light-saber-wielding forces of good and evil in George Lucas's "Star Wars" movies can't hold a candle to the blogging, advertising and boycotting forces of the right and left. (Or left and right.)

More a measure of the nation's apparently permanent political warfare than of a filmmaker's intent, the heroes and antiheroes of Mr. Lucas's final entry, "Episode III - Revenge of the Sith," were on their way to becoming the stock characters of partisan debate by mid-Wednesday, hours before the film's opening just after midnight:
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• The liberal advocacy group Moveon.org was preparing to spend $150,000 to run advertisements on CNN over the next few days - and to spread leaflets among audiences in line at multiplexes - comparing Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, the majority leader, to the movie's power-grabbing, evil Chancellor Palpatine, for Dr. Frist's role in the Senate's showdown over the confirmation of federal judges.

• Conservative Web logs were lacerating Mr. Lucas over the film's perceived jabs at President Bush - as when Anakin Skywalker, on his way to becoming the evil Darth Vader, warns, "If you're not with me, you're my enemy," in an echo of Mr. Bush's post-9/11 ultimatum, "Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."

• A little-trafficked conservative Web site about film, Pabaah.com - for "Patriotic Americans Boycotting Anti-American Hollywood" - added Mr. Lucas to its list of boycotted entertainers, along with more than 200 others, including Jane Fonda, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks.

• Even the Drudge Report Web site got into the act: beneath a picture of Darth Vader, it compared the White House press corps to the vengeful Sith, after reporters peppered a press secretary for pressing Newsweek magazine to "repair the damage" in the Muslim world caused by a retracted report about desecration of the Koran.

There is nothing all that new or imaginative, of course, about politicians borrowing from popular movies to score points; witness Ronald Reagan's co-opting of the "evil empire" metaphor for use against the Soviet bloc, or his critics lampooning his missile defense ideas as something straight out of "Star Wars." And Senator John McCain of Arizona, a Republican rebel of sorts, compared his 2000 primary campaign to Luke Skywalker's fighting his way out of the Death Star.

But it is highly unusual for a mainstream Hollywood movie to wind up in the swirl of politics even before it has opened - though that did occur with 20th Century Fox's "Day After Tomorrow," with its apocalyptic vision of global warming's consequences, which advocates including Moveon.org and Al Gore used to protest the Bush administration's environmental policy.

As a rule, Hollywood studios go to great lengths to ensure that their projects - both in the development stage and especially when they are positioned in the marketplace - are free of messages that could be offensive to any great swath of the moviegoing public. Like, say, people who vote for one political party or the other.

All of which calls into question Mr. Lucas's decision to have the premiere of the "Star Wars" finale at the Cannes Film Festival. France is sometimes called the biggest blue state of all, after all. And just what was Mr. Lucas - who could not be reached for comment Wednesday - thinking when he told a Cannes audience that he had not realized in plotting the film years ago that fact might so closely track his fiction?

Alluding to Michael Moore's remarks about "Fahrenheit 9/11" at Cannes a year earlier, Mr. Lucas joked, "Maybe the film will waken people to the situation."

Apparently in all seriousness, though, he went on to say that he had first devised the "Star Wars" story during the Vietnam War. "The parallels between what we did in Vietnam and what we're doing in Iraq now are unbelievable," he told an appreciative audience.

Peter Sealey, a former marketing chief at Columbia Pictures, said the partisan tug of war over the new "Star Wars" episode seemed absurd, likening the political interpretations of it to a Rorschach test. But he said Mr. Lucas was probably savvy in adding sizzle and relevance to a movie that otherwise might have earned publicity only by its effectiveness as entertainment.

"He could've come out and said, 'That's ridiculous - this is the white hats and black hats of the 1950's in space,' and quashed it," said Mr. Sealey, who teaches entertainment marketing at the University of California, Berkeley. "Did he do that? No, and it was probably smart. If he can get 'Star Wars' brought into the debate over unilateralism and the Iraq war, it just brings a current spin to it. And I don't think it's going to rule people out."

Indeed, it is extremely unlikely that all the online screeds and boycotts put together will leave so much as a dent in the movie's box office results. Hollywood insiders have estimated that "Episode III" will have ticket sales of $120 million or more in its first four days.

But Mr. Sealey said other filmmakers and marketers might do well to inspect their pictures for latent political messaging before the public does it for them.

He noted that a Universal Pictures marketing executive had given a lecture to his marketing class about "King Kong," which is coming out later this year. "Is there a political overtone to it?" Mr. Sealey said. "I suspect he's got to think that through today. The political sensitivities are so great that you have to take that calculus into consideration. Is somebody going to read into 'King Kong' that it's pro-Iraq, or it's going to get PETA upset?"

Very Bad Things

WARNING: Today's blog entry is for mature audiences only and may not be work "appropriate."

If you are easily disturbed, have a weak constitution and/or are prone to night terrors, today's blog entry is definitely not for you. You have been warned.

Today's entry is a little more disturbing than I usually get on my blog, but some of these pictures made me laugh so hard I was forced to share them. Besides, I'm assuming most of you who read my blog are no stranger to nudity, but in the rare case that you are, I offer these words of advice: Get over it. Like it or not, the world isn't always a beautiful place and therefore sometimes defies all logic.

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[1] It looks like Eileen Brennan is exposing her Private Benjamins! Okaaaay, it's not really Eileen Brennan, but it sure as hell looks like her. I'm not so sure McDonald's would approve of this product placement.

[2] This one may not be overtly evident...at first, but when it struck me, it cracked me UP! Someone needs to go back to the House of Wax and finish what they started. Geeze.

[3] These things are married...to men. There's hope for us all.

[4] That's not hot. I had a feeling I gave Paris Hilton (and yes, it's really her) kudos too soon. No longer content with "accidental" public nipple slips, she's upped the ante (as well as her panty). I could be wrong, but I'm assuming that's what I think it is. Either that or she's smuggling a yam out in her panties. By George, that's going to be her new nickname: Yam Panties.

[5] I died laughing when I saw this picture. Goddamn! Looks like someone got a little more than he bargained for. Helpful hint: If it has a face like Sarah Jessica Parker after being beat with a sack-o-hammers, has an Adam's apple and Sasquatch-sized hands...it's a man. DOI. Oh well, at least they have something in common, a must for any budding relationship.

[6] Aaaaiiiiggh! Mad TV's Dixie Wetsworth really exists! Either that or the woman from There's Something About Mary is on vacation. Yuck. She looks like that Zuni fetish doll from Trilogy of Terror.

Mysteries...

Loup recently tagged my with this challenge:

“List five things that people in your circle of friends or peer group are wild about, but you can’t really understand the fuss over.
To use the words of Caesar (from History of the World Part I), ‘Nice. Nice. Not thrilling . . . but nice.’”

Here are my answers:

1. Coffee - I gotta agree with Loup on this one. Though, I do like coffee on occasion, for me, it's a seasonal thing. I really only drink it in the Fall & Winter, and even then, rarely.

2. Survivor - I've never seen an episode and have zero interest in it. Same goes for all those other "must-see" reality shows: The Apprentice, American Idol, The Bachelor, etc. I don't get the appeal.

3. Johnny Depp - Yeah yeah yeah. I liked him in A Nightmare on Elm Street and 21 Jump Street, but am beyond tired of hearing how he's some kind of acting genius. So he deliberately chooses "quirky" roles. So he's dated popular actresses. So he never takes a bath. Big deal.

4. Voicemail - I had 'voicemail' for like a year and never, ever used it. I'm perfectly content with my answering machine, thank you very much. If I have to dial that many numbers just to retrieve a simple goddamn message, I'll pass. Besides, that's what caller I.D. is for.

5. Babies - Again, I have to agree with Loup. Absolute mystery. I find the fact that otherwise perfectly logical people's brains turn to tapioca once they have a child, grandchild, etc. Congratulations, someone's vag got some attention. Awesome. Sure, we can't make one behave, but let's have 3 more. Whatever. One word: Supernanny.

I pass this challenge onto Gatochy. = )

Currently Reading...

Speaking With the Angel Edited by Nick Hornby. © 2000

This book of left-of-center short stories by contemporary authors is a great read. My personal favorites (so far) are Department of Nothing by Colin Firth and Nipple Jesus by Nick Hornby, whom you may be familiar with via his books that have been made into movies: About A Boy, Fever Pitch and High Fidelity.

And Colin Firth, you may be familiar with from his role in the Bridget Jones films.

An entertaining read, perfect for those long lines at the post office, during lunch or before going to bed.

The Joys of Aging and How to Avoid Them by Phyllis Diller.© 1981

I love Phyllis Diller. Always have. She's the queen of self-deprecation and can always make me laugh when I am down in the dumps. If you're not a fan of her style of humor, then you may find some of her work dated, but I say good satire is timeless. I own some of her other books as well: Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints and Phyllis Diller's Marriage Manual, both of which I enjoyed reading as well.

The book has illustrations throughout. Here's one of my favorites:

Monsters, Muscles & Milkshakes

[1] Count Yorga, Vampire movie pressbook. © 1970. How cool is this? It's filled with all kinds of B&W images like they would use in the newspaper for the movies/drive-in ads! I love it!

[2] Starstruck: The Wonderful World of Movie Memorabilia by Robert Heide and John Gilman. © 1986. Filled with tons of great images of movie premiums. Still had it's original dustjacket! I love when that happens.

