Monday, February 06, 2006

C'mon Get Crappy!

I am not a craft fan. I hate 95% of what some people consider "crafts" these days. Especially people (usually women, but not always) here in Texas. I've seen some fruity guy who claims to be an interior designer, "create" things for the local morning news shows (i.e. flower arrangements from found objects, centerpieces, etc.) and thought to myself "Are you fuckin' kidding me? I've coughed up better looking shit than that! Sans the glitter." And while we're on the topic, glitter does not necessarily make everything "better."

Personally, I love the "old school" crafts of yesteryear. Circa the 60's and 70's, mostly. Back when you could make cool/practical things by the ingenious use of odds 'n ends found around the house: aerosol can lids, clothespins, felt, etc. I always dug that stuff. I have fond memories of two of my favorites: A paperweight we made in Vacation Bible School made from an old ashtray, a picture of me, some plaster and felt. Neat-o! Then there was my personal favorite, which I would totally use today if I still knew where it was: A recipe card holder constructed from a plastic fork, a hairspray can lid, plaster and fake foliage/flowers. You'd position the fork in the middle of the lid, pour in plaster, decorate with assorted foliage before the plater hardened. Once dried, place the recipe card of choice in the tines of the fork and voilà! Instant recipe card holder! Fun and practical!

Annnyway, enough reminiscing. The point of this blog entry is to talk about the horseshit that passes for "crafting" here on local cable-access television. Oy vey. First off, before I get too far along, I have to admit I sometimes find myself inadvertently watching this shit simply because it is so godawful.

Sewing With Nancy (who always looks like she has a chaw fulla sourballs) aside, my latest crapft show du jour is Gardening With Dotty (these shows don't get too adventurous with the names, do they?). Dotty Woodson to be precise. First off, she looks like Mason Reese with split-ends wearing a Christmas sweater. I just can't take her seriously. Recently her post-Christmas episode aired (weekdays 9:30am on channel 16), where she recycled old Christmas trees into whitetrash eyesores. Splendiferous! I know, you want details:

One was called a "Bottle Tree," which was also highlighted in a small article (titled "TRY THIS NOW"...gah) in The Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper. WTF? Even scarier, she probably got payed for it. Fuckin' scary. The premise is simple: Once you're finished with your Christmas tree, let it lay out in the sun, get really dry, then take all the needles off of it. Place the tree in cement (for planting in your yard later!), trim the limbs (with your "loppers") to various lengths and place colorful, empty bottles on them. Delicious, no? I noticed she was using a lot of Skyy Vodka bottles. Ahem.

The other turdtacular idea also involved the exact same concept, but it was called a "Decoration Tree." Instead of placing bottles on the branches, you placed multiple, MULTIPLE assorted windchimes, bells and suncatchers. Oh my god, it was AWFUL!!! It looked like a dollar store exploded. Shitacular!

So, in closing, here's my point: Friends don't let friends make bad crafts. Do your friends a favor and don't encourage them if you KNOW the shit they're making is craptacular. They could be putting all that time, money and energy to much better use. Don't let them waste it creating future white elephant party fodder.

Be sure and tune in tomorrow for part two of my two-part installment on crafts gone bad: Macaroni Fashion with television's Mary Tyler Moore!


Blogger BEPS said...

That was hilarious! the mason reese line and the skky vodka what a riot! i've seen that sewing lady and i seriously thought she had a stroke or something, totally creeped me out.who watches them anyway? and personally i think there should be a ban on holiday "themed" clothing on anyone over 10yrs.

Monday, February 06, 2006 5:27:00 PM  
Anonymous kris said...

Oh, I am so totally putting this in my scrapbook. With glitter and macaroni. Cooked macaroni.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 10:33:00 AM  
Blogger losita said...

Hah hah! Oh god. I love your made-up words by the way - turdtacular. How lovely.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 7:22:00 PM  
Blogger Kirkkitsch said...

Ha ha! I'm someone knows who the hell Mason Reese is. I always thought he was the grossest little troglodyte. Never ever found him cute 'n adorable. Yech.

And, I think you may be right. I think Sue has had a stroke or something. I dunno for sure. Whenever I see her, I expect her to release a "quack!" outta the side of her mouth.

LMAO, and I totally agree with the holiday-themed clothing rule! Unfortunately, my mother is one of those Texas Jew women (even though we're not even Jewish!). She loves the sparkl-y shit on her outfits. I swear, the last time she came over, after she left, it looked like a fish had been scaled and drug throughout the house (sequins/sparklies).

Don't get me wrong, I love her with all my heart, but her taste in tops (not to mention makeup techniques) leave a lot to be desired. Oh well, some people will never change. I've learned to accept it.

Thanks for commenting! :)

AWESOME! Cooked macaroni makes its own adhesive! Plus, it smells wonderful! Like Glade's newest bathroom freshener: Old Lady Doily! M-m-m-m-m!

Thank you! It's easy, really. I just take whatever derogatory word I like the sound of and merge it with a complimentary term suffix: spectacular, fantastic, etc. It's easy and addictive! ;)

Thanks for commenting! :D

Monday, February 13, 2006 1:36:00 AM  

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