Fog Log (That Ain't Mud On Your Shoes!)

I told myself I wasn't going to see this movie, but there I was at the video store and the New Release wall was devoid of any new horror, so I did the unconscionable: I rented the remake of John Carpenter's The Fog.

First off, before I get too far into this rant, I have to say that I love the original version of The Fog. It's actually my favorite Carpenter film, though most prefer Halloween or The Thing. However, just because I love the original, I wasn't completely opposed to giving the remake a chance...if anything about it appealed to me. For example, when Gus Van Sant did a frame for frame/word for word remake of Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho, everyone was all freakin' out because he was remaking a classic. I loved the original too and didn't expect cinemagic to strike twice, but I was willing to give it a chance because the film had a great look, I loved the original and I liked the casting. Besides, at that point remakes hadn't completely started blowing America's cock for buffalo nickels. Anyway, my point is I'm one of the few people who actually liked the Psycho remake. Of course it can't touch the original, but I enjoyed it on its own merits and style.

So, along with the blasphemous remakes of The Stepford Wives, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and most recently, When a Stranger Calls (horrible movie poster art, btw), I was determined not to watch The Fog remake. For two main reasons: I hated the casting and I hated that the fog itself was gonna get the CGI treatment. I fuckin' HATE CGI. I think it's one of the biggest bullshit cop outs associated with the so-called "special effects" industry today. Yeah yeah, I know times change and I'm no technophobe, however, when you stop creating actual physical models of creatures, people, etc. and just throw everything up against a green screen and type some coordinates into the computer, I think that's crap. Especially, when it can be accomplished with good old-fashioned special effects craftsmanship. And that's what special effects used to be: an art. Now it's just some goober with a ponytail who got moist over The Matrix one too many times and derfed around until he got his foot in the door. To that I say "whatever."

Instead of boring you with the endless deconstruction of scene after scene after scene, I'll just bullet point why I hated this movie:

• I think the guy (Tom Welling) who plays Clark Kent on the WB's Smallville looks weird (though, I do like Smallville in small doses...no pun intended). There's just something about his face that bugs the shit outta me. It's like he's always in S&M-mode (Stand & Model). Sure, he has a decent bod, but the face and the horrible acting aren't winning any points with me. I knew I was gonna hate him in the role originated by Tom Atkins, when I saw him pass off some 'sweet' Abercrombie & Fitch-style wardrobe as "everyman" clothes. The cable knit sweater with the HUGE turtleneck sealed his fate. Stick to the aptly-named boob tube, Super Dud.

• I used to like Selma Blair, but after seeing her royally fuck up the once groovy role of sultry radio DJ, Stevie Wayne (originally played to much better effect and plausibility by Adrienne Barbeau), I can no longer respect her. At all. She totally doesn't have a radio voice, doesn't look old enough to be portraying the mother of a 12 year old and tried waaaaaaay too hard to be AWESOME! Whatever. Retire the tube of black eyeliner, Selma Blah.

• The painfully obvious injection of urban "flava." What-ever. I don't have a problem with black actors in films or anything outdated like that, but I do have a problem when filmmaker's deliberately try to add some "color" to a movie. Especially a horror movie. If you've seen any mainstream horror movies in the last 10 years, you know what I'm talking about. The black characters are always the tell-it-like-it-is, sassy, too cool for school character who either gets killed or saves the day while managing to say something totally hilarious. Again, whatever.

• The entire movie was just too "This is a movie for the eXtreme, techno-savvy generation!! Wooooo! eXtreeeeeeeeeeeeeeme!!" I fuckin' hate that shit. If it wasn't a completely pointless cell phone scene,iPod, some eXtreme tunes, or the director's personal ode to Girls Gone Wild, it was some bullshit plot point involving a handheld video camera or flat screen computer. Yeah, We fuckin ' GET IT, already!!! You have the technology and know how to use it! Wooo hooo! Now go snowboard off a fuckin' cliff while wearin' your faux vintage iron-on T, suckin' back a Mountain Dew energy drink and sticking out your pierced tongue. SwEet!

• The actors were horrible. From the textbook 'drunk' drama queen preacher (originally Hal Holbrook's role), to the misunderstood, rebellious blonde chick (Maggie Grace) who tore herself away from watching an episode of One Tree Hill long enough to apply a fresh coat of lipgloss and accessorize with a 'kicky' scarf. Not to mention Super Dud perpetually in super-manly heartthrob-defender-mode. Examples of some of the breakthrough performances:
- The fagtacular recoil of "shock" Super Dud awkwardly fumbles through once he realizes that the girl he's just picked up on a dark, country road is actually his old flame. Stale!
- Selma Blair literally says the word "ugh." I'm not kidding. It's a sound reaction, not fuckin' literal! Geeezus Christ! That's the equivalent of, let's say one of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park running up to a vehicle full of terrified passengers and literally going "ROAR!" Retards!

• The horribly unnecessary additions and alterations to the original film. For instance, in the remake there's a scene where some old, gnarled seafaring character keeps discovering various things washing up on shore. Of course they're all treasures of yesteryear from the doomed ship full of lepers (if you don't know what I'm talking about, rent the original and find out). And it doesn't stop there. He doesn't just find ONE thing, he finds tons of stuff. It's like some goddamn ghostly slot machine; everyone's a winner! There is an actual scene where he's walking on the beach as the tide washes in and he looks behind him and there's an entire fucking dining room table and chairs 'magically' set up on the beach, complete with chandelier, half buried in the wet sand nearby. How music video is that shit? I swear to God they had a completely identical scene in an episode of The O.C.!! That's when you know (if you didn't already pick up on it when Gen Z's answer to Stevie Wayne is gyrating to some super-awesome electronica music in her kickass lighthouse, decorated a la Spencer's gifts) that at the helm of this "re-imagining" is someone who got their feet wet directing music videos. Awful!

• The exposition (backstory) in this movie is handled so ham-handedly that you'll swear you smell porkchops. For instance, the completely retarded (and pointless) drive-by that Super Dud makes early on in the movie, to let the audience know that he's a ruggedly-handsome rebel...with an ancestral tie to the plot. But then everyone (sans the black guy, natch) has some kind of connection to the fuckin' undead pirates.

• And last but not least, hands down, one of the worst things about the movie: the shitball CGI "special effects." I'm sorry, but when movies get to the point where simple things like fuckin' car WINDOWS are being CGI'd, I officially throw my hands up. Not to mention the fact that the goddamn fog is no longer a character, but a "sweet-ass" effect, complete with "spooky" faces and shadow-y figures that zip by in super-awesome eXtreme-mode. AWESOME! ::plays air guitar::

So, in closing, avoid this shitbag movie like it was the fuckin' plague (pun intended), unless you're jonesin' for a kickass soundtrack, shitball casting and some sweet-ass CGI. eXtreme!!! Woo hoo!

*Click the image of the "New & Improved" eXtreme version of The Fog movie poster, to see an actual review written by a mongtard over at Amazon.com...and my subsequent rebuttal.