[3] Diary of a Witch by Sybil Leek. © 1968. Found this one at the thrift store for a whopping 50¢. It too still had its' original dustjacket! Seems like an interesting read. As one reviewer put it "It dispels (no pun intended!) any preconceived notions, most of which are negative, you may have about witchcraft. Sybil certainly lead a very interesting life or she's a great story teller. Which ever way you look at it, if you are open minded I am sure you'll enjoy this book."

[4] Easy Way To Draw by Walter Lantz. © 1958. I started to begin this description as "I love my Woody," but then decided against it because that would be inappropriate and I know that you've come to expect much, much more from me than a bad pun (as he gets struck by lightening). So, instead I'd like to say I am a big fan of Woody Woodpecker and his friends Chilly Willy, Andy Panda, etc.' Also, Deborah Foreman wore a Woody Woodpecker pin in the opening scene of one of my favorite 80's movies, Valley Girl!!

I found this great (lightly used) book in the "Vintage" section of the local Half Price Books, and just HAD to get it. It always surprises me when cool books like this are so inexpensive ($5!). It's hard cover and has SUCH great illustrations inside. I love it.

[5] Can't Stop The Music: Movie Soundtrack LP © 1980. I feel compelled to defend this purchase, but I won't. You already know my love of all things kitsch and cheesy knows no bounds. Besides, it was in the clearance rack for just 50¢!!

I also LOVED that it still had the original coupon inside to buy a Can't Stop the Music 'Shake-It-Shirt!!!!*' LMAO! Judging from the picture, apparently Red Bull isn't the only thing that can give you wiiiings! A nice, hot curling iron will get the job done nicely, too. *If you've seen the movie then you know there is a musical sequence to a song called 'Milkshake.'

I remember having the ViewMaster reels for this movie. Naturally, growing up gay, all I remember about the movie were the musclemen in the Y.M.C.A. musical number and another not-so-key scene at an audition. I bought the DVD when it came out a few years ago and it is SOOOO bad, but it's still a lot of fun to watch, simply because it IS so bad.

Weird Words

Every once in a while I'm come across some weird text that either makes me laugh or puzzles me. Here are one of each:

This was on a survey I had to fill out online, in order to get a free sample of Tide Coldwater. Naturally, like any SANE person, I chose #3 (though #2 is somewhat plausible, too), but #1 made me laugh. WTF? What kind of cuckoobird walks up to complete strangers and regales them with tales of how they got the skidmarks out of their underwear? Reminds me of those commercials from the 70's where a man with a microphone came upon unsuspecting women at the grocery store or Laundromat and offers to buy an article of clothing from them! Lol!

This one I ran across by accident while trying to find out how many flavors of Hamburger Helper there are (35, BTW). Anyway, various people had posted on the forum about their favorite flavor and/or specific HH-related memories. Well, this one stuck out and kinda pissed me off (hard to believe, isn't it?), while puzzling me at the same time.

First off, my first impression was that since her husband grew up on it, that he liked it. So this led me to ask why would something your husband/wife/etc. grew up with be "banned" from your house? Why try to disguise something that already tastes good as-is?

Then I started thinking "Oh, maybe he didn't like it, and even if he didn't, why would you stop eating something you like just because your spouse doesn't like it?" My mom does this special meal bullshit with my father and I think it's ridiculous. He "has" to have a home-cooked meal (canned and/or frozen is "yucky," forget the fact that it's time-saving) 3X a day and doesn't "like" leftovers (well, la dee-frickin'-da!). Yet, he can always find something that could have been done to make the meal "better." You know what I'd say to that? Either A) "Kiss my ass, Dorothy, this ain't Oz. Take it or leave it." or B) "Congratulations, it looks like you'll be eating a lot of sandwiches, jackass." Aiiggghh! Why do women from that time period (in particular) allow themselves to be such fuckin' doormats? I'll never understand it. Sad that she'll have to wait for him to drop dead before her life can "begin," but then she's the one putting up with it. Whatever.

Okay, venting is over. Go about your daily routine.

Self Portrait Assignment

A little over a week ago I asked my readers to submit via e-mail their abstract self-portraits. The response was overwhelming. I now know that I have at least one reader. Thanks Mariana!

The first image is Gatochy's self-portrait and the second image is mine. Enjoy

According to the 'What Gay Childhood Icon Are You?' Quiz...

You Are the Very Gay SpongeBob!

Because the religious right says so... And because his best friend looks a bit too much like a penis.

What Gay Childhood Icon Are You?

Pretty in Pink

I just read this news story over at the Netscape News Forum, and personally thought it was ridiculous. Whatever happened to kids having FUN at school? I'm so tired of everything having to be turned into some kind of drama or attack on mores.

I happen to agree with one reader who commented: "If he was not humiliated then why was anyone else bothered?" Good grief. Here's the article:

Prom Dress Gets Him Suspended

A Wisconsin high school student who wore a dress to prom was suspended, fined and barred from athletics. Plus his date was a guy. Fair punishment or too harsh?

