Realm of the Ridiculous

The new phone books, or as I like to call them, "paper mache," arrived on my front porch the other day. I don't know about where you live, but here, when new phone books come out, someone puts them on your doorstep in a big bag. I rarely use them simply because they are fuckin' HUGE. Besides, being situated between Fort Worth and Dallas, we get both those cities' phone books (white and yellow pages), PLUS the ones for here in Arlington! So, I sat the bag inside the living room, near the door and forgot about it.

Later that evening I'm watching Session 9 (great, creepy movie) on the BRAVO channel and I hear a noise but I can't tell where it's coming from, so I mute the TV. The noise has stopped. I shrug it off as letting my imagination run away with me because of the creepy movie and turn the sound back on. A few minutes pass and I hear it again. It's the plastic bag with the phone books in it propped up against the wall. I assume it's slipping down the wall, so I go to pick up the bag, preparing to toss it out in the garage (AKA No Man's Land). As I put my hand through the handles in the bag, a fuckin' lizard pops out and runs up my arm! I FREAK out. Talk about Wet Willy™ gone wild!

I just saw a commercial for the U.S. Army. It shows some guy in his 40's pull up to a group of emo teens hanging out on the sidewalk downtown, talking. As the guy pulls over to the group of guys, one of them walks over to the car and the driver rolls down the window and says something to the teen about not knowing how to operate the car radio. The kid reaches in and pushes a few buttons with a quick explanation. The commercial cuts away and shows some goober in a jet pressing buttons on a control panel and the voice over says "We've been waiting for you." Heck, I can program muh VCR. Too bad the Army doesn't take kindly to fags. Dang. Guess I'll have to die of natural causes.

I recently caught an episode of some show called How Clean Is Your House on the Lifetime channel early one morning (I had insomnia again). The show revolves around two women who go to random people's homes and clean them. And I don't mean some house that's just messy or needs to be organized, I'm talking industrial-strength FILTHY.

In this particular episode, they went to some family's (2 parents, 5 kids) house in L.A. It was dis-gust-ing. I'm talking matted shit and piss everywhere in the carpet to the laundry on the floor (they had multiple cats, a snake, gerbils, wildebeests, etc.). Can you imagine leaving dirty laundry on the floor for so long that your cat starts using it as a litterbox?! The fridge was oozing some brown material, the kitchen was hidden under months of dirty dishes and garbage. They found three severe strains of bacteria in the refrigerator alone, not including the insect parts! The bedrooms were sties and the litter box was full of maggot-infested cat crap.

How people can live like this, much less how parents can allow their children to live like this, is beyond my realm of imagination. The whole scenario pissed me off more than it disgusted me. This was a home inhabited by FIVE able-bodied, employed, middle-class people for Pete's sake! The highlights were: [1] The looks on the hosts' faces when they entered the house (It smelled so bad they were gagging). [2] One of the women getting down on her knees to smell the carpet and almost vomiting and [3] The same woman (she must be a glutton for punishment) sniffing the couch seats and reporting it smelled like urine and dirty (human) ass. Wow. You gotta see it to believe it.

I don't know if any of you are fans of the Alien film series, but my friend Nathan recently pointed this eBay auction out to me. I thought it was the coolest thing I'd seen in a long time! This DVD set is from Japan (Region 2). Besides the DVD set and the totally cool Alien head that holds the discs, you also get a kickass little mechanical toy Alien! How cool is THAT? It's really pricey though: $340. Rikes! Oh well. Anyway, the seller apparently has a ton of them, so you can probably still find his auctions on eBay. If interested, click here to see a past auction, then click on "View seller's other items" to see his current auctions.

A new Best Buy store just opened here in the North part of town (we already have one in South Arlington). I found this picture inside their most recent Grand Opening circular. If I'm ever this happy to be at work, please shoot me in the fuckin' head and don't look back. Seriously though, outside of being high on glue back in high school, when was the last time you were this happy to deal with customers? C'mon!