Release the Flying Monkeys!

For as long as I've been blogging I've been aware of what I like to refer to as Nature's Nytol: The Mommy Blog. And also as far back as I can remember, someone was arguing about them, defending them, and/or getting offended by the mere suggestion of the label. Like the old saying goes: Hate the mommy, not the blog. Oh wait, maybe that's not an old saying. Maybe I just made that up. Oh well, either way, here's my stance, in a nutshell, to start off this blog about all things Mommy.

I don't like 98% of Mommy Blogs, under whatever guise(s) they chooses to refer to themselves as. A Mommy Blog is a Mommy Blog is a Mommy Blog. Put another way, if the blog is overly vagtastic, my interest plummets. And if you have to ask what that means, I'll clarify. I deem a blog vagtastic when it consistently contains 1 or more of the items below:

1) Your child/children's photo has been incorporated into your blog template.
2) Your child is your profile photo (this says so much on so many levels)
3) One or more photos of your child/children can be found on the first page of your blog, in your archives and/or in your sidebar.
4) Your blog entries regularly delve into well-worn territory about diaper changes, eating without utensils, the baby's first ice cream/snow and/or solid bowel movement. I hate to break this to you, but Erma Bombeck (who I love, BTW) has beat you to it...and is better at it.
5) Your template has multiples of animated sparkles, pixie-ish/waif-ish Bratz-type anime, flowers, teddy bears, faeries, women encased in wispy fabric, hearts, sand dunes, everything short of a tampon string (Think Lisa Frank with a pad strapped to her head...and I don't mean memo).
6) Memes out the ass, adorably-generic lists about chocolate, goddesses, etc.
7) Posts about finding their "spirit," self-discovery and/or assorted rehashed Oprahlicious-type fodder.

Now this isn't necessarily to say that I don't like the person writing the blog, I'm just saying I find the subject matter uninspired. I have never been a fan of babies and/or children. There is no magic there. Quite simply, I find them undisciplined and insufferable. Sure, there's the rare exception, but they are few and far between (and naturally, every parent thinks their child is the exception, and I think we both know that's usually not the case). As I've mentioned before, I actually prefer the more mature mommie's blogs, whose children have grown up and left home. I find their (re: mature mommies) brand of blogging much more palatable. They have a wisdom to offer that I find considerably lacking in the typical Mommy Blog's supposed "anecdotes."

As I've mentioned to people before, I find it surprising just how many women have said they find the Mommy Blog label "offensive." Why's that? Oh, because they are "so much more" than just a Mommy. Well, if that's true, where are all the posts not about their children? I don't seem to be finding those. But wait, here's a picture of little Bicardi, with a sucker in her hair, sitting inside an empty TV box holding the cat...again. Gee. My point is, don't use motherhood as an excuse not to talk about things other than your child. Put simply, it's a choice. No one put a gun to your head, like you were the Golden Goose and said "Replicate!" (and if they did, I'm truly sorry). You made the conscious effort to have that child/children, so don't act all surprised when you find out it cuts down on your "Me Time." Don't be surprised when you lose touch with your single friends because you've ceased to have a life outside of your child. And don't be dismayed when people find Mommy blogs mundane.

It's a given that all parents think their child is some kind of gifted prodigy. Yeah, you know what? My mommy thinks I'm the most talented, smartest, nicest, cynical, blasphemous, 30-something faggot with high cholesterol on the planet. Isn't that just precious? Would you like that in wallet size? What I'm saying is, short of your immediate family, cowed employees under your husband's tutelage and cornered strangers whose teeth aren't sharp enough to gnaw off their own foot, your opinion of your child is pretty much just that: Your opinion. So, don't take it so personally, when someone yawns or their eyes glaze over during yet another "impromptu" photofest at their expense. Believe it or not, not everyone cares what little Dodge Stratta did the other day or wishes to see the documentation and/or a re-enactment.

So, the next time you find yourself feeling "sorry" for someone that openly admits to not liking children and/or family (or Mommy Blogs, for that matter), ask yourself why a conflicting opinion is making you feel threatened. 'Cause, let's face it, that's what it is to you; a threat. Believe it or not, not everyone wants to skeet a fetus outta their uterus. Not all women feel the need to be "completed" by getting married, having a baby or even finding a man. In a time when not jumping on the family bandwagon is highly frowned upon and perceived as some kind of deviation, I commend those people that aren't afraid to give their honest opinion, take responsibility for their choices and/or maintain their individuality, whether they are a parent or not. When all is said and done, it all boils down to this: If you don't like it, don't look at it...associate with it...read it...eat it...believe in it...buy it...like it. In short: It's all about choices.