Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Clipping Palooza Vol. 1

Over the next few days I'll be sharing with you various articles I cut from the local newspaper (The Dallas Morning News). I know I probably sound like someone's mother, but I wanted you to see them. I considered posting them all at one time, and just letting you have at 'em, but then I realized I wanted to add my 2¢ to each one, and if I did that it would take you forever to read and you might get more bored than you already are.

So! I've decided to scatter them out over the next three days, so as to give the bitching and complaining my undivided attention. Enjoy!

Initially this one made me roll my eyes and say "Oh good God. All this drama over some cartilage? Get a life!" Then I thought, you know what? Men do this shit all the time when it comes to women and their sweatermonkeys, it's just that we rarely hear about the women and their lust for mancandy. THEN I got really pissed off that some ungrateful bitch has a "kind and gentle" husband, who was apparently good enough to fuck and marry, but now that she's seen the 'promise gland' (AKA The Schlongmeister) she's ready to toss her husband and that "sacred bond" that the Republicans love to pull outta their ass when it comes to gay marriage, right out the fuckin' window! She sounds delightful. What a cunt. That goes for men too. Anyone who's such a big puss as to not be able to just come out and tell their husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend that they aren't satisfied with the marriage/relationship any longer, deserves to be alone or riddled with STDs. If cumming is your primary objective, then DON'T GET MARRIED or go into a relationship pretending to be monogamous. That's bullshit and you're gonna end up paying for it one way or another.

Also, on a side note, I get a certain little thrill when Abby gives the writer a response that I'd have given them had I been her. It happened this time and I relished it! (re: The last sentence in Abby's response)

P.s. Sorry, but Dear Abby will always be like the picture I have accompanying this article. NOT her daughter. That's just how I feel about it. It's like when Jay Leno took over for Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. I never watched the show again. It's just not the same. Leno is no Carson. Accept no substitutions.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Sophie'sKirk's Choice

So last night on the local news they did a story about how some people at Harvard University have created an online test that claims to assess your conscious and unconscious preferences on racism. Though racism was the focus of the news story, the site actually offers over 90 different topics ranging from pets to political issues, ethnic groups to sports teams, and entertainers to styles of music.

Though I went to take the test on racism, I didn't know how to find it. I wasn't able to find out how to take a specific test, so I took some tests on the random topics it gave me. My results are above and here are my reactions to those results:

Apple vs Microsoft- Doi
Meat vs Vegetables- "
Johny Kerry vs George Bush- Whaaaaat? (*said with donkey teeth a la Drawn Together)
Young People vs Old People- My hatred is equally divided among both.
Democrats vs Republicans- Duh
Single vs Married- "Slight?"
Books vs Television- I can live with that.
Pepsi vs Coke- "
Evolution vs Creation- A little more than "slight."

The series of tests are part of a project called Project Implicit. Click here to try it. And although I found taking the various tests addictive, for the most part I wasn't all that surprised by the majority of the outcomes.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Prolific Actor Darren McGavin Dies at 83

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Darren McGavin was painting a movie set in 1945 when he learned of an opening for a small role in the show, climbed off his ladder, and returned through Columbia's front gates to land the part. The husky, tough-talking performer went on to become one of the busiest actors in television and film, starring in five TV series, including "Mike Hammer," and endearing holiday audiences with his role as the grouchy dad in the 1983 comedy classic "A Christmas Story."

McGavin, 83, died Saturday of natural causes at a Los Angeles-area hospital with his family at his side, said his son Bogart McGavin.

McGavin also had leading roles in TV's "Riverboat" and cult favorite "Kolchak: The Night Stalker." Among his memorable portrayals was Gen. George Patton in the 1979 TV biography "Ike."

*To read the story in its entirety, click here.

This one makes me very sad. I may not have been around when they originally aired, but I first remember seeing McGavin in episodes of shows like Tales of Tomorrow, Suspense and Alfred Hitchcock Presents. And of course, one of his best-known roles in the classic movie The Man With the Golden Arm. Then in the 70's, came TV favorites like the made for TV movie Something Evil, Happy Mother's Day, Love George (Gavin's directorial debut) and a personal favorite: Kolchak: The Night Stalker. Then came the 80's with Hangar 18, episodes of The Love Boat, an episode of the TV show Monsters (I miss that show) and last but certainly not least, a perennial favorite (and a Christmas tradition for many households), A Christmas Story. That was by no means the end of his career, however. He went on to do a lot of movie and TV work throughout the 90's and was even gracious enough to have an uncredited (WTF?!) cameo in the shitball remake of his original TV series The Night Stalker.

It always saddens me when someone I grew up with (in a pop culture sense) passes away. It reminds you that you're getting older and sometimes the only things that truly last are the memories you have. Watching A Christmas Story this year is going to be a little bittersweet knowing that Darren McGavin is no longer with us. R.I.P., Darren.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Actor Don Knotts Dies at 81

Associated Press — Don Knotts, the skinny, lovable nerd who kept generations of television audiences laughing as bumbling Deputy Barney Fife on "The Andy Griffith Show," has died. He was 81. Knotts died Friday night of pulmonary and respiratory complications at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills, said Paul Ward, a spokesman for the cable network TV Land, which airs "The Andy Griffith Show," and another Knotts hit, "Three's Company."

The West Virginia-born actor's half-century career included seven TV series and more than 25 films, but it was the Griffith show that brought him TV immortality and five Emmies. The show ran from 1960-68, and was in the top 10 of the Nielsen ratings each season, including a No. 1 ranking its final year. It is one of only three series in TV history to bow out at the top: The others are "I Love Lucy" and "Seinfeld." The 249 episodes have appeared frequently in reruns and have spawned a large, active network of fan clubs.

As the bug-eyed deputy to Griffith, Knotts carried in his shirt pocket the one bullet he was allowed after shooting himself in the foot. The constant fumbling, a recurring sight gag, was typical of his self-deprecating humor.

*Click here to read the article in its entirety.

Friday, February 24, 2006

I Love the 80's

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Rental Reviews

Red Eye. Rated 'PG-13'
Synopsis: A woman is kidnapped by a stranger on a routine flight. Threatened by the potential murder of her father, she is pulled into a plot to assist her captor in offing a politician.
Comments: I must admit that I've become leery of anything stamped 'Wes Craven' ever since he got the Gen Y seal of approval after 1996's Scream (which I admit to liking, but not necessarily what it did to the "horror" genre). However, I still give him the benefit of the doubt if I find some aspect of one of his movies attractive (i.e. werewolves and hottie Joshua Jackson in his previous cineturd Cursed). And that's why I rented Red Eye. I love thrillers and the concept seems enticing.

