The Three Faces of Peeve

If you're remotely familiar with my blog, then you know I, as a rule, hate 99.9% of people who use cell phones in public, while driving, etc. And yes, I do own a cellphone, but you know what? I've had it since 2003 and I think I've made maybe 9 calls total. It's just something nice to have in case my transportation gets a flat, begins to stall or otherwise fucks up in general (and believe me, it has). In other words, I'm no hypocrite. I don't talk on my phone every breathing moment of my existence. I can get through an entire trip (with or without traffic) to the grocery store, gas station, post office, video store, lunch, etc., all without feeling compelled to reach out and touch someone. Let the blogging commence.

• See this waste of organs? I wanted to chop his head off and make soup with it, but then I realized the head would be completely devoid of delicious brain matter. He was talking so loud that the woman behind the counter couldn't conduct business. I was directly across the counter from her and I couldn't hear a word she was saying. We went back and forth saying "what?" and "I didn't hear you," for the entire duration of my transaction. Naturally, he was conducting some make-it-or-break-it business deal, because he's just that important.

• And speaking of important, meet Mr. Mover & Shaker. He was so terribly important that he couldn't even take the phone away from his fuckin' ear, in order to buy groceries. Why bother giving the clerk your undivided attention when you can simply grunt, motion, and eyebrow your way through the transaction? How did he even find time to come to the store, pick out his groceries and wrangle them into a shopping cart? I think this may actually be the most hated type of cell phone user, for me.

I see self-involved assholes like this sit through entire lunches at restaurants, regardless if they're with someone or not, and have "important" conversations for the duration of the meal. I am always baffled as to why their lunch date (when they have one) puts up with this bullshit? I've seen women sit and look around the room, grimace and do everything short of breaking out the semaphore flags, and I wonder "why?" Why would you sit there and allow someone to literally ignore you for an entire meal? What's the point of being there together? Why even go through the motions if you're going to be this self-important? THIS is exactly why I wish every public place had cell phone signal blockers. And don't give me that "But, what if it was an emergency?" horseshit, either. When was the last time you overheard an emergency phone call taking place? And no, whether or not "we have milk at home" or "what movie should I rent?" does not constitute an emergency.

• Which brings me to Lola Schizoid here. She was at a small outlet store I went to recently, parked in the middle of an aisle, oblivious to those around her (natch), blowing a gasket because some clothing store neglected to put some clothes on hold for her granddaughter. And when I say blowing a gasket, I mean blowing a gasket. She was furious...and loud...and obnoxious...and would not let up! When I see things like this taking place, I go into a simulated fugue state, where I envision myself grabbing a random loaf of bread and calmly smacking her in the face (hard), sending both her glasses and her cell phone (and possibly a few teeth) rattling to the ground. Then calmly, placing the bread back on the shelf and continuing my shopping. Of course, real life is never as imaginative or as exciting as my imagination and I end up just coming home and blogging about it to get it out of my system. Ah, sweet blog therapy.

So, the thing that really clinched this particular cellphone experience is how ol' Lola went from Hyde back to Jekyll in the sweep of a hand. So, picture it, she's red-faced, bitching, extremely irate, chewing someone's ass out, one minute. Then once she reaches the counter, in a matter of seconds, she did a total 180 and she's all "tra la la la la ." WTF? I swear, you could hear little birdies chirping, a la a scene right outta Snow White. She's all chatty and upbeat and giggly with the clerk. FA-REAK! And here we are labeling people who look suspicious and/or act eccentric as "crazy," meanwhile people like this heffer go unchecked. Man, I don't wanna be around when she snaps.

So, there you have it. My tale of The Idiot, The V.I.P. and The Drama Queen. Stay tuned for future chapters of this ongoing saga. For more information, may I suggest:

• Cellphone Etiquette Guide
• The Ten Commandments of Cellphone Etiquette
• The Buzz on Cellphone Etiquette