HulPRICkamania

Well, I followed through with watching the first (and subsequently my last) episode of Hogan Knows Best, as promised. All I can say is "Wow. What a train wreck." For those who didn't waste their time like I did, here's the basic synopsis of the particular episode I saw:

Hogan has a 14 year old son and a 16 year old daughter. His daughter, Brooke, is invited to Busch Gardens by a friend of their son Nick's, named Adam (What kind of 14 year-old has a 22 year-old friend in college? And Hogan's obsessing over the 6 year age difference, compared to his daughter? Whatever.). Hogan reluctantly allows Brooke to go out on the date with Adam, with the proviso that he meet him before the date.

So Adam shows up to meet Hogan, who's acting like a spoiled turd from the beginning, trying to intimidate Adam by asking him personal questions about his sex life (is he sexually active) to if he's had an AIDS test, all of which is completely irrelevant and none of his fuckin' business. In short, Hogan's a prick who apparently is used to being a bully and throwing his weight around to get his way. I revel in the fact that Adam didn't get rattled by Hogan's ignorant bullying technique and didn't elaborate on any of his answers. Naturally, Hogan labels this as "cocky" and doesn't like him (gee, what a surprise). In other words, when things don't go his way he throws a tantrum and lays blame anywhere but at the true source. What do you know, he is a "Real American."

Naturally, Hogan doesn't trust Adam (or his daughter apparently), so he and Nick go and have a tracking device installed in Brooke's car (unbeknownst to anyone in the family, except Hogan's bootlicking toady, Nick), which he insists that they take on their date as opposed to Adam's car.

Adam arrives, picks up Brooke and they're off after Hogan informs her that she needs to call every hour to keep him posted. Almost immediately after Brooke and Adam leave, Nick conveniently remembers all kinds of negative things about his "friend" Adam, that he magically forgot to mention previously. Such things as:

• Adam has his nipples pierced (this news sends SHOCKWAVES through the Hogan household...Jesus Christ, gimme a break already)

• Adam has liquor in his apartment and pictures from past parties on his fridge.

• And the most horrific bombshell of them of all, Adam took Nick to a gay beach once (which he also conveniently forgot to mention at the time). This news puts Hogan's machismo to the test and he becomes infuriated that Adam not only has taken out his 16 year-old daughter on a "date" but apparently he's also "taken his 14 year-old son out on a date to a gay beach." Oy vey. Can it get any more bigotlicious? Oh yes. It can and it does.

So Brooke and Adam go to Busch Gardens and are then supposed to be on their way home (according to Hogan, who evidently has some SERIOUS mental issues), when Hogan notices, via the newly-installed tracking device that, that they are not on their way home. So, naturally, Hogan calls Brooke AGAIN and checks in. He claims he told her to be back before dark (a convenient lie), though he said earlier that curfew was 8 o'clock. Brooke begs him to let them go get something to eat and he responds with "hurry."

Brooke arrives home where they entire fuckin' family (dogs included) greet them at the goddamn door (what is this, The Beverly Hillbillies?). Brooke and Adam say goodnight and Hogan grunts and mugs some more for the camera before retreating inside.

Fast forward to scenes from next week's episode, which leaves me screaming foul. Apparently at 14 (2 years YOUNGER than Brooke), Nick has a girlfriend (?). WTF is that about? He can have a girlfriend at age 14, but Brooke can't go out on a goddamn simple date? Gimme a break. Typical fuckin' double standard. I mean Brooke's good at kissing daddy's ass, but she'll have to grow a penis and learn to back stab like her little bro, before she can get any equality, apparently.

Like I mentioned earlier, this is the first and LAST time I'll be watching this redneck garbage. If I wanted to see dysfunctional families with issues I'd just as soon read a V.C. Andrews book. I have lost all respect for Hulk Hogan, be it as a human being, personality or pop culture icon. Good riddance to homophobic, conservative whitetrash. Let's hope that Hogan gets a life so that his daughter can have something that resembles one, 'cause at this rate he's priming her to be one resentful adult.