What Would We Do, Baby, Without Us?

Holy Suburban Commando, Batman! I hope you're sitting down. The people at Vh1 are at it again. Bringing us more reality TV that we didn't even know we wanted (not to mention, didn't ask for). First came The Surreal Life, Celebrity Fit Club, Strip Search, and the short-lived Celebrity Colonoscopy. That was all just a warm up for their new show Hogan Knows Best. Can you smell what the Hulkster is cookin'? (Don't worry, it's just Malt-O-Meal) Here's a synopsis of the new show:

Hulk Hogan's not only the world's most famous wrestler - he's also a very traditional suburban dad who just so happens to live on a 20,000-square-foot estate in Clearwater, Florida. Daughter Brooke (16) wants to be a pop star, and son Nick (14) wants to be a race car driver. As Hulk and his wife Linda watch their kids grow up before their eyes, they're more committed than ever to protecting them from sex, drugs, and the other evils of modern life. Watch as Hulk wrestles with the everyday struggles of Brooke, Nick, and Linda -- and also celebrates their triumphs. Somehow, he and Linda have tapped into the secrets of good parenting. So don't mess with the Hulkster - or his family. Grrrr!

Aye carumba. And there's more. My eyes had the displeasure of browsing through the assorted photo galleries located on the site (click the Vh1 hyperlink above...if you dare!) and I gotta tell you, you must check out the shitbomb pictures of the interior of their home. Yeah, yeah, they have they obligatory big screen/flat panel TV that seems to be the extension of every American male's dick these days. And yes, I'll admit the pool area does look cool. BUT, what is WITH the kitchen (decorated a la Charles in Charge, circa 1984), their country-crafty boudoir and the plethera of godawaful silk plants? Their home is my worst nightmare. It just goes to show you, you can't buy good taste. Oh sure, you can pay for someone else to give you the illusion of good taste, but you can't actually buy the innate skill.

And don't even get me started on his daughter, Brooke. Just looking at her, I can tell she's destined to stay in the ol' "family biz." Which, I'm sure will come as a shock to her, seeing as how she has her hopes set on Daddy's networking skills transforming her into the next Pop singing sensation. Do I doubt she'll ever cut an album? Heck no, I'm not saying that. I'm just sayin' it'll have the WWF logo on it somewhere and sit somewhere collecting dust alongside the Hulkster's "albums" Hulk Rules, Pile Driver and his hit single Real American (complete with pecalicious music video!). Put the cookie cutter back in the drawer.

With all that said, I'll admit I have to tune in tomorrow, when the show premieres (check local listings for time and channel). Judging from the gallery alone, this is one televised whitetrash nightmare I can't afford to miss! Thank goodness it doesn't conflict with my Blue Collar TV watchin'. Hyuk! I'm going to go vomit now.