The Trials and Tribulations of Ordering a Sandwich

Following in the footsteps of blog topic pioneer, Scheiss Weekly, who blogged (Nov. 9) about self-appointed special people with special orders at fast food places, here's my view on the matter.

An open letter to people who patronize fast food restaurants:

First off, I realize that at a place like Subway one of the main attractions about getting a sandwich there is the fact that you can tell them what you want (or don't want) on your sandwich according to your individual tastes. That's groovy. Personally, I don't like tomatoes. However, ordering a goddamn sandwich shouldn't rival learning to conjugate Japanese verbs. In other words, Keep It Simple, Stupid (AKA: KISS).

First off, you're not at Tavern On The Green, so don't let the options blow your mind. You're ordering a sandwich, not disarming a time bomb. Pick a bread, pick a meat, pick your toppings, then pick up your happy-ass and take it to the register. In other words, move on and let the next person order their food. Oh, and here's a concept: know what the fuck it is you want, before you get in line! If you can't decide, feel free to stand back and evaluate the menu. It's okay. Trust me, they're not gonna pull the feedbag away before you get there. There's plenty for everyone.

In addition, don't change your mind midway through the choice of toppings process. And if you do, keep it to a minimum. It's a sandwich, not Sophie's Choice. If you change you're mind, you can always pick it off later. And don't get all bent out of shape if the server didn't hear you mumble that you wanted it toasted. Take a deep breath. It'll be alright.

And last, but not least, don't go somewhere you don't have time for and expect them to jump through hoops because you can't manage your fuckin' time, okay Speed Racer? If you're in that big of a hurry, then you shouldn't be out in a public place at lunchtime. Save yourself and the employees who are getting paid minimum wage to deal with your ignorant ass, some grief, pack a lunch.

There you have it. The accompanying picture is some jackass who I, and 6 other people, got stuck behind at Subway recently. She didn't like waiting in line. She didn't like the choice of toppings. She didn't like having to wait, period. People like this really piss me off. Waiting's a part of life, get used to it or die, bitch. It reminds me of one of my favorite sayings: "Being patient isn't waiting, it's how you act while you're waiting."