I enjoyed the movie. I thought it built some genuine suspense and had plausible performances. Though some may be turned off by the fact that the majority of the film takes place in one location (the interior of a plane), I felt it was handled well and kept a good flow. Not the most intense suspense I've seen, but a good rental.
Verdict: Worth the rental. Not necessarily one to add to the ol' DVD collection. Great ending.

Junebug. Rated 'R'
Synopsis: A dealer in "outsider" art travels from Chicago to North Carolina to meet her new in-laws, challenging the equilibrium of this middle class Southern home.
Comments: I remember seeing the trailer for this film and instantly being drawn to it. Though the premise is incredibly understated, it's a very well executed 'slice of life' film. I loved the juxtaposition of the small town mentality vs. the (as perceived by the family) snooty urbanites. Perhaps because I grew up in a small town myself, I could totally feel and appreciate the conflicts in the film.

The movie has a little something for everyone: great performances, comedy, drama, tears. I really enjoyed it. I feel like I got to know the characters, so naturally I was drawn into their individual personalities and respectively where each of them were coming from.
Verdict: Loved it. You can't help but fall in love with Ashley Adam's character, Junebg. She as endearing as she is tragic. Ashley rarely disappoints (Drop Dead Gorgeous, Psycho Beach Party, Pumpkin). And, as much as I hate to admit this, the O.C.'s (god, that leaves a bad taste in my mouth) Benjamin McKenzie does a great job as the embittered younger brother. I'd buy this movie. Definitely worth a look.

The Chumscrubber. Rated 'R'
Synopsis: A darkly satiric story about life crumbling in the midst of a seemingly idyllic suburbia.
Comments: Wow. I'm not sure where to begin with this waste of 108 minutes of my life. The trailer looked so promising and even I have to admit I wasn't quite sure what this movie was about when I saw the trailer. All I knew was that it had a great-looking cast (Glenn Close, Ralph Fiennes, John Heard, etc.) and the film itself looked great in the trailer...that's where the greatness ended.

I'd read several reviews of this movie and people seem to love latching onto one person's opinion and running with it. The more familiar and "alternative"-sounding the reference (in this case, Donnie Darko), the better. Well, I'm here to tell you, this movie had zero in common with the good movie, Donnie Darko. I think people like to compare the two because [A] They couldn't form an original opinion if they wanted to, and depend waaaay too much on other people's reviews to decipher movies for them. And [B] Both Chumscrubber and Donnie Darko are remotely (and even that's a stretch) similar in the sense that they both are dark (thematically) films with touches of surrealism.

The movie starts out promising, delivering the great visuals, fresh approach the movie trailer hinted at, then it goes down hill after the first 15 minutes. The movie doesn't know what it wants to be. At first you think it's going to be a dark comedy, then you think it's going to be an "edgy" message film, then you think it's going to be an ensemble piece, then you think it's going to be a twisted commentary on society and its polarizing effects on Gen. Y/X. It was all of these things and it all wound up making a huge wreck of a movie, which is disappointing because it had potential. There are some great bits 'n pieces here, which if edited correctly, could have been a good film, but as it is, it's a convoluted disaster. Not to mention the whole lame attempt at incorporating a video game character (thus the title of the movie) into an already bloated hodgpodge. What a waste of $4 and 108 minutes.
Verdict: 'Mess' is the keyword here. That combined with lackluster performances all around (Allison Janney and Glenn Close being the exceptions). Save your money to rent Donnie Darko or The Doom Generation instead. Two movies with directors that knew how to execute their vision.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

...And He's Dancin' Like He's Never Danced Before

So, there I was, performing one of those rituals I do, leafing through this week's new batch of sales circulars while spending some 'quality time' in the bathroom (And if you're one of those people going "ewwww!", then you must be one of those people who never blew their nose in school, doesn't have a problem never seeing a toilet during the entire run of The Brady Bunch and/or thinks toilet paper is something that never gets purchased; it just happens). So, I open up the Kroger sales circular and a spider falls out on my crotch! Let's just say I created a new dance sensation that rivals anything seen on Soul Train. Ever.

Note to self: Take advantage of Kroger's sale on toilet paper.


This story was on the local news a few nights ago, then I found this write-up in The Dallas Morning News on Friday. Sans the "being afraid" and the part about her being "messy and dirty," I could totally relate. I could see myself in her place. I can see how lots of "little" things could easily cumulate into the isolation of one's self. To think that someone so relatively young, got to the point where it all became too much for her that she cuts herself off from people, life, joy. It's all very sad.

However, it also infuriates me that some scumbags apparently saw this as an opportunity to steal from a dead person. The world's in a sad state of affairs.

Woman Lived in Fear and Isolation: After Body Found in House, Cashier Recalls Lonely, Timid Friend

The Dallas Morning News — Denise Eileen Day was afraid to live. She was afraid to go to the grocery store or the movies, a friend said. She was afraid to go outside at night for fear of being bitten by mosquitoes. She was afraid to date because she didn't think anyone would want her. Still, she told the friend she longed to live a happy, healthy life and have a family.

"She wanted to experience life, but she was afraid of taking that leap, I guess," said Jackie Moore, a cashier at the Casa Linda Cafeteria, where Ms. Day was a regular for years. After not hearing from her for more than a year, Ms. Moore learned Wednesday that Ms. Day's life may have taken the most tragic of turns: Police found the mummified body of a woman inside Ms. Day's home.

Although the Dallas County medical examiner's office and police have not positively identified the body, a police report lists the victim as 54 years old, the same age as Denise Day. And residents in the upper-middle-class neighborhood near White Rock Lake are all but certain the dead woman is Ms. Day.

Ms. Moore, 43, said she tried to reach Ms. Day during the last year but to no avail. Dozens of phone messages went unanswered. She dropped by the house in the 9300 block of Mercer Drive several times, but no one came to the door. The last time she saw Ms. Day was in 2004, when she took her grocery shopping. "I'm just really distraught, to tell you the truth," said Ms. Moore, sitting at a table in the cafeteria. "I knew all this time something was wrong."

Dallas police detectives are trying to contact relatives and two women who might have entered the home two weeks ago, said Deputy Chief Alfredo Saldaña, head of the crimes against persons division, which investigates unexplained deaths.

First police report

A neighbor called police Feb. 1 and said the two women arrived in a pickup, entered the home with a key and left with some boxes, according to a police report. But it's unclear who they were. Deputy Chief Jan Easterling, who oversees the northeast division, said a neighbor had called police last April, but no report was made. Other than those calls and one on Wednesday, police have found no other calls concerning the victim or the house.

A report on Wednesday shows that an e-mail request came in about 10 a.m., asking that Ms. Day's home be checked. Jackie Moore, Denise Day's friend, said she knew something was wrong. Later that day, about 3 p.m., an officer entered the two-story home through an unlocked garage door and discovered the mummified body on the floor of a downstairs bedroom.

