It's Official. I'm the Family Dog.

You know that inscription on the Statue of Liberty that says "Give Me Your Tired, Poor and Huddled Masses..." Well, apparently my next door neighbor has rewritten it as "Give Me Your Leftovers, Rotten and Freezer Burned Food..."

I swear to God she's like the geriatric Martha Stewart. I like to think she means well, but I'm starting to think she just hates to throw anything away and has found her salvation in me.

I've tried not answering the phone when she calls, but she comes over anyway, soggy paper plate in hand. I tried dropping "hints" while talking to her that "sometimes I'm home, but just don't answer the phone if I'm busy." It's not working. In the last 3 months I've received tablespoon-size portions (i.e. leftover-size portions) of: "quiche" (quiche should never have the consistency of snot and/or include anchovies), "Mexican casserole" (Mmmmm! Do I detect squash? SQUASH, people, SQUASH!), green beans, like she won the lottery and was paid in green beans, chocolate cake ("someone left at her house"), and so many more than I have forgotten and/or tried to purge the memories of. As you can see, I've even gone so far as to document today's bountiful harvest, just in case you don't believe me.

Today it was turkey tetrazzini, green beans (natch) and cranberry "sauce." She wanted to bring over some pecan pie and chili, but I told her I didn't like pecan pie (which is true) and that I had just starting making some chili just now (well, chili dogs count as chili, right?). I mentioned that I'd just made tuna tetrazzini a few days ago (which is true), hoping to dissuade her, but it was to no avail. When she arrived she had also brought me a generic can of unopened tuna, really selling me on the idea by saying "Here, this is for you. I don't like this tuna. It's bad. Too fishy tasting." Yummy! I'm sold! Do you have any used toilet paper I can recycle for ya? In the spirit of the season I'd love to serve her up some of the goddamn freezer burned eggrolls she so generously gave me 3 months ago. If only I hadn't taken them to the local Women's Shelter.