C'mon Get Crappy!

I am not a craft fan. I hate 95% of what some people consider "crafts" these days. Especially people (usually women, but not always) here in Texas. I've seen some fruity guy who claims to be an interior designer, "create" things for the local morning news shows (i.e. flower arrangements from found objects, centerpieces, etc.) and thought to myself "Are you fuckin' kidding me? I've coughed up better looking shit than that! Sans the glitter." And while we're on the topic, glitter does not necessarily make everything "better."

Personally, I love the "old school" crafts of yesteryear. Circa the 60's and 70's, mostly. Back when you could make cool/practical things by the ingenious use of odds 'n ends found around the house: aerosol can lids, clothespins, felt, etc. I always dug that stuff. I have fond memories of two of my favorites: A paperweight we made in Vacation Bible School made from an old ashtray, a picture of me, some plaster and felt. Neat-o! Then there was my personal favorite, which I would totally use today if I still knew where it was: A recipe card holder constructed from a plastic fork, a hairspray can lid, plaster and fake foliage/flowers. You'd position the fork in the middle of the lid, pour in plaster, decorate with assorted foliage before the plater hardened. Once dried, place the recipe card of choice in the tines of the fork and voilà! Instant recipe card holder! Fun and practical!

Annnyway, enough reminiscing. The point of this blog entry is to talk about the horseshit that passes for "crafting" here on local cable-access television. Oy vey. First off, before I get too far along, I have to admit I sometimes find myself inadvertently watching this shit simply because it is so godawful.

Sewing With Nancy (who always looks like she has a chaw fulla sourballs) aside, my latest crapft show du jour is Gardening With Dotty (these shows don't get too adventurous with the names, do they?). Dotty Woodson to be precise. First off, she looks like Mason Reese with split-ends wearing a Christmas sweater. I just can't take her seriously. Recently her post-Christmas episode aired (weekdays 9:30am on channel 16), where she recycled old Christmas trees into whitetrash eyesores. Splendiferous! I know, you want details:

One was called a "Bottle Tree," which was also highlighted in a small article (titled "TRY THIS NOW"...gah) in The Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper. WTF? Even scarier, she probably got payed for it. Fuckin' scary. The premise is simple: Once you're finished with your Christmas tree, let it lay out in the sun, get really dry, then take all the needles off of it. Place the tree in cement (for planting in your yard later!), trim the limbs (with your "loppers") to various lengths and place colorful, empty bottles on them. Delicious, no? I noticed she was using a lot of Skyy Vodka bottles. Ahem.

The other turdtacular idea also involved the exact same concept, but it was called a "Decoration Tree." Instead of placing bottles on the branches, you placed multiple, MULTIPLE assorted windchimes, bells and suncatchers. Oh my god, it was AWFUL!!! It looked like a dollar store exploded. Shitacular!

So, in closing, here's my point: Friends don't let friends make bad crafts. Do your friends a favor and don't encourage them if you KNOW the shit they're making is craptacular. They could be putting all that time, money and energy to much better use. Don't let them waste it creating future white elephant party fodder.

Be sure and tune in tomorrow for part two of my two-part installment on crafts gone bad: Macaroni Fashion with television's Mary Tyler Moore!