"I Saw a Mountain Lion."

And thus began my descent into Hell. If you're a regular reader you already know two things about me 1) I am in the process of "exercising" lately by walking at a nearby park and 2) I am a magnet for squirrels, and I don't mean the fluffy-tailed variety.

So, there I am on the last leg of my morning walk as I reach my turning point towards the end of the trail. Listening to my Walkman as I approach, I see a woman coming around the bend, nod hello, turn and start heading back. Before I realize it, she's caught up with me, keeping pace with me, side by side. I look over and see the lovechild of Sandy Duncan and a stick of beef jerky, wearing a Simplicity 1 Hour Dress. I flash a quick "hi/bye"-smile and that's when I notice she's talking to me. Assuming she's the atypical person I pass on a regular basis, I respond with an automatic "good morning," keep my earplugs in, and continue with my walk. But nooo. She's so much more.

I take out my ear plugs to hear what she's saying to me and she looks at me with her good eye (one was darting off in another direction...no doubt trying to escape the impending insanity) and says in a drawn-out, twang-y voice: "I saw a mountain lion." Alternating inside my head are the "cuckoo" sound along with "I tawt I taw a puddy tat," while images from the Disney movie Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion float through my psyche. But I respond with: "Really? Scary!" Determined to breeze by this nutcluster unscathed, I pick up my pace and go to put my earplugs back in. Alas, it was not meant to be.

Here's the dialogue that ensued: (*Note: For the remainder of this post, I will be referring to her as Leatherface)

Leatherface: Uh huh. I got down on my knees and prayed, 'cause I come here every morning and pray, for God to help me. And when I opened my eyes I was face to face with the mountain lion. He was just starin' at me.

Me: Yikes.

Leatherface: Yeah. I was so afraid. I prayed to God that he'd save me. And I know it was a mountain lion and not a bobcat because bobcat's have those little short tails and this was a mountain lion because he had a real long tail.

Me: Wow. Mountain lions are bad.

Leatherface: I know. So, I called Park Services and then Channel 5 News sent out a helicopter and they saw him walking through the woods, heading east.

Me: Really. Well, walking is good cardio.

Leatherface: Uh huh. And they told me that he must have been stalking me because he didn't run away. They usually run away, you know, when you approach them. They said he must have been looking for breakfast. I thank God he didn't make me his breakfast.

Me: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Leatherface: Oh I know.

*Then it goes from bad to worse.*

Leatherface: Can I ask you a question?

Me: What's my phone number?

Leatherface: What? No. What do you think it takes to get into the Kingdom of Heaven?

*long pause*

Me: Um...wow. That's a tough one. Let me think. Besides being dead? I dunno. Being a good person, I guess.

Leatherface: Well, The Scripture says that being a good person isn't good enough, that to get into Heaven you have to have F.A.I.T.H.

Me: Like George Michael. *said with a straight face*

Leatherface: What? No. Each of the letters in the word faith stand for something. May I tell you what each letter stands for?

*At this point I'm laughing internally because A) She's not paying attention to a thing I'm saying, so the sky's the limit and B) I can tell by her breathing that she's getting winded keeping up with my brisk pace, but I say to myself "Fuck it. Let her work for it."*

She then goes on to tell me what each letter in the word FAITH stands for. I continue to feign interest all the way back to the parking lot, where I begin to get my keys out and head towards my car. Then she says:

Leatherface: Would you pray with me?

Me: Um no. I don't feel comfortable doing that. Bye, though.

Leatherface: What's your name?

Me: Kirk, but my friends call me The Big Bopper.

Leatherface: Hi Kirk, I'm Thelma. You know, Kirk, if you died today and you haven't accepted Him as your Lord and Saviour that you might not go to Heaven.

Me: That's the breaks. Have a good day.

Leatherface: Before you go, can I give you something?

Me: As long as it's not a kiss.

Leatherface: What? No, I wanted to give you these booklets to read.

Me: Okay.

*she pulls out a trio of mini Cap'n Crunch-sized cereal premium comic book-sized booklets and begins to explain what each of them are*

Me: Oh, I already have that one, but I'll take those two.

Leatherface: *flipping through the one with the cartoon of a baseball player on the cover* This one's funny, it's like a comic book. About a baseball player.

Me: That's hot. Bye.

The End...or is it?