It seemed like a funny way to show up at the prom: a girlfriend's spaghetti-strap dress and a blond wig, open-toed platform sandals, earrings and necklace from Goodwill. And his mom lent him her purse.

"I looked like Marilyn Monroe," Kerry Lofy told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel.

The 18-year-old high senior at Lake Geneva Badger High School was suspended for three days, fined $249 for disorderly conduct and banned from his last track and field meet.

When word of his plans for the prom got out last week, the associate principal told him three times not to wear the dress, he told the newspaper. Last year he showed up in a dress made of duck tape -- a tuxedo seen in many other high school proms.

The six-foot, 185-pound senior was turned away. He returned to his car to put a suit over his dress and went into the prom. Then he took his suit off. School security took him outside and a police report was filed.

His "date" for the prom was Victor Anderson, who is gay and did not have anyone to go with, the Journal-Sentinel said. According to Mr. Lofy, the school did not object to the date but to his dress.

School officials have been refusing reporters' calls seeking comments. Mr. Lofy said his friends plan to protest the school's decision.

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Do you think it was fair punishment or was it too harsh?

Mental Goulash 6

[1] Last Friday I mentioned that Johnny Knoxville would be hosting Saturday Night Live. Naturally, I tuned in to watch it, and as much as it pains me to say it...wow, was it ever baaaaad (sorry, LOUP). I don't blame Johnny, though. You're only as good as your material and the sketches were AWFUL. I think maybe 2 out of the 8 or 9 sketches actually made me laugh. Poor Johnny. Oh well, he still looked great, as always.

OMG, and speaking of poor things, my poor ears. The 'musical' guest (and I use the term "musical" loosely) was System of a Down. Wow. More like System of a Down Syndrome. Hands down, the absolute WORST musical guest performance ever. I'm open to all kinds of music, but this shit was bad. Maybe they sound better on their albums, once all the 'magic' has been put into place, but live, they sucked HARD. I even went so far as to listen to the second "performance," yet nothing changed. Still awful. To give you an idea of their awesome music, here is a sampling of some of the lyrics from one of the "songs" they performed called 'Aerials':

Aerials, in the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life
Aerials, so up high
When you free your eyes eternal prize

Now screech about 19 "Ohhh oh oh's" and you've got yourself something worthy of Scoop Away. The really scary part is a couple of blogs that I have since come across that thought they were "awesome!" Goddamn. If that's awesome, someone cash in by placing a microphone next to the toilet next time you're experiencing IBS.

[2] Recently, I posted the latest list of keywords that people had typed into search engines that, in turn, brought them to my blog. One of those searches in particular cracked me and another reader up: "cameltoe on bicycle seats" In my response to her comment, I mentioned a photo that I had of Mary Tyler Moore, where she was sportin' some serious 'toe, and should I relocate it, I would post it. Well, as you can see, I found it. Just say 'No' to Jazzercise.

[3] Here in Texas, we have some AWFUL local business commercials (usually relegated to bloated GM trucks and sue-happy lawyers). Well, there are currently some running that include this guy (located directly beneath MTM in the collage) whose name, not unlike whatever it is he's actually advertising, escapes me, but the visual of his hair lingers on...and on... Wow. And I thought Texas women's hair defied the laws of gravity. I bet his hair is crispy-crunchy. Bless his heart.

[4] While channel-surfing, I landed on the local Spanish/Mexican channel: GalaVision. At first I thought Dinah Shore had risen from the grave and raided Siegfried & Roy's wardrobe. Upon closer inspection I realized it was a MAN. Eek! Since I opted to take French as my foreign language in both high school and college, I know very little "Spanish." However, I got the gist of it and apparently he (shim) was doing daily horoscopes. Lots of flamboyant hand gestures (at one point, the rarely seen-outside of a-Woodstock revival "double peace sign."), lots of dazzle. It's complexion rivaled the bottom of an albino's feet, while the eyes were eerily black. I'm frightened. Hold me.

[5] I recently bought I [Heart] Huckabees on DVD, and just have to say "Mark" Wahlberg is still friggin' HOT. I'd hold HIM. ROWR!

[6] And last, but not least, I dunno if there is a Burlington Coat Factory wherever you live, but they have been running this commercial here for some time now. The premise is this: The woman walks up to the man (both of whom have Italian accents) and says something to the affect that she's not dating a sailor and that she hates that he wears so much blue, then rips off his sleeve. (ROWR! Molto caldo!*) He, in turn voices his disgust for the color black and does the same to her. Then the commercial goes on to show them both in a virtual rainbow of summer clothing available at the local Burlington Coat Factory.

He's so pretty. I love that his name is 'Marcello.' He needs my kisses. I'd rip off more than his shirt sleeve. Mama mia, thatsa spicy meatballa!

