Thursday, July 06, 2006

Vogue's Gallery

Here are the cast of characters from jury duty. Remember their code names, it'll help you to understand future jury duty blog entries.

Chiffon- So named because of her love of the fabric of the same name. Never at a loss for words. Definitely relishes the role of alpha female. Religious. Mother of multiple children. The only one who deduced I was gay, by her sly question addressed to me: "Have you seen A Touch of Pink?" Her suspicions were confirmed when I said 'yes.' Alert Nancy Drew! *In retrospect I wish I'd said "No, but I saw Pretty in Pink. What's Touch of Pink about?" That would have gone over as well as the brief, yet revealing Brokeback Mountain conversation the others had the day before.
Darth Tater- So named because, not unlike the song by The Police, I could hear every breath he took. He claimed it was allergies. Whatever. It's called being fat. I know, I've heard a similar excuse of 'asthma' from one of my 400lb blind dates upon reaching my apartment on the 3rd floor. I also like to refer to Darth Tater as ZSnorro because he was forever falling asleep, yes, even in the jury box!!! Whoever was sitting next to him was designated the official snooze alarm. Father of multiple children.
Pucker Pants- This guy weighed 98lbs and every time he was seated in the SUV with anyone that weighed over 138lbs, he did everything but get the vapors, primarily clenching his butt cheeks like they somehow supplied him with the will to live. I even caught him wincing and literally pounding his forehead with his fist once. I studied him with a look of disbelief on my face. And before you say "Maybe he was claustrophobic," no he wasn't. We also packed 16 of us onto the elevator and he seemed just fine with that (I had the forethought to check). YET, when he lagged behind long enough to wrangle the front seat or the roomier 3-seater directly behind the two fronts seats, he was drama-free. Religious. Father of multiple children.
Kenny Rogers with a Sunburn- This guy let us know on multiple occasions that he didn't mind speaking his mind; in the car, in the jury room, in the parking lot... Okay, we get it, you're the Sid Vicious of jury duty. He also knew everything about anything (AKA Mr. Wizard). No children, but gushed about his niece/nephew.
G.I. Joan- This woman was ex-military, no frills and to the point. I instantly pegged her as a favorite. She was one of the few people who didn't appear to be wearing that permanent "I just had a lobotomy"-smile on her face during conversations. She was real. I found out just how real later on. I found out how real A LOT of them were. Religious. Mother.
Cab- One of the youngest of the group. I dubbed him Cab because he, not unlike myself, loves the old Jazz standards: Cab Calloway, Lena Horn, Duke Ellington, etc. He was also the sharpest dresser out of all of us. Man, he had some great taste in clothes. Everyone was forever teasing him about his extensive wardrobe, which, personally, I never understood. If you ask me, I think it's because though chronologically not that old, mentally, most of these people were already in their fuckin' twilight years. Father. *Burned me copies of Cabin in the Sky and St. Louis Blues (1929 version) onto DVD-R! Very nice!
Pringles- So-named because of his mustache, which rivaled the guy on the Pringles potato crisp logo. Breath that could kill birds in mid-flight. Even with gum. Health nut. Father of multiple children.

Red- So-named because he had red hair. Nice guy. Seemed the coolest out of all of the men over 30. May be engaged to his cellphone. Father of multiple children.
Def Tones- SO-named because of his hearing aid and the fact that he rarely removed his iPod Nano. Health nut. Wannabe father: "We're (he and his wife) trying to get pregnant." Naturally, this was met with nipple-hardening cheers from everyone. I'll never understand why we, as a society, get hardons when people mention their having a kid. "Penis, meet Vagina. Break out the General Foods International coffee!!" Whatever.
Jane Brown- This woman was a big James Brown fan. She'd met him many, many times over a period of decades and brought the photo album to prove it. How cool is THAT?! Soft-spoken. Mother of multiple children. Religious. Not a fan of potty humor. Her usual response: "That's disgusting!" And that was to the tame stuff. Oh to have Tourettes....sigh
Roadrunner- Perpetually busy woman. In love with her cell phone (as were 90% of the other jurors). Great business cards. Soft-hearted. Religious. Mother of multiple children.
Me- Drinks a lot of water. Coughs & clears his throat at inopportune moments. Caught himself before he absent-mindedly blurted "I'm starving!" when it came time for lunch on the first day. Could not relate to anyone. The bringer of communal gum. Single (no mystery there). Not religious. No children.

• Alternates •

Sorority Girl: Alternate #1. The second youngest person on the jury. Never really said much. No children (what?!!).
Kojak: Alternate #2. Shaved head (balding/thinning hair, like most men who shave their heads after 30 then try to pass it off as 'hip'). Likes golf, his cellphone, Texas and anything everyