Tooth or Consequences

I get bags of mail. I get e-mails. All from my legions of fans who want to know "Hey, what's up? How's your quality of life?" Okay, okay I'm lying. I don't really get letters and/or e-mails. Well, I DO get mail, but it's usually marked 'occupant' or 'final notice,' but that's neither here nor there. It's really just my way of justifying this otherwise mundane post. I apologize in advance.

First off, I recently participated in a random survey conducted over the phone (I told you I have no life). After answering a bunch of questions about my television, music, Internet, dining habits, I was told that they would be sending me compensation for my time as well as a packet to fill out and return. They thanked me and 3 days later I received my packet. It contained a S.A.T.-sized booklet, 1 week TV diary and a letter with $7 glued to it. How cool is that?

Secondly, I ordered something from television. The OneSweep. According to the infomercial as well as the web site, the OneSweep "is tough enough to clean ceramic tile, even concrete, without wearing down. And, OneSweep’s bristles are also soft enough for wood floors." What I was most impressed with though (and what spurred me to purchase it) was the fact that it was touted as being able to get deep down, where a normal vacuum cleaner can't, and gather all the old dust and hair left behind.

Being the cleaning product whore that I am, I ordered it, it arrived, I quickly assembled it and got to work on one of the 3 large rugs in my home. The one in the living room looks dirty and dingy in front of the area where the couch is. In other words, it's a "high traffic area." The rug has a large geometric pattern of squares within squares, so I did one length of the carpet from top to bottom. And you know what? It really worked! I was so excited (I know, I'm a dork). I've been putting off renting a rug shampooer because they are so cumbersome and expensive. Little did I know that the "dirty" look was because of all the embedded hair/dust! The rug even felt different under my feet.

Being excited about the job it did on the rug, I went to sweep the bathroom, where I have ceramic tile. It also worked really well on the tile, collecting more dust and hair. It's insane! Apparently it conducts static electricity and that in turn helps in collecting the hair, dust particles, etc.

Anyway, I just thought it was cool. If you click on the bar of images of the OneSweep in action, it will show you a close-up of the pile of hair and dust that it collected.

And last (and least), much to my mother's delight, I finally made a dentist appointment and went to get my teeth cleaned. I had no idea that (according to the dental hygienist) my last visit was in 2003!! OMG. I am usually really good about going ever 6 months for a cleaning. And, knock on wood, I normally get a clean bill of dental health, with the exception of the occasional filling. No such luck this time.

According to the dental hygienist, I have the early stages of gum disease and will have to have my gums scraped. Not cleaned, not a a new dental regime, but scraped. Jesus Christ. Shoot me now. Apparently food/bacteria get trapped beneath the gumline, which in turn, inflame the gums and need to be cleaned. The only way to do this apparently is to clean up, beneath the gumline. They do this by rubbing some magic gel (which I already don't trust) on your gums to numb them, then go in with some dental instrument (I don't even wanna think about what it looks like) and scrape the gums. This takes 2 hours. Not 45 minutes. Not one hour. Not an hour and a half, but TWO hours! You don't know how much I am dreading this. For the love of God, BRUSH YOUR TEETH! Go tell it on the mountain. Hallelujah! Amen.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I added a final triptik, which consists of a few photos I took while at the dentist. It's the Cavity Creeps! They make holes in teeth! Ever noticed how the swivel light that hangs over the chair looks an awful lot like those alien spacecrafts in the original War of the Worlds? I keep waiting for it to zap me. And speaking of getting zapped, the last picture is of the front counter, where you pay on the way out. As I was leaving the room where my checkup was conducted, the dental hygienist caught me and said "Here's your goodie bag!" My "goodie bag." For $135 I want to make out with the dentist's son for 15 minutes, no holds barred, and fondle his goodie bag. Okay, not really, but he is a hottie {the son}, though the dad's not bad, for someone who plays golf and whose idea of "getting wild" is probably not turning the lights off while having sex. Geez Louise, no wonder more and more people aren't going to the dentist. And by the way, yes, those are suckers (lollipops, whatever you wanna call them...lollipops always sounded so queer to me)...sugar-free, of course. And the little weirdo ceramic bird contains vitamin C tablets. Dentists.