If Lovin' Puppets is Wrong, I Don't Wanna be Right

God help me. I just lusted after a puppet. Yes, it's sad, but true. Being the lazy person I am, I never remember/make the effort to label my VHS tapes when I record something, so therefore each time I pop one in the ol' VCR, it's like playing the lottery. Sometimes I "win" and either have enough tape to record something OR the something that's already on the tape is something good. But I digress. I popped in a tape yesterday and it had an episode of Crank Yankers on it, in which one diabolical puppet continues to prank call a woman named Lois Lane, grilling her as to the whereabouts of Superman. As the skit comes to an end, a shirtless, yet be-caped {?} puppet of Superman sits up in bed. My first thoughts: Yowsa! Nice pecs! "Nice pecs." SIGH. Sad, isn't it?

While we're on the subject of lust, Sixteen Candles was on AMC last night. Michael Schoefling is the epitome of beautiful, be it by 80's standards or any other. I could relate to Molly Ringwald's character: "The Donger's here 5 hours and he's got somebody, I live here my whole life and I'm like a disease." That's me. I've had friends over the years who have had THE worst taste in men, stayed in dysfunctional/abusive relationships and/or fucked everything under the sun with absolutely no consequences. Yet, I can't find someone to talk to who doesn't hover 4 inches off the ground or isn't a fuckmonster. What's up with that? I'm a good person. I have my merits. I'm trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean. Well, okay...maybe not cheerful, but still, surely I'm a viable option over some of the people I've seen coupled up and making out in the lines at Six Flags. Perhaps if I actually interacted with people or went where they gather. That may be the key. On second thought, that involves a lot of effort on my part: smiling, feigning interest, disposable income. Eh, I'm not so sure now. As jaded as it may sound, I think I want a "boyfriend" like I want a pet; when I'm bored, sad or lonely. What a great basis for a relationship, huh? Maybe that's it, maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe I need to lower my standards. Damn me and my craving for human contact!

Sometimes when I get like this, I'll go browse through the local online personals over at Yahoo! or one of the other handful of personals sites that I have forgotten I signed up with. I even get e-mail "updates" of my latest matches from places I don't even remember signing up with to begin with. But, as depressing as my lack of social life can be sometimes, the most depressing thing is coming across the pictures of people who ARE dating or who ARE in relationships. You know, those couples I refer to as the "Scooby-Doo Mystery" couples. See that trio of pictures above? You know what those people have in common? No, not inbreeding. They're all in relationships. Yeah, you heard me; Pippi, Short Round and the Incredibly Gay Crow all have dates on weekends and major holidays. Go figure.