According to the report, other doors were locked and windows were covered with iron bars. It appeared that the utilities had been turned off, and neighbors said no one had been living there for about a year. Officials with Dallas Water Utilities said service was shut off for nonpayment in April. The last payment received was in January 2005.

Chief Saldaña said detectives are investigating whether the house had been burglarized because the inside was in disarray. Dresser drawers were open, and clothing and newspapers were strewn on the floor. The house was so cluttered that there appeared to be nowhere to walk. "Usually when people live in conditions that are cluttered, there's usually a pathway that they walk though, but this one was hard to determine," Chief Saldaña said.

Chief Easterling said police are also investigating possible burglaries at two other homes owned by the Days. Officers went to the homes in the 2900 block of Rambling Drive in the same neighborhood, but on the other side of Ferguson Road. "There was enough evidence for the officers to make the burglary offenses at both these locations," Chief Easterling said.

Neighbors said that the two houses were burglarized last week. In one incident, a neighbor said that on her way to work, she saw a man crouching in between the two houses, which are side by side. Three days later, another neighbor saw two people taking an antique car from the garage of one of the houses, neighbors said.

Neighbors said the Days bought the two homes 20 years ago but never lived in them and never rented them out, despite paying taxes. According to property tax records, the houses are assessed at about $135,000 each. Post office records show someone asked that mail be forwarded to a post office box in 2004. The box was closed in July.

Cafeteria customer

Ms. Day told Ms. Moore she was an only child, that she'd gone to college and that she had married once, when she was in her 20s. She also said she worked with her father, Glenn Day, who died more than a decade ago. Ms. Moore said she met Ms. Day about 10 years ago. The woman and her mother were regulars at the East Dallas eatery, and Ms. Moore recalled her friend loved to eat brisket, mashed potatoes, black-eyed peas and peach cobbler.

At the restaurant, she seldom mingled with other customers and kept to herself. Ms. Moore said her friend was a "sweet, sweet girl" but had a lot of problems and lived a sheltered life. Most of their conversations revolved around Ms. Moore's children and grandchildren. Ms. Day seldom talked about herself. "Seemed like she opened up more after her mother died," Ms. Moore said.

It took her awhile to gain Ms. Day's trust, Ms. Moore said, and even when she did, it was hard for her to get close. Ms. Moore said she'd often suggest that they do things together, but Ms. Day never seemed interested. "She didn't want to bring anybody into her life that way," Ms. Moore said.

Ms. Moore said she tried to set her up with her brother on a date but that Ms. Day never took her up on the offer because she didn't think anyone would find her desirable. She said Ms. Day's house was messy and dirty. Garbage bags were piled up in the kitchen. Stacks of groceries appeared to have been there for years. The walls in one bathroom were covered with mold, and the curtains were falling apart. "The house had been leaking for years," Ms. Moore said.

The city issued a warning for a litter code violation to the house in October, and a citation was issued in November. Because no one cleaned the property after the citation was issued, the city mowed the lawn and sent a bill for the service to the homeowner. City officials said they did not know whether the fines and bills were paid.

Ms. Moore said she didn't know whether Ms. Day had any friends, but she said the woman was very close to her mother, Vivian, who died in 2004. She said she became concerned for her friend after Mrs. Day died because she seemed depressed, physically weak and more reclusive. She said Ms. Day would call her and leave messages telling her, "You're all I have now... I'm lost 'cause I don't have Mom...." Still, Ms. Moore said, her friend longed for a life of her own. "She always talked about wanting to live," she said, "she never talked about wanting to die."

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

TAB Low Flavor Calorie Energy Drink

While waiting in line at the grocery store recently, I noticed in the refrigerated soft drink case (the impulse buy manipulation du jour) that my favorite soft drink of all time, TAB, has a new "energy drink." Of course, being only human, I had to get one.

First off, let me say that I have never drank, bought or been interested in so-called energy drinks. Personally, I think energy is overrated. If I need energy I'll get it the natural way, through endorphins released via good old-fashioned exercise. Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my god, I knew I couldn't say that with a straight face!!! Were you buying that? Oh dear lord...ahem...anyway... But seriously, energy drinks hold no appeal for me. I consider them the retarded cousin of the other drinks I never cared about: Gatorade, flavored waters, beer, juice (except grape juice, which is just delicious) and the latest addition to the family "oxygenated water" (gimme a break already!). I bought the TAB energy drink simply because I am a big fan of its retrolicious, carbonated namesake.

Like a goofy little kid, I 'saved' the drink for when I got home, in order to savor it's (perceived) deliciousness...

Let's just say, if there was ever a flavor called "yuck," the people who developed the TAB energy drink deserve the recognition for inventing it. OMG, it tasted like what I can only assume gerbil ass with an aftertaste of sucralose-laden berries would taste like. HORRIBLE! It was like that old joke: "Your cooking is so bad that the dog had to lick his own ass to get the taste out of his mouth!" Soooo bad.

So, unless you have a death wish or are gearing up to be a contestant on Fear Factor, avoid this "drink" at all costs. With a taste this bad, it won't have a long shelf life anyway. On the plus side, I used the can opener to remove the top of the can and it makes a swell pencil cup!

Also New on the grocer's shelf:

Eggo (yes, just like the waffles) cereal
• "Berry" Lucky Charms cereal

Monday, February 20, 2006

Oh No He Didn't!

Chavez to Rice: 'Don't Mess With Me, Girl'

This Just In:

Laura Ingalls is a dirty, rotten liar. That is all.

Estate Sale 2

[1] In one of the bedrooms there were three of the old Planter's Peanuts glass jars and each of them had misc. things in them. I bought the one filled with these little miniature goodies:

• 2 2-liter Pepsi bottles
• 3 cans of evaporated milk
• 3 cans of tuna
• 1 box of Lipton tea bags
• 1 roll of pink Scott paper towels
• 3 cans of Del Monte fruit cocktail
• 1 box of Domino sugar
• 1 box of Nabisco Ritz crackers
• 1 box of Betty Crocker Hamburger Helper (lasagna-flavor!)
• 1 box of Nabisco vanilla wafers
• 1 box of Ralston-Purina Freakies cereal (how kickass is that!!?)
• 1 box of Sun Maid raisins
And last, but not least
• 1 box of cake flour

I get such a kick outta these! The little roll of paper towels actually comes in a miniature paper wrapper and there is actually a mini roll of pink paper towels inside! Also, the detail on each is so great. They are completely designed to look like the real thing, down to the smallest detail. There are even cereal prize pictures 'n stuff on the back of the box of Freakies! Like I was pointing out to one of my friends, it's kinda rare to find these made with actual brand names on them. Nowadays they don't do that because they have to pay royalties. ($3)

[2] Meet Whitetrash Bobcat! The perfect compliment to any decor! Handcrafted in Mexico out of authentic plaster, the attention to detail is breathtaking! Did I hear a purr? ($20) *I did not buy this shitbomb...however some people were actually debating about whether to buy it or not, intensely giving it the once-over. WTF?