*Very hot

The People in Your Neighborhood: Vol. II

[1] This is the woman that waited on me when I went to the cable company to upgrade my cable box. Her personality was just as dazzling as her helmet hairdo. Plus, she couldn't hear my questions because she couldn't manage to stop sucking on her empty cup from Sonic. Helpful Hint: When no more liquid is coming up through the straw, the cup feels lighter and you can't hear because your sucking the lining out of the styrofoam cup...it's time to put it down. It's EMPTY, goddammit!

[2] Saw this guy at the library. He reminded me of Snyder from One Day at a Time.

[3] The hot postman. We have 3. This is the one that has the nice legs. Ow!

[4 & 5] I call this woman "Nightmare in Pink" Yeesh. Her hair is full of secrets, that's why it's so big. She epitomizes the stereotypical Texas woman. Notice the craftastic purse with the slots to put in pictures of the grandkids. It's always nice to have potential criminals have firsthand knowledge of your family. Ack!

[6] I thought, for a while, that this old man's back had gone out. He stayed in this position reading soup can labels for about 6 minutes. My evil twin wanted to do one of three things: 1) Goose him, 2) Stick him with a hat pin or 3) Push him into the canned goods head-first, Once Bitten-style.

[7] The woman who runs the register at the BBQ place that I frequent. It took 5 years, but she eventually warmed up to me. Now she grunts "Hi."

She LOVES football, and I love to be around during the play offs when all the busboys aggravate her by telling her she doesn't know anything about football. LMAO! She gets FURIOUS and just blows up every single time. It's hilarious to listen to. Everyone who works there loves to aggravate her because she always falls for it.

My all-time favorite memory, pertaining to her getting angry, was back in the Winter a few years ago. It had just snowed and everything was really icy. While she was waiting for her ride to pick her up, one of the busboys told her that maybe they weren't coming...that he thought her ride said she was supposed to meet them up the street... Well, she went bananas and starts craning her neck, looking out the windows, saying that they better not have. Not in this weather! And on and on and on. She got so hyper so quickly that I had to hold up my newspaper and quietly snicker behind it. Man, she has a SHORT fuse and everyone loves to light it!

[8] I found Waldo at a nearby Dairy Queen. He seems to have misplaced his little cap, though.

[9] Cutie-face browsing CDs at the local Best Buy.

[10] Some guy I thought was cute at the local Half Price Books. It seems like everywhere I went, I kept running into him. I'd turn a corner, there he was. I'd go down an aisle, there he was again. You may not be able to tell it from the picture, but he was a cutie.

[11] Good Lord. I got stuck behind this sack of molasses in paisley, while trying to maneuver my way around the Target parking lot (and ended up parking next to her, natch). I think her top speed was 2 mph. And if I thought she was a slow driver, you should have seen her in action. Yikes. Why do these kind of people still have driver's licenses?

[12] This is one of the Fitting Room attendants at the local Dillard's outlet. She had all the personality of a wet cat. Her disposition/appearance reminded me of a disgruntled orangutan. She did NOT like the fact that she was basically told to butt out (re: # 14 & 15). By the way, Larry from The Three Stooges called, he wants his hairdo back.

[13] This cowpoke was wandering around outside the gun show in Fort Worth. You people out there that have never been to Texas have just been waiting to see if the stereotypes are true...they are.

[14 & 15] This is a close-up of the last photo. Poor cutie-face boy was stuck in the middle of it all.

The story takes place outside the Fitting Room at the Dillard's outlet. The fitting room attendant and her partner in crime (notice the old woman in the black v-neck blouse, reflected in the 3-way mirror) were obsessed with helping this woman...whether she wanted it or not. Needless to say an argument ensued. Personally, I think it all could have been avoided had the Fitting Room attendants waited to be asked for their input, instead of this tag team's overzealousness (the women were both diligently talking over the customer!). I was glad the woman finally told them, in no uncertain terms, that they (her and her kids) didn't need any help shopping. I can SO relate to that. It's my number one pet peeve. I don't know about you, but when I go shopping, I'm not looking for a buddy, advice, etc. If I need help, I'll ask for it. And if you become my fuckin' shadow, I'll just end up buying it somewhere else, which is exactly what happened in this scenario.

Fort Worth, Texas

[1] St. Patrick Cathedral in downtown Fort Worth. Built in 1888.

[2] One of the ornate doorknobs on the church.

[3] One of the gutters on the east side of the church. Notice the ornate ivy metalwork covering the windows.

[4] One of the many beautiful statues and stained glass windows inside the foyer of the church. SO many beautiful stained glass windows.

[5] One of the ornate hinges on the door of the front entrance.

[6] A wheelchair-accessible entrance on the east side of the church.

[7] A picture of the Fort Worth skyline, taken from behind the church. Lots of beautiful trees.

[8] The domed area of the Fort Worth Convention Center in downtown Fort Worth, just down the street from the St. Patrick Cathedral. It was a really beautiful day. Perfect weather.

