Are Diamonds a Girl's Best Friend?

Okay, I hope you're ready for a bit of a rant, 'cause I have one today. Those with sensitive constitutions may wish to skip today's blog entry and go elsewhere.

I know that certain commercials play in different parts of the country, so chances are you may not have seen the commercial I am about to tear a new asshole. The commercial is for Overstock.com. This commercial is constantly playing in the area of Texas where I live. All my friends have commercials they hate: Derik: Walmart: "goin' to the lake this weekend!"-commercial. Nathan: Toby Keith "I'm a Ford truck man"-commercial. Well, add the Overstock.com commercial to my list of hated commercials. For those of you who may have seen it and are thinking "But Kirk, it's so unassuming, why do you hate it so?" Well, I'll tell you why.

But first, let me give you a brief run down of the commercial: A WASPy, tanned woman goes through various settings (all the settings and their contents are white. She is the only colored thing in the ad), with her saying: "It's all about the clothes!" (she's surrounded by clothes). "Sometimes, it's all about the outdoors" (she's wearing a tennis outfit). "It's all about the office" (she dons "now I'm smart"-specs and a business suit). "It's all about the home" (she swirls around in some faux luxurious surroundings). "It's all about the books (nestled on the couch pretending to read a book)...music...videos (surrounded by CD/DVD cases)" Then finally, she gets to the whole point of the commercial: "Then again, on occasion (this is where I roll my eyes), sometimes it's all about the GOLD," as she hugs her bare shoulder and turns toward the camera wearing a necklace with a big-ass "O" (for Overstock.com) pendant on it. This is the part where I mock her voice and say "Then again, on occasion, sometimes it's all about whoring yourself out for some trinkets." It's commercials like this that fill me with even more contempt for the archetype that has become the American way of life.

And this is why I hate this commercial. My question is, what the fuck is it about jewelry that makes women's panties moist? It seems SO superficial to me. Now I'm not sayin' I don't like material possessions as much as the next person, or that I'm somehow above being materialistic. What I want to know is, why is jewelry so ingrained in a woman's psyche, that it will dictate whether or not she feels loved, appreciated, worthy, rewarded, compensated, etc.? Are you telling me a woman's fuckin' sense of self-worth hangs in the balance of whether or not she owns a goddamn diamond ring? Jewelry serves absolutely no practical purpose: You can't eat it. You can't wear it all at one time (don't tell Mr. T I said that). It's not going to make you a better person. Personally, when I see some woman wearing a lot of jewelry, my first thought is "I wonder how fucked up her life is?" Call me a cynic (please), but I guess I'm just not impressed easily.

Yet, every Christmas, Valentine's, New Year's, like clockwork, we get bombarded with images of giddy women who receive jewelry. Implying that the giver consider himself laid. Maybe that's the answer. Is jewelry just payment in advance for services rendered? A going-down payment, if you will. Is jewelry unspoken par for the course? Why are we led to believe jewelry is the ultimate gift a woman can get? That's not to say that jewelry is completely out of the question, Lord knows my father gave my mother enough of it over the years. And you know where that jewelry is now? Collecting dust in the bottom of some dresser drawer or hidden away in a safe deposit box somewhere, waiting for a "special occasion." Oh the glamour!