[3] I sooo wanted to buy these kickass water skis, but I have zero use for them. I just thought it was cool that they were made of wood and had such a groovy design on them. ($12)

[4] Though one of my friends has at-ti-tude when it comes to synthetic fabrics, not to mention used bedding in general, personally, I love and miss these types of blankets, so that's why I bought it. So nyah! Besides, that's why God invented washing machines (in actuality, a man named James King invented the first washing machine, but we'll let God have this one anyway). Duh! These types of blankets used to be popular in the 70's (satin-esque fabric at the top/bottom, fuzzy, comfy synthetic fabric on the rest). I remember having a yellow one! Snuggle-y! ($4)

[5] Walking into this bedroom made me feel like I'd walked into the past. Had a strange vibe. Like it's once been a teen's room. Maybe I was trying too hard to put a face with the other retro girlie goodies (yellow ochre-colored record player with handle, Fisher Price schoolhouse, etc.). At any rate, as boring as it is, I just felt like taking this picture.

Saturday, February 18, 2006


C'mon, you know you all know someone just like this. LOL!

[ Click image to enlarge ]

Friday, February 17, 2006

God Warriors, Come Out to Play-ay!

I rebuke thee gargyles! I rebuke thee toothbrush! I rebuke thee electricity! I rebuke thee low-fat caramel corn! 'Cause I'm a GOD WARRIOR!!! (let's out Xena-like war cry) Okay, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I was torn between titling this blog entry "Geeezus Christ! Superstar? or what I ended up calling it. I was gonna add one of my "old school" '-or-,' but decided against it. I'm too retentive to have the title be longer than one line long. I know, I'm rambling.

As disgusting as it is to talk about, I feel I must let those of you who may have missed it the first time around, know that the episode of the reality show Trading Spouses with the inbred "God Warrior" (AKA Marguerite Perrin), will be airing an encore presentation of the episode. I mentioned it briefly in a previous post, so if you didn't see it, you have to set your TiVo, VCR, whatever, and see it for yourself. There's just no way to explain how fuckin' retarded this loser really is.

And here's the REALLY scary part. Now she's gone Hollywood and is a fuckin' "celebrity." I shit you not, she has her own website (which I refuse to link to...just Google "Marguerite Perrin" if you dare), complete with "calendar of events", photo gallery (at the Billboard Music Awards, etc.), bulletin boards (hilarious must-reads!) and get this, even a CD single where she (deep breath) RAPS on her "debut single" Marguerite (Why Can't You Be Sweet). Hit me in the face with a brick. Right now. Hard. I don't want to live in a world where some toothless hillbilly who doesn't know how to pronounce the word "gargoyles" is a celebrity.

Courtesy of her website:
Marguerite made her primary impact on America with her unforgettable appearance on the reality TV show, Trading Spouses. Her appearance, heavily advertised during the World Series, became the highest rated episode. Marguerite did not stop there. Appearances have included an interview with Mad Mama Makeover (Access Hollywood), chatting with the winners of The Biggest Loser, sharing her opinions on Inside Edition, OK Magazine and Reality Remix, as well as a second episode of Trading Spouses, whose video clip was one of the top rated clips for VH1 in 2005. And, after two appearances on The Kennedy Show, she accepted invitations for radio tours for both the Billboard and Radio Music Awards.

After appearing in TV Guide (a full page feature) and in the LA Times calendar section (which was one of the most read issues of 2005), much to her surprise a bobble head doll was created in her honor. Viewed on eBay by 350,000 people, the doll sold for $870, only to be presented to her on the Tonight Show as a special surprise by Jay Leno. A return appearance on the Tonight Show is being scheduled, and Marguerite's first music CD entitled "Marguerite (Why Can't You Be Sweet)" has been released to radio, as well as an upcoming movie role in Pandora's Yacht. This small town girl has definitely begun to make a name for herself in Tinsel Town. However, with all her fame and success, she still remains, well, somewhat unchanged.

The saddest part of all is that this ignorant sack of gopher turds actually thinks she's some kind of talent that's been unearthed. She doesn't realize that she's the biggest inbred joke to come along since that little boy who starred in those Problem Child movies. We can only hope she's not blowing all her dough on a fleet of pimped-out Rascals (one for every day of the week!) and the good ice cream (instead of the store brand), 'cause her 15 minutes is ticking away. Maybe she can make those unsold CDs into a suncatcher for her yard.

A group calling themselves Goes Cube has created a spoof song about her, called Slagkick. Click on the song title and hear the MP3 for yourself*. You'll get a little taste of just how squirrely this bitch really is, via sound clips from the Trading Spouses episode where she goes apeshit on national television. *The hyperlink to the song seems to come and go, so if it's not working now, Google "Slagkick."

Trading Spouses airs tonite on the FOX network at 7pm (CST). Check local listings for time and channel.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Avon Calling!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Fog Log (That Ain't Mud On Your Shoes!)

I told myself I wasn't going to see this movie, but there I was at the video store and the New Release wall was devoid of any new horror, so I did the unconscionable: I rented the remake of John Carpenter's The Fog.

First off, before I get too far into this rant, I have to say that I love the original version of The Fog. It's actually my favorite Carpenter film, though most prefer Halloween or The Thing. However, just because I love the original, I wasn't completely opposed to giving the remake a chance...if anything about it appealed to me. For example, when Gus Van Sant did a frame for frame/word for word remake of Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho, everyone was all freakin' out because he was remaking a classic. I loved the original too and didn't expect cinemagic to strike twice, but I was willing to give it a chance because the film had a great look, I loved the original and I liked the casting. Besides, at that point remakes hadn't completely started blowing America's cock for buffalo nickels. Anyway, my point is I'm one of the few people who actually liked the Psycho remake. Of course it can't touch the original, but I enjoyed it on its own merits and style.

So, along with the blasphemous remakes of The Stepford Wives, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and most recently, When a Stranger Calls (horrible movie poster art, btw), I was determined not to watch The Fog remake. For two main reasons: I hated the casting and I hated that the fog itself was gonna get the CGI treatment. I fuckin' HATE CGI. I think it's one of the biggest bullshit cop outs associated with the so-called "special effects" industry today. Yeah yeah, I know times change and I'm no technophobe, however, when you stop creating actual physical models of creatures, people, etc. and just throw everything up against a green screen and type some coordinates into the computer, I think that's crap. Especially, when it can be accomplished with good old-fashioned special effects craftsmanship. And that's what special effects used to be: an art. Now it's just some goober with a ponytail who got moist over The Matrix one too many times and derfed around until he got his foot in the door. To that I say "whatever."