Cookies, Body Parts and Groovy Boots

Pictures from my recent visit (last weekend) to the Cattle Barn (read 'flea market') in Fort Worth. Enjoy!

[1] I've been wanting this cookie jar for a long time. It seems like someone I knew, growing up, had one, but I can't remember who. Anyway, I never find the jar in good condition (i.e. missing lid, the walnut on the top is broken off, etc.). Well, this one is in great condition and was just $6!! I had to get it.

[2] Some great vintage coloring books. I miss the detail that manufacturers used to put into their coloring books.

[3] A new booth I hadn't seen in the past. Lots of kitschy, collectible, affordably-priced movie memorabilia. The guy whose booth it was, was really friendly. His name was James and I enjoyed talking to someone that actually knew something about old B movies, drive-in titles, etc. I even bought something from him. More about my purchases at a later date, though.

[4] I was afraid to see what else was in the box. ;)

[5] Some groovy old metal (remember when toys were made from METAL?) toys. Lots of great stuff in this booth. Not-so-great-prices.

[6] The top of this box said "What Every Man Wants!" My first thought was "Divorce comes in a box now?" Instead, it was a New Shaving Kit. Fun packaging!

[7] Sale table! Everything was $1. Yes, even the photos! Lots of photos of kitties!

[8] It's Chatty Baby! When you're just not ready for the commitment of a real baby. More of today's "parents" should opt for this baby instead of the ones they have now. Ugh. Barbie & Ken never looked so mod!

[9] I took this picture because Whoopi Goldberg has something similar (the Cupie Doll) in her apt. in one of my favorite movies Jumpin' Jack Flash!

[10] Assorted noise makers and other goodies. Love the vintage Halloween witch noise maker!

[11] Groovy boots! Creepy mannequin head.

[12] When I saw this I cracked up. I dunno exactly what it is, peeping out of that metal tub, but it makes me laugh.

House of Wax

Friday, I went to see the matinee ($6 is a matinee price? Apparently United Artists thinks so) of House of Wax at the nearby UA Eastchase Market, since my usual theater (Cinemark...where the matinee is $3. HELLO!) wasn't showing it. I invited my friend Derik to go with me, since he was just as anxious to see it as I was.

So, we get there, eventually, after being stuck behind, of all things, a funeral procession (seriously). Derik voices my sentiments exactly: "Six dollars? I thought it was $3." And I was like "It is $3...at Cinemark. This is the most expensive theater we have." We then decide to peruse the exorbitantly-priced concession stand. Derik opted for the $5 small popcorn, while I'm ashamed to admit, I paid $4 for a friggin' medium Mr. Pibb. At these prices, this better be the best goddamn Pibb I've ever sucked out of a straw!

We walk into a completely empty theater. Hurray! Naturally, it didn't stay empty for too long and we ended up seeing the movie with 3 couples and 2 singles. One older couple (maybe in their 50's/60's) asked us if this was the theater for House of Wax, apparently puzzled by the fact that, at the time, there was no on else in the theater. Odd, especially for a premiere. I said "yes" and commented on the fact that I too thought there would be a lot more people here. Then we all settled down for (and I am seriously not making this up), 2 hours of commercials. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit. But it seemed like 2 hours. Actually it was at least 30-40 minutes of commercials (20+ minutes OVER the initial movie time posted in the newspaper and on the Internet). This is exactly one of the many reasons I do NOT frequent this theater. On a related topic, allow me to digress for just a minute. This all reminds me of a section of Kevin Murphy's book A Year at the Movies:

[ Click For A Larger Printable Version ]I will definitely be sending it off this week, for all the good it will do.

Anyway, back to the movie. Once all the commercials were over then the movie trailers kicked in...half projected on the top of the screen, the other half projected...ON THE CEILING. This went on for 2 trailers. I swear they have fuckin' monkeys running the projectors. Sigh. After someone went to tell the projectionist, we sat through 5 more trailers at which point the man who was part of the aforementioned older couple said out loud "Goddamn! Are they going to show a movie?" LMAO! Derik and I cracked up. We could SO empathize. On the plus side we did get to see the trailer for the new Dukes of Hazzard movie! WOOT! It looks like a lot of fun. Johnny Knoxville needs my kisses.

