Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Jesus, It's What's for Dinner!

Here are some divine articles I thought you, my readers, may find of interest. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

[1] On a recent trip to the nearby True Value Hardware, I noticed that they had begun carrying all kinds of fresh assorted candies & nuts near the check out counter (AKA "POP: Point of Purchase). I bought some Gummy Worms and some Green Apple Licorice (think Twizzlers, but instead of cherry/strawberry, green apple!). Man, were they good!

Finding myself bored and feelin' snacky, I decided to read the package's nutrition label and made a somewhat surprising (this is Texas, after all) discovery: Jesus built my hotrod candy treats! Aaaiiigggh! My throat is burning! What a world...what a world! Kack! Okay, I'm being dramatic. I'm not really melting.

Nonetheless, I did find the packaging disturbing. If you look closely, each bag has the phrase "Take time for family and prayer - Always give praise." Then there's the row of golden (natch) crosses running across the bottom of the label. Mmmm sacrilicious. I wonder what they'd think if they knew a heathen like me was partaking of their consecrated confections? Oh well, they got their money, and if we've learned anything from Christianity, it's that Jesus loves tithing.

[2] (AP) A honey-mustard pretzel that the seller, the Naylors of St. Paul, Nebraska, believe is in the shape of the Virgin Mary holding the baby Jesus, shown in March 2005, sold on eBay for $10,600. Machelle Naylor's 12-year-old daughter, Crysta, said she discovered the pretzel while snacking and watching television.

[3] Christians: The other white meat. (AP) A frame grab from a video shows a lion attacking a man who jumped into the animal's enclosure and shouted "Jesus will save you!" at the Taipei Zoo in Taiwan. The man suffered from bite marks on his arms and legs. "He imagined he heard voices," psychiatrist Teng-Hui-wen told reporters.

[4] And last, but certainly not least, this is a screen capture of a commercial I recently saw late, late one night on television. And it really, really works, too! Why, a woman got a settlement of 1.6 million dollars after receiving and drinking her FREE Miracle Spring Water* (or so the commercial went on to say)!

Wow. And people wonder why I'm cynical about the whole religion thing? I'm ordering some for all my friends. Jokes this good don't come along every day. Order yours today!

*Miracle Spring Water may cause diarrhea and loose stools.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every time I go to Hobby Lobby I see Scripture Mints at the Impulse both peppermint and spearmint. Shouldn't there only be one truly divine mint? I mean, really.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 8:26:00 AM  
Blogger Kirkkitsch said...

Hmmm, Stacy, I dunno. That sounds like mint propaganda. They both sound sinister to me: PEPPERmint? Pepper is hot and spicy like Satan, while SPEARmint indicates something sharp, like the tines of Satan's pitchfork. I'd go for the Wintergreen, just be on the safe side. Winter- the time of year Christmas takes place and Green, like the evergreen boughs of the traditional Christmas tree.;)

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 9:42:00 AM  
Blogger I Am The Walrus said...

"Have I told you lately that I love you?" You are hereby elevated to the status of "Forever Friend" because I don't know what I would do without you and your brain. You may elevate me to the status of "Fawning Friend" and I will understand...

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 10:11:00 AM  
Blogger Kirkkitsch said...

You know just what to say to keep me motivated to write, don't you? I love fawning friends! Thanks for the huge compliment, I appreciate it. I'm glad you liked my post. :D

Tuesday, May 31, 2005 1:04:00 PM  

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