Instead of boring you with the endless deconstruction of scene after scene after scene, I'll just bullet point why I hated this movie:

• I think the guy (Tom Welling) who plays Clark Kent on the WB's Smallville looks weird (though, I do like Smallville in small doses...no pun intended). There's just something about his face that bugs the shit outta me. It's like he's always in S&M-mode (Stand & Model). Sure, he has a decent bod, but the face and the horrible acting aren't winning any points with me. I knew I was gonna hate him in the role originated by Tom Atkins, when I saw him pass off some 'sweet' Abercrombie & Fitch-style wardrobe as "everyman" clothes. The cable knit sweater with the HUGE turtleneck sealed his fate. Stick to the aptly-named boob tube, Super Dud.

• I used to like Selma Blair, but after seeing her royally fuck up the once groovy role of sultry radio DJ, Stevie Wayne (originally played to much better effect and plausibility by Adrienne Barbeau), I can no longer respect her. At all. She totally doesn't have a radio voice, doesn't look old enough to be portraying the mother of a 12 year old and tried waaaaaaay too hard to be AWESOME! Whatever. Retire the tube of black eyeliner, Selma Blah.

• The painfully obvious injection of urban "flava." What-ever. I don't have a problem with black actors in films or anything outdated like that, but I do have a problem when filmmaker's deliberately try to add some "color" to a movie. Especially a horror movie. If you've seen any mainstream horror movies in the last 10 years, you know what I'm talking about. The black characters are always the tell-it-like-it-is, sassy, too cool for school character who either gets killed or saves the day while managing to say something totally hilarious. Again, whatever.

• The entire movie was just too "This is a movie for the eXtreme, techno-savvy generation!! Wooooo! eXtreeeeeeeeeeeeeeme!!" I fuckin' hate that shit. If it wasn't a completely pointless cell phone scene,iPod, some eXtreme tunes, or the director's personal ode to Girls Gone Wild, it was some bullshit plot point involving a handheld video camera or flat screen computer. Yeah, We fuckin ' GET IT, already!!! You have the technology and know how to use it! Wooo hooo! Now go snowboard off a fuckin' cliff while wearin' your faux vintage iron-on T, suckin' back a Mountain Dew energy drink and sticking out your pierced tongue. SwEet!

• The actors were horrible. From the textbook 'drunk' drama queen preacher (originally Hal Holbrook's role), to the misunderstood, rebellious blonde chick (Maggie Grace) who tore herself away from watching an episode of One Tree Hill long enough to apply a fresh coat of lipgloss and accessorize with a 'kicky' scarf. Not to mention Super Dud perpetually in super-manly heartthrob-defender-mode. Examples of some of the breakthrough performances:
- The fagtacular recoil of "shock" Super Dud awkwardly fumbles through once he realizes that the girl he's just picked up on a dark, country road is actually his old flame. Stale!
- Selma Blair literally says the word "ugh." I'm not kidding. It's a sound reaction, not fuckin' literal! Geeezus Christ! That's the equivalent of, let's say one of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park running up to a vehicle full of terrified passengers and literally going "ROAR!" Retards!

• The horribly unnecessary additions and alterations to the original film. For instance, in the remake there's a scene where some old, gnarled seafaring character keeps discovering various things washing up on shore. Of course they're all treasures of yesteryear from the doomed ship full of lepers (if you don't know what I'm talking about, rent the original and find out). And it doesn't stop there. He doesn't just find ONE thing, he finds tons of stuff. It's like some goddamn ghostly slot machine; everyone's a winner! There is an actual scene where he's walking on the beach as the tide washes in and he looks behind him and there's an entire fucking dining room table and chairs 'magically' set up on the beach, complete with chandelier, half buried in the wet sand nearby. How music video is that shit? I swear to God they had a completely identical scene in an episode of The O.C.!! That's when you know (if you didn't already pick up on it when Gen Z's answer to Stevie Wayne is gyrating to some super-awesome electronica music in her kickass lighthouse, decorated a la Spencer's gifts) that at the helm of this "re-imagining" is someone who got their feet wet directing music videos. Awful!

• The exposition (backstory) in this movie is handled so ham-handedly that you'll swear you smell porkchops. For instance, the completely retarded (and pointless) drive-by that Super Dud makes early on in the movie, to let the audience know that he's a ruggedly-handsome rebel...with an ancestral tie to the plot. But then everyone (sans the black guy, natch) has some kind of connection to the fuckin' undead pirates.

• And last but not least, hands down, one of the worst things about the movie: the shitball CGI "special effects." I'm sorry, but when movies get to the point where simple things like fuckin' car WINDOWS are being CGI'd, I officially throw my hands up. Not to mention the fact that the goddamn fog is no longer a character, but a "sweet-ass" effect, complete with "spooky" faces and shadow-y figures that zip by in super-awesome eXtreme-mode. AWESOME! ::plays air guitar::

So, in closing, avoid this shitbag movie like it was the fuckin' plague (pun intended), unless you're jonesin' for a kickass soundtrack, shitball casting and some sweet-ass CGI. eXtreme!!! Woo hoo!

*Click the image of the "New & Improved" eXtreme version of The Fog movie poster, to see an actual review written by a mongtard over at Amazon.com...and my subsequent rebuttal.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day

Monday, February 13, 2006

Cha-Ka & Mr. Whipple's Lovechild Has Issues

So, Friday night while I was at the local Hollywood Video, gettin' my rent on, I see this guy. Not too noteworthy. He did have a nice bod (nice pecs...but at what price?), but otherwise, a serious case of Cha-Kaface (everyone worth their weight in 70's pop culture, watched Land of the Lost). Oh well, that's why God created beer goggles and Rohypnol, am I right? But I digress...

So, while I was perusing the previously-viewed DVDs, so was he. Being a Friday night, the store was a wreck. Things were askew throughout the store, including the previously-viewed DVDs. So, when I noticed a random bag of candy left atop one of the racks of DVDs, I thought nothing of it...until Cha-Ka goes Mr. Whipple on it. Initially, I though nothing of it, assuming it was in his way and he couldn't see the DVD title. Then he passed another candy/popcorn display and he (nonchalantly) gets squeeze-happy again. Then again on an end-cap (i.e. a display fixture located at the end of an aisle...for those who have never worked retail)...and again at the check out. WTF is that about? Anyway, it got me to thinking...

Say you met someone you thought was snacktacular in every way. You start dating, you start getting close...then you find out that your mancandy (or womancandy) has an idiosyncrasy: he/she can't resist getting their squeeze on wherever you go, be it the grocery store, the post office, the video store, etc. Of course this is just an example, it could just as well be something else equally quirky. My question: Would this be a deal breaker? I realize I breached this subject in a previous post, but it got me to thinking. I came to the conclusion that if I really liked the person, I think I could come to terms with it, but it would depend on the quirk and how deep-set it was. For example...

I remember back in junior high I was friends with this guy named Don. We had a few classes together and we made each other laugh. Then I witnessed something disturbing. Something I'd never noticed before. One day after coming back from a bathroom break during social studies, I noticed Don was gettin' his sniff on, periodically smelling his fingertips. I didn't say anything at the time and later made a conscious effort to notice if it was a random thing or something much more ingrained. As it turned out, e-v-e-r-y single time he emerged from the bathroom, he became Sniffles The Curious Elf. Naturally, I was very sensitive to Don's plight and began referring to him as Poo Poo Fingahs (AKA Sir Dookie Digits). Of course he denied it, yet he could still be seen sneaking a forbidden sniff from time to time. Fa-reak!

Brokeback Hack

Jesus Christ. Someone please put Tyra Bank's "talk show" out of its misery. If it's not another retarded stunt du jour, it's all about her and how "real" she is. Like her über-retarded episode that aired last week where "Tyra goes to Sea World to face her fears and swim with the dolphins."

Now get a load of this... I just saw (and I swear to God, I'm not making this up) an advertisement for tomorrow's show:"Real Life Brokeback Mountain." Shoot me. Shoot me now.

I hope whoever she fingered over at the Oxygen channel and UPN was worth it. We can only hope someone comes to their senses and puts this turkey out of its misery soon. I'd rather watch old episodes of 1995's The Tempestt Bledsoe Show. Oy vey.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Jaws Author, Peter Benchley Dies at 65

New York Times — Peter Benchley, whose 1974 novel "Jaws" turned shark attacks into a national obsession and who later used what he called his "fish story" to help promote oceanic conservation, died yesterday morning at his home in Princeton, N.J. He was 65. The cause was pulmonary fibrosis, a progressive scarring of the lungs, said his wife, Wendy.

Even before it was published, "Jaws," Mr. Benchley's first novel, was becoming a sensation as word trickled out of the publishing business that a blockbuster story was on the way. Movie rights were bought up, magazine articles commissioned, and the great white shark was thrust into the spotlight in a way that foreshadowed the current national obsession with "The Da Vinci Code."

For several years in the mid-1970's, the great white shark was the subject of essays and comedy skits, swimmers teased one another with the foreboding "baa-dum" theme music from the Steven Spielberg film, and lifeguards and town elders tried to assure vacationers that it was safe to go into the water.

*To read the article in its entirety, click here.
** To see a special homage to the movie Jaws, click the image that accompanies this blog entry. (Be sure and click on the rabbit at the very end)

I know I won't be saying anything that countless others aren't already saying, but I really love the movie Jaws. I remember not being able to see the actual movie at the time because I was "too young," however I have fond memories of discovering the Reader's Digest Condensed Book on the shelf located in the headboard of my babysitter's guest bedroom. I was super-excited and remember reading it every time I got to go to her house. I eventually rented the movie on VHS (old school, baby!...whatever) and it stressed the shit outta me!! I loved every minute of it. Of course, I also loved part 2 and saw 3 in 3-D at the theater. I also own the complete set of 3-D tie-in bubblegum cards, thanks to my friend Nathan, as well as the movie tie-in paperbacks of both Jaws 1 and 2. I even have an Advanced Reading Copy ("Coming as a Bantam Super Release April 19, 1978!") of Jaws 2. Such happy memories.

And Benchley's killer shark wasn't my only memory. I also loved his early 90's novel The Beast (later made into a less-than-thrilling TV-movie in '96), about one of my favorite things: giant squid! They are a neverending source of fascination to me. I guess because they are so fuckin' creepy (beaks...tentacle hooks! aaaiiiigggh!) and elusive. Not to mention that they live deep, deep near the ocean floor, are naturally aggressive and scientists have discovered beached whales with squid tentacle marks the size of hubcaps! Creeeeeepy.

Thanks for all the scares, memories and fun. R.I. P., Mr. Benchley.

Duck Season! Wabbit Season! Lawyer Season!

As I'm sure you've already heard, Vice President Cheney shot his hunting partner during their recent hunting trip here in good ol' Texas. OMG, it cracks me up! Can't wait to see what The Daily Show has to say about it tomorrow nite.

For those who haven't heard about it, here's a brief write up I found over at Guardian Unlimited Cheney Shoots, Asks Questions Later

Never sneak up behind Dick Cheney when he has a gun in his hand. That is the painful lesson learned by Texas lawyer Harry Whittington, 78, in a hunting accident at the weekend.

Mr Whittington, the United States vice-president, and a third person went quail shooting on Saturday at one of the grandest ranches in Texas. While Mr Cheney and the third man laid in wait for the quail, Mr Whittington approached them from behind without signalling his presence. Just then the quail were flushed out.

The owner of the ranch, Katharine Armstrong, witnessed the incident. "The vice-president didn't see him," she told the Associated Press news agency. "He picked out a bird and shot and, my God, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good. "It broke the skin," she said. "It knocked him silly. But he was fine. He was talking. His eyes were open. It didn't get in his eyes or anything like that." Mrs Armstrong added that these things happen "from time to time - you know, I've been peppered pretty well myself".

Fortunately for Mr Whittington, a millionaire lawyer from Austin, the vice-president's medical team, on permanent call due to his sometimes fragile physical condition, were nearby.

"Fortunately, the vice-president has got a lot of medical people round him and they were right there," Mrs Armstrong said. "He has an ambulance permanently on call and it came immediately."

Although the incident occurred at 5.30pm, Mr Whittington was not admitted to the nearby Corpus Christi Memorial hospital until 8.15pm. He was treated for birdshot injuries to the neck, chest and face, and was said to be in good condition and good spirits. Yesterday, he was visited by Mr Cheney at the hospital.

First, I find it disturbingly arrogant that there is no mention, either on television or in any of the articles I've read that Cheney ever even apologized (typical). Second, I find it somewhat bemusing that Cheney "...has an ambulance permanently on call..." Yeah, I would too if I had a heart attack every 6 months. Thirdly, why'd it take them nearly 3 hours to get him to the local hospital? Did they have to get their stories straight first or what? Sorry kids, there's no way you can spin this one in a positive light. Oh wait, maybe they can say Cheney was "liberating" the buckshot from its oppressive locale. LOL! Whatever.

* Click the picture for a fun supwise!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Craft Corner

Friday, February 10, 2006

I'm a Dirty Birdy

A friend and I were recently discussing mean things we had done to people from our pasts. It reminded me of this story. Don't stop loving me...

About 15 years ago when I first moved to the town where I currently reside, I made friends with another guy my age online. As luck would have it, we were both going to be attending the same local university. We talked online all summer, eventually on the phone and got to be friends (or so I thought). One day while talking about our class schedules, it turned out that we had a class (Human Sexuality) together. We made plans to meet at the entrance of the bldg. our class was in, so we could finally meet and sit together. He asked for a picture, promising to reciprocate (which he never did). When it came time for class (it was a big class in an auditorium), he knew what I looked like, but I didn't know what he looked like. I waited at the entrance we'd designated, but he never showed, yet I got the distinct feeling someone was watching me in class...

After class, we had to sign in on the roll sheets that were taped up at the back of the auditorium (to show we had attended). I saw that his name was still on the roster AND he'd been in class and signed in...yet he never acknowledged me! I e-mailed him and said I was sorry I missed him (giving him the benefit of the doubt), but he never talked to me again, online or otherwise. I was fuming! So...

At the time, I worked at a nearby video store and out of boredom one day, I typed in his last name to see if he rented at our store (we both lived in the area, so it was a shot in the dark). As it turned out, his parents had an account and he was listed as one of the renters. I jotted down his info for safe keeping.

As fate would have it, he hadn't "come out" yet and the university had a student chapter of GLA (it was 'GLA' at the time: Gay/Lesbian Association....now I think it's called the GLBTA: Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender Association...oy vey). I acquired some university stationery from the art dept. office, typed up a letter welcoming him to the GLA, enclosed some PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) brochures and sent it to his parents.

I like to think I helped simplify the inevitable.

*The first in a series of well-deserved dirty deeds.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Valentine's Day

Just 6 more days until Valentine's Day!

I realize some people hate Valentine's Day, but I've always loved it. Believe it or not, I'm not one of those sadsacks who has to "be" with someone in order to enjoy the holiday. As much as I revel in bitching and complaining, I have to admit that the people who don't like something simply because they feel they have to be dating someone/in a relationship with someone to enjoy something, bugs the shit outta me (or as I refer to it as "The Jerry Maguire Syndrome"; 'You complete me.' Shyeah, whatever, Smacky). Just enjoy it for what it is. If you happen to be in a relationship, cool. If you're not, that's cool too.

Personally, I love the decorations, the cards, the candy (duh!). It's just one of those holidays that I associate with good memories. I don't know about you, but I lived to make the annual Valentine shoebox in grade school! I got such a kick out of that and all the corny old Valentines I always got! And of course, there's always the NECCO Conversation Hearts! M-m-m-m! The white ones are my favorite! (Make your own Conversation Heart and check out the ones I made last year!)

According to How Stuff Works, here's what's new with Valentines:

Apparently, gifts of chocolates and flowers haven't replaced carefully chosen cards on Valentine's Day. Since 1915, Hallmark*, the undisputed leader of the greeting card industry, has manufactured cards to be mailed in envelopes. Founder Joyce Hall started selling greeting postcards from two shoe boxes as early as 1910. The Norfolk, Nebraska, teenager with the big ideas built a Kansas City business and global empire. Today, Hallmark** makes a tremendously diverse range of cards in 30 languages and sells them in more than 100 countries.

Some people still make their own valentines. Most parents think these are the best kind.

The modern valentine card has become increasingly sophisticated, keeping pace with popular technological advances. For example, there are cards that let you record a romantic message, "scratch-and-sniff" cards and cards that play romantic music.

And of course, you can send e-mail valentines. Some sites even offer free personal use of their illustrations or cards. Other technology allows you to send a romantic videotape or fax with a personal valentine message. But choose your valentine carefully -- some people find fax and e-mail missives too impersonal and not private enough for this holiday of love. Sometimes the best ideas are the simplest!

* This link will take you to the new plush animals Hallmark is selling this year. Valentino is my favorite! I'm going to get him tomorrow. Too cute, and I don't see many stuffed animals these days that I think truly stand out.

** This link will show you the Michael Bublé CD Hallmark is selling with purchase. I just love his music. I realize he's the new Harry Connick Jr.-esque flavor du jour, but the classics never die.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Liquid Donut

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Once the fried dough embodiment of hot and fresh, Krispy Kreme has transformed its original glazed doughnut into a new frozen beverage for summer.

The chain introduced a new line of frozen drinks Wednesday, including frozen original kreme -- a drinkable version of the company's signature doughnut -- raspberry, latte and double chocolate. Customers can also add coffee to the kreme and double chocolate.

"Just as we did with our new signature coffees, our team took great care in developing four new, great-tasting frozen blended beverages, designed to offer customers an even greater variety of choices and taste experiences," President and CEO Scott Livengood said in a statement.

"We feel our expanded beverage offerings will provide tremendous growth opportunity for both the company and the Krispy Kreme brand," he added.

The drinks are available in 3 cup sizes -- 12-ounce, 16-ounce and 20-ounce -- and the suggested retail prices vary from $2.79 for the small size drink to $3.99 for the large size.

A Reminder from Kirkkitsch

Even if someone tells you "You're the new high-fashion face of the 80's!," always remember: It's what's on the inside that really counts. Outrageous!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Top Fours

I was tagged with this meme by Kate, but just now got around to filling it out. I know it's extremely anal, but I like to wait until I have enough time to really formulate the answers I wanna give. So, here goes:

Four Places I've Lived:
[1] Dallas, Tx
[2] Arlington, Tx
[3] Breckenridge, Tx
[4] Door County, Wi

(Okay, I didn't actually have a home address in the last 2 places, but I did technically "live" there, even if it was for a few days. What can I say, I'm not much of a nomad. I like to stay put, hey, I'm not your typical homo.)

Four Jobs I've Had:
[1] Take It Home Video
[2] 2 Day Video
[3] The Movie Place
[4] Video Update (Do you sense a pattern? Here's another one: I quit working for all of them for the same reason: Blockbuster bought them all out and took over. No thanks.)

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over:
[1] 'night, Mother
[2] If Lucy Fell
[3] Clue
[4] The Witches of Eastwick

Four TV Shows You Love:
[1] The Daily Show
[2] How Clean is Your House
[3] The Facts of Life
[4] Clean House

Four Places You've Been on Vacation:
[1] Wisconsin
[2] Alaska
[3] Washington D.C.
[4] Los Angeles

Four Websites You Visit Daily:
[1] MySpace
[2] Google Images
[3] My Blog: My So-Called Strife
[4] Musclestats

Four Of Your Favorite Foods:
[1] Spaghetti 'n meatballs
[2] Snickerdoodles
[3] Chicken nuggets
[4] White cake (Think wedding, birthday, etc. And not that whipped lo-cal frosting shit, either. Buttercream or nuthin'!)

Four Places You'd Rather Be:
[1] Rhode Island
[2] Anywhere Johnny Knoxville is
[3] Underwater
[4] Xanadu

Four Albums You Adore:
[1] King Kooba- Enter the Throne Room
[2] Robert Palmer- Riptide (Totally underrated album)
[3] Etta James- R 'n B Dynamite
[4] Morrissey- Viva Hate

Four People to Tag With This Meme:
Any 4 people who wanna do it. If you choose to do it, let me know and I'll add/link you as one of the 4.

Mac 'n Cheez

[ Click images for a larger version ]

Monday, February 06, 2006

C'mon Get Crappy!

I am not a craft fan. I hate 95% of what some people consider "crafts" these days. Especially people (usually women, but not always) here in Texas. I've seen some fruity guy who claims to be an interior designer, "create" things for the local morning news shows (i.e. flower arrangements from found objects, centerpieces, etc.) and thought to myself "Are you fuckin' kidding me? I've coughed up better looking shit than that! Sans the glitter." And while we're on the topic, glitter does not necessarily make everything "better."

Personally, I love the "old school" crafts of yesteryear. Circa the 60's and 70's, mostly. Back when you could make cool/practical things by the ingenious use of odds 'n ends found around the house: aerosol can lids, clothespins, felt, etc. I always dug that stuff. I have fond memories of two of my favorites: A paperweight we made in Vacation Bible School made from an old ashtray, a picture of me, some plaster and felt. Neat-o! Then there was my personal favorite, which I would totally use today if I still knew where it was: A recipe card holder constructed from a plastic fork, a hairspray can lid, plaster and fake foliage/flowers. You'd position the fork in the middle of the lid, pour in plaster, decorate with assorted foliage before the plater hardened. Once dried, place the recipe card of choice in the tines of the fork and voilà! Instant recipe card holder! Fun and practical!

Annnyway, enough reminiscing. The point of this blog entry is to talk about the horseshit that passes for "crafting" here on local cable-access television. Oy vey. First off, before I get too far along, I have to admit I sometimes find myself inadvertently watching this shit simply because it is so godawful.

Sewing With Nancy (who always looks like she has a chaw fulla sourballs) aside, my latest crapft show du jour is Gardening With Dotty (these shows don't get too adventurous with the names, do they?). Dotty Woodson to be precise. First off, she looks like Mason Reese with split-ends wearing a Christmas sweater. I just can't take her seriously. Recently her post-Christmas episode aired (weekdays 9:30am on channel 16), where she recycled old Christmas trees into whitetrash eyesores. Splendiferous! I know, you want details:

One was called a "Bottle Tree," which was also highlighted in a small article (titled "TRY THIS NOW"...gah) in The Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper. WTF? Even scarier, she probably got payed for it. Fuckin' scary. The premise is simple: Once you're finished with your Christmas tree, let it lay out in the sun, get really dry, then take all the needles off of it. Place the tree in cement (for planting in your yard later!), trim the limbs (with your "loppers") to various lengths and place colorful, empty bottles on them. Delicious, no? I noticed she was using a lot of Skyy Vodka bottles. Ahem.

The other turdtacular idea also involved the exact same concept, but it was called a "Decoration Tree." Instead of placing bottles on the branches, you placed multiple, MULTIPLE assorted windchimes, bells and suncatchers. Oh my god, it was AWFUL!!! It looked like a dollar store exploded. Shitacular!

So, in closing, here's my point: Friends don't let friends make bad crafts. Do your friends a favor and don't encourage them if you KNOW the shit they're making is craptacular. They could be putting all that time, money and energy to much better use. Don't let them waste it creating future white elephant party fodder.

Be sure and tune in tomorrow for part two of my two-part installment on crafts gone bad: Macaroni Fashion with television's Mary Tyler Moore!

Friday, February 03, 2006

Back by Popular Demand...

Since everyone seemed to love the terribly un-PC marketing of Chubbette last time, I thought I would share another one with you. This time it screams "Fat girls love cake!" Well, I'm here to tell you I love cake too, so nyah! (chomp!)

By the way, one of my readers asked what year these ads originally circulated. The answer: the early 1960's. Most of the ones I've come across have been dated 1962-1963. I tried finding some info about the company (i.e. when it was founded, how long it survived, etc.), but to no avail.

The scariest part: These are the nice, cute ads. The ones that came later pretty much showed a 'Before' and 'After' of the same "husky" gal, and to be honest, there was little if no real visual difference, unless you count the pained grimace in the "After" picture and/or the glint of humiliation in the young girl's eye. Sad. Even sadder: we're still making fat girls (and boys to an extent) feel like lepers, 20 years later. Viva le progrès!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Deja Poo Vu

First off, I realize that I haven't blogged about any stupid assholes in a while, so you'll be happy to know that I hit the jackpot yesterday. And people wonder why I'm such a recluse...

(1) I stopped by the post office to buy some stamps, renew my P.O. box and check to see if a package I'd been expecting was there. While I was in line, I noticed that some man was coming into the post office and was loaded down with boxes, so I stepped out of line for a second and opened the door for him, holding it open until I was sure he'd made it inside. Nothing. No thank you, thanks, nuthin'. I said loudly "You're WELCOME." Rude asshole. Why I bother being nice anymore is a mystery to me. Fucker.

(2) Then I went around the corner to the grocery store and as I was leaving, this ignorant asshole was parked, blocking the exit, sitting and talking to another dumbass. I waited, thinking he'd move once he saw that I couldn't leave (or go around him, 'cause people kept coming down the way and I would have been in the wrong lane had I tried to pass him stupid ass). He never budged or made any effort to pull around and out of the way. Finally, the coast was clear and I was able to go around him. I pulled up beside him, and naturally he had his back turned to me (pussy), so once I got right next to him, I layed on the horn and scared the shit out of him. Stupid old prick!

(3) And last, but not least, I stopped by the book store and ended up having to listen to this stupid bitch's 3 kids fight, scream and whine for the entire time I was there. Naturally her Lord of the Rings-lovin' ass and her Grape Nuts-eatin', ponytail-wearin' faux-intellectual hippie leftover of a husband were oblivious. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Why people go to places like book stores, the library or movies with fuckin' kids in tow, I will never understand. Especially when they're (the children) obviously not used to being out in public. Whatever happened to babysitters and grandparents? Selfish pricks like this make me hate venturing out in public. I long for a child-free utopia. Shyeah, like that's gonna happen. Here's a novel idea, how about disciplining your fuckin' kids? Whatta radical concept! I hate people.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Welcome to Crazytown

As you know, I have a soft spot for ephemera. I thrive on it. I collect it. Well, a few years ago I was fortunate enough to purchase an old scrapbook at a flea market for a STEAL. It was loaded with hundreds of vintage greeting cards, family photos, certificates of grade school completion, baptisms, etc. The cards were (I deduce) for the children of the family. From birth announcements/congratulation cards to birthdays to every conceivable holiday, there are literally decades of cards.

Well, recently I felt like sitting and just leafing through it and taking it all in, and stumbled across something I'd overlooked the first time. It's a 1958 brochure and ticket stubs to Disneyland! It's absolutely INSANE how much it cost to get in then compared to now. Then: Children: $3. Adults: $4. Almost 50 Years Later: Children: $49. Adults: $59.

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