I recently read an overtly hostile review about the movie, which I didn't agree with for the most part. Then I looked to see whether a man or woman wrote the review. It was as I suspected, it was a woman. She obviously had some kind of "issues" with all the women in the film as well as horror movies in general, so I was forced to discount her as a reliable resource. So, for a reliable source, here's my review in a nutshell: Fun, fun, fun! I love that the movie plays like an homage to 70's horror movies, in it's look and approach. You know, the good "old-school" build-up to the horror. There are no murders or bloodshed for at least 20-30 minutes into the movie. None of that Scream-style opening murder sequence stuff that seems to be so popular these days. The movie actually takes the time to establish some character development, which is always a nice change of pace. I found myself being reminded of Just Before Dawn, with bits of Friday the 13th and Motel Hell thrown in for good measure. I really liked all the characters, with a few exceptions. Ironically, the two pieces of eyecandy(Robert Ri'chard & Chad Michael Murray) that I was most looking forward to when initially commenting about the movie, actually ended up being my least favorite characters. But, then I guess all slasher movies have to stick to some kind of formula. I actually really liked Paris Hilton ('Paige'), Jared Padalecki ('Wade'...YUM!) and Jon Abrahams's ('Dalton') characters best of all.

Of course, keeping with the general rules of slasher movies, not everyone makes it out alive. If you're remotely familiar with the genre, you pretty much know who they are. Overall, it was worth the price of admission. I wasn't disappointed. The movie had a great look, the characters were nicely established before done away with, the murders/gore hit a nice balance. Not Japanese/Italian-gory, but enough to make you squirm. Lots of suspense. Some wicked surprises. Interesting backstory came full circle nicely. In short, I'd recommend it! Go see it, you'll have a lot of fun!

And yes, all the buzz is true, Paris actually is surprisingly good. In an interview I read, the director commended her for coming to the set with complete professionalism, without airs/attitudes and was never late once. AND no cell phone drama. Good for her.

And last, but certainly not least, to top off the experience, when the movie was over, Derik and I opted to sit through the entire film's credits, on the off chance that there was some extra goodness (like at the end of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert or Wrong Turn), when the cleanup staff came in to start picking up leftover trash, etc. We had one employee literally stand at the end of our aisle and stare us down, expecting us to get up and leave. This really pissed me off. I looked over at him as if to say "Can I help you with something?" and he finally got the fuckin' message and walked away. Motherfucker. That really pissed me off. We were both tempted to throw the remainder of our concessions to the four winds...but we didn't. Needless to say, I won't be going back there any time soon. So, all in all the movie gets 2 thumbs up, while the theater itself gets 2 middle fingers.

Johnny Knoxville Hosts SNL

My favorite piece of mancandy, Johnny Knoxville will be hosting Saturday Night Live this Saturday, May 7th, so if you're so inclined (and I am!) tune in!

Now I'm off to see House of Wax!

This Blog Will Self-Destruct in 13 Days

I recently had an idea for a blog entry, but I need your help. The assignment should you choose to accept it, is this: Take an abstract self-portrait of yourself and submit it to me either via e-mail attachment or URL. I will then make a collage of them and post them on my blog, giving credit where credit is due. If you would like it cropped in a particular way, make sure you do that before submitting it, but be sure and let me know that you've already done so.Naturally, the photo will be re-sized to fit the proportions of my typical blog collages.

Keep in mind that an abstract self-portrait isn't necessarily a picture of yourself. It can be a picture of anything that conveys the way you feel, behave, a state of mind, etc. The deadline is Friday, May 13th. Send your photo to: KirkkitschBlog@aol.com, and put "Self-portrait" as the subject.

Naturally, I'll be submitting a new one for the collage, but in the meantime, here's my self portrait, to give you an idea of what I'm looking for. I call it Fiscal Faux Pas. It describes me: Po'.

Dumplings, Discounts & Downtown

[1] The Chinese restaurant where I recently had lunch with my parents. Excellent buffet. $6. No mystery meat. I hate those cheapo-type Chinese buffets that sacrifice quality for quantity! Blech!
[2] The CD Warehouse near my house. They always have lots of cool stuff to look at and are the closest thing to that "old 80's record store"-feel.
[3] The emergency exit at a local thrift store.
[4] The entrance to the aforementioned thrift store. The building used to be a gym. So 80's. Gee, can you tell? Too funny.
[5] A really cool grid that covers an entrance to a building in downtown Fort Worth.
[6] A manhole cover in downtown Fort Worth.
[7] The local Masonic Lodge. The Indian Paintbrush (AKA Castilleja linariaefolia) are in full bloom! Beautiful! Oz?
[8] The street I take on the way to the freeway. So lush.
[8] Toys! I don't know about you, but I still love browsing the toy and the school supplies sections at the grocery store.
[10] Yet another manhole cover. Great design. (Freud & Jung would have a field day with this one)

Spooky Stuff on TV

It's just been brought to my attention that tonight's episode of The Antiques Roadshow (which I think maybe I've seen 1 episode of in my entire life) will be highlighting antique and vintage Halloween decorations! I'm super-psyched! I love vintage Halloween decorations! The show synopsis also promises a copy of Edgar Allan Poe's first book! How cool is that?!

The show comes on PBS at 7PM (CST) and runs for 30 minutes, so set your TiVo, VCR or whatever, but don't miss it!

