The Fossil Files

This weekend I received a really great coupon via a local DVD place's circular: trade in 5 used DVDs, get $50 in store credit. They ran the same coupon during Thanksgiving and I made out like a bandit! So, imagine what I could do with TWO coupons! To do this, it meant I had to call Ms. Fossil and ask for her coupon. Hating anything not directly connected to PBS and/or televangelists, I knew I could count on her coupon, but I had to act fast.

So, I go over, get the circular/coupon, and naturally she begins to complain about SOMETHING. This time it was the reception on her TV set and it's location. She didn't like it where it was and wanted to move it, but she couldn't, 'cause she's so fragile (hint hint ). Naturally, I offered to do it for her (big mistake), but she wasn't sure where she wanted to move it just yet. I suggested various places, all of which were not good ideas. Naturally. So, before it was over with, she asked me to sit down, so I did, and we talked for a while.

On the one hand, I didn't have anything better to do, so I didn't mind sitting down and talking with her for a while. But then on the other hand, it was Ms. Fossil. Whaddya gonna do? So we talked about various things, some of which included:

[1] How she doesn't trust the people who live in the house down the street. The ones with the pickup in their driveway that she never sees coming or going. It must be drugs.

[2] How she's wrangled one of her daughters to come fill her car with gas, "'cause the new gas pumps are so complicated", what with their credit card-swiping technology and all. I told her she could just go inside and pay that way, but she claims "that's too much 'work' and besides she has sore feet, back, _______ <----{insert body part here}, hurts too much." So delicate, yet not feeble enough to stop her from DRIVING, going to luncheons or roaming around the yard 24 hours a day. Gee, it's a Christmas miracle.

[3] How her other daughter, who lives 45 minutes away, has to come pick her up, take her to her house (the daughter's) and then back to her house (Ms. Fossil's) anytime they want her to come over, 'cause Ms. Fossil's "afraid she'll get lost" trying to find her daughter's house. Gee, you'll never know if you don't try. So, because she's afraid to use a map, her daughter's out 3 hours of her life. I told her "If it were me, you'd stay home a lot." *For the record, I don't edit my conversations with Ms. Fossil. I talk to her like I would anyone else I know. She's an adult (physcially), so I'm sure she can handle it. If not, that's not my problem.

[4] I was surprised to find out she was not a Dubyah fan, esp. considering what a religious nut she is, and the fact that she's old and lives in Texas: The three defining characteristics of 90% of the Republicans in Texas. It cracked me up to see her get all flustered just talking about how stupid he looks. I was happy to hear I wasn't the only one who was depressed for a week, at the outcome of the election.

[5] She asked my advice as to what she should get the mailman for Xmas. I suggested a flammable uniform and a lighted match. She was not amused. She went on and on about how wonderfully kind he was, always putting her mail in the mailbox by size and holding her mail when she was going to be gone, etc. Truth be told, he's probably so "nice" because she haunts the goddamn mailbox like a fuckin' geriatric vulture. One false move and I'm sure she has some insight for him on how he can do his job better. He's probably just too nice to tell her 'Get bent, Frosty.

I asked her if it was the same mailman who delivers my mail, 'cause that asshole can barely put the shit in my box. The lid's always half open, like he's in such a big hurry he doesn't have time to make sure it's entirely in the box. I told her in the past I'd given movie gift certificates to the GOOD mail carriers, and one time a thermos, but that'd been my only experiences with gift-giving. She thought a scarf and some homemade candied tuna fish balls would be nice. Okay, she didn't really say tuna fish balls, but knowing her it'll be some form of culinary disaster concocted out of leftovers.

Well, that's about it, really. There was one more topic we discussed, which pissed me off so much, I'm saving it for a future post. A topic not for the easily offended and/or the Geritol generation. You've been warned.

*For those not familiar with my previous adventures with Ms. Fossil, check out these posts:
• If A Tree Falls On An Old Lady Does It Make A Sound?
• Tree Trauma Trun 'k' ated
• With Bitch You Get Eggroll
• It's Official. I'm The Family Dog.