If A Tree Falls On An Old Lady, Does It Make A Sound?

Okay, here's the situation. I live in a neighborhood that has LOTS of big, old trees. My backyard has about 5 BIG trees. I make a concerted effort to keep my yard up to par, even though my philosophy is "I'm not Tarzan, I don't live outside. Who really cares?" But since the people on either side of me have the same yard men who take care of their yards, I keep things looking neat.

Well, apparently my leaves have become a source of contempt for the withered ol' Sea Monkey who lives next door. For the sake of this post, let's refer to her as "Ms. Fossil." Ms. Fossil has a history of being obsessed by the misc. leaves that enter her yard via natural causes, like wind and autumn. She's even been so kind as to inform me that she intends on planting a hedge between our two houses, in hopes of putting an end to this dark evil. "Not because of your leaves," she tells me, but because of "the neighborhood's leaves that blow into her yard." The hedge has yet to be planted, primarily because she's a tightwad.

So, about 2 weeks ago I get a phone call from her. She opens the conversation with "This is Ms. Fossil. Have you eaten yet?" So, since we have exchanged misc. food over the years, I think to myself "Oh. She made a tablespoon too much of something and wants to bring it over." (What is it with old people and portions, anyway? Just an observation.) So I tell her no, that I'm actually about to head out to go eat lunch. She then goes on to tell me she has "bad news." According to her, the tree in my backyard has got to be cut down. My first thought is "Oh. It's diseased." Then she chimes in with how there are life-threatening dead branches falling from my tree into her yard, near her storage house and how it's not something I will be able to take care of myself, but instead, a job for a "professional." First off, this is not the first time she's pulled this routine. I've personally removed dead branches once before, and in my defense, they were not bone-crushingly huge, nor were they plentiful. I'm prepared to accept responsibility for my tree, but let's leave the drama to the thespians, okay?. My first reaction is she's been huffing Pledge too long, if she thinks I am cutting down a huge tree in my yard because she has nothing better to do with her time, but keep a running tab on how many leaves/branches fall on her property. BUT I will look into getting the branches removed.

She then goes on to tell me how she was initially going to write a letter to my parents about the problem, but thought she would call me first. I told her "Well, that's good, since I'm the one who actually lives here." *She's notorious for flagging my parents down when they visit and regaling them with tales of woe. And because they are from the generation that thinks all the elderly automatically deserve our respect (I'm from the school of "Respect is earned. Not a birthright"), they fall for her frail old lady routine, and I come out looking like the irrational asshole. DJ Jazzy Jeff was right, parents just don't understand.

Anyway, I tell her that I will work on getting some estimates and get it taken care of ASAP. She then goes on to explain that the reason she asked if I'd eaten yet, was because that was some old proverb referring to "Never give a man bad news on an empty stomach." I say "neat" and she pulls a Foghorn Leghorn on me and says "It's a joke, son." I say "Okay. Was that all?," she says yes and we go on to lead separate lives, just like Phil Collins always wanted.

In the meantime, I get out the ol' phonebook and write down the names and numbers of all the tree trimming services that offer free estimates and are insured and certified. I start calling them, one by one, to make appointments. The first 3, no answer. The 4th one answers and I make an appt. Fifth and 6th are answering machines. Seventh recommends someone else (what's THAT about?) and the 8th one is booked for a month. Made appt. with the 9th one. So, even though I don't want to, I call Ms. Fossil and let her know that I am working on remedying the problem, HOWEVER it may take 3-4 weeks for some of them to come out and give me an estimate, due to extensive workloads, because of the recent storms. She's says "That's fine. I'm not in any hurry as long as it gets done." To which, I politely say "Bite me" (okay, not really), and we end the conversation.

So, the first guy comes out the same week that I called, and wants $275 for both the trimming and the carrying away (I have some piles of branches/brush). Two weeks pass. I'm on the way to my car to run some errands and what do I see out the corner of my eye, but Ms. Fossil shuffling towards me. She says "What have you heard about the tree?" I tell her I'm waiting on some estimates. She says "What?" (She has selective hearing too. Precious.) I repeat what I said and she then goes on to tell me how it's still dropping dead branches and how her yard man is getting older (yeah, 24's a real turning point in the annals of health) and can't keep bending to pick them all up and how my tree drops lots of leaves, etc. etc. I reassure her that it's being taken care of, but she won't let up, instead opting to continue repeating what she's already said. I start to make a mental check list in my head of anything I might be forgetting, before I leave: Car keys? check. Driver's License? check. Check book? check. Grocery list? check. Cell phone? check. Did I lock the door? check. I snap out of it when a car drives by and honks (I live near a busy street) and she's in the middle of her oral report on the life-altering effects of leaves. I shortly, but sweetly, tell her "Trees have leaves and there's lots of trees in our neighborhood. I'll have the tree trimmers pick up any and all dead branches that my tree has dropped. I'm working on getting it taken care of." She's still on autopilot, so I say "byyye."

Estimate #2 came out today, after a 20 minute phone call with someone who's first language was apparently NOT English. Five of those minutes were spent dealing with actual business, the rest were filled with me repeating, spelling and sounding out my name, address, phone number and directions. Just when I thought I was gonna have to resort to semaphore flags, he correctly repeats my information and schedules a time. He'll be here between 3:30 and 4:30. Fine.

Four o'clock rolls around and I get a phone call. He's lost, and driving with the cell phone (double yikes), supposedly nearby. He quadruple checks the address and directions and says he should be here shortly. Fast forward 30 minutes. He's still lost. I'm close to the point of not caring, when he mentions a nearby landmark (a mere 3 minutes away). Eureka! We've made contact! Jesus Christ. So now he's REALLY on his way and will be here shortly. Half an hour later, he shows up. He gives me an estimate that's roughly $200 higher than my first estimate. I smile and say "Thanks for coming out. Bye bye." He drives away. So, we have just one more estimate to go. According to him, he'll "probably" be here Friday or Saturday, or if not, Sunday. I'm on the edge of my seat! Stay tuned!

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. ~Jack Handey