Upcoming DVD Releases Vol. 2

Here is a list of current and upcoming DVDs that I am looking forward to. P= Purchase R= Rental

• Black Ball
Release Date: February 15/P

• Ellen: Season 2
Release Date: February 22/P

• Mary Tyler Moore: Season 2 (Original cover. Release date has changed)
Release Date: March 22/P

• Lady in a Cage
Release Date: March 29/P

• Ring of Darkness
Release Date: March 29/R

• The Bob Newhart Show: Season 1
Release Date: April 12/P

• That 70's Show: Season 2
Release Date: April 19/P

• Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Release Date: April 26/R

• Blade III: Trinity
Release Date: April 26/P

• The Life Aquatic
Release Date: May 10/R

• Dastardly & Muttley: The Complete Series
Release Date: May 10/P

• The Perils of Penelope Pitstop: The Complete Series
Release Date: May 10/P

• The Life & Death of Peter Sellers
Release Date: May 10/R

• The James Dean boxset:
- East of Eden (American DVD debut!)
-Rebel Without a Cause
-Giant
Release Date: May 31/P

• Tarnation
Release Date: May 17/R

• Year of the Dragon
Release Date: May 31/P

• Tying the Knot
Release Date: May 31/R

• Be Cool
Release Date: June 7/P

• The Machinist
Release Date: June 7/R

• Beyond the Sea
Release Date: June 7/R

• A Dirty Shame (NC-17 version)
Release Date: June 14/P

• American Psycho (Uncut version)
Release Date: June 21/R

• Cursed (Unrated version)
Release Date: June 21/P

• The Daily Show: Indecision 2004
Release Date: June 28/P

• He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
Release Date: July 12/P

• Love at First Bite
Release Date: July 12/P

• Hercules/The Adventures of Hercules
Release Date: July 12/P

• Sinbad of the Seven Seas
Release Date: July 12/P

• Teen Witch
Release Date: July 12/P

• The Mary Tyler Moore Show: Season 2 (New cover. New release date)
Release Date: July 26/P

In addition, the 1987 movie The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (poor Mackenzie Astin), is finally making it's DVD debut, which is cool and fun and retro...but...when-the-hell are movies like 1934's Lugosi/Karloff picture, The Black Cat or the original Cat People going to make it to DVD?! I mean, c'mon people!

However, I am super-excited that some movies I have been waiting to be released on DVD for a lonnnnnnnng time, are finally making it to DVD!! The likes of which include: Love at First Bite: Too bad the original song I Love the Nightlife probably won't be played during the disco-dancing scene. It was my favorite part! When it was released to VHS they replaced it with some shitball song nobody's ever heard before! Teen Witch: Which, thanks to MGM, is sporting more of their 'original' shitball coverart, obviously cashing in on the Bewitched movie coming out this summer (Season 1 of the TV show is coming soon BTW). And last, but certainly not least, the Hercules movies starring Lou Ferrigno: YUM! He is fuckin' HOT in those movies. Dayum!

Recent DVD Purchases

I don't remember if I've mentioned this little foot note in the past or not (Keep in mind that I'm not getting any younger), so if I have, just disregard the next paragraph.

I own a lot of movies on both VHS and DVD. By no means would I say that they are all GOOD movies, though there are a lot. I purchase a movie for many reasons and one of those reasons is visuals. Of course, I own a lot of my movies because I genuinely enjoy them and/or they conjur fond memories. However, there are scenes in all my DVD/VHS movies that I'd love to capture and print. I long to create a giant photo album of stills of my favorite scenes from movies. Most wouldn't be anything that you'd see in a promo of the movie and/or press book, but I love them just the same. And then there are some movies I own simply because I find a particular actor beautiful. For example, one of my latest DVD purchases was Kiss Me Monster. It's by no means a good movie. It's one of those badly-dubbed Italian sexploitation movies of the 60's. However, it has some deliciously-bad imagery and that's why I bought it. So, if any of you ever check out my DVD collection and think to yourself "Why-in-the-hell would he own _________? It's just awful!." Trust me, I know. But not everyone sees things the way I do either, so don't assume that any taste I may have is strictly confined to my mouth.

• I <3 Huckabees [2004]
• Whistle Stop/Detour: Film Noir double feature [1946/1945]
• The Philadelphia Story [1940]
• 13 Going On 30 [2004]
• Alfie [2004]
• La Dolce Vita [1960]
• Echo Park [1986]
• Dominick and Eugene [1988]
• Secondhand Lions [2003]
• Kiss Me Monster [1969]
• Footloose [1984]
• Hardcase and Fist [1989]
• Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle [ 2004]
• Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow [2004]
• Saved! [2004]
• Buying the Cow [2002]
• Starship Troopers [1997]
• Toolbox Murders [2003]
• The Legacy [1978]
• Second Sight: Series 1 &2 [1999-2000]
• Monster Man [2003]
• Stingray: The Complete Set (Not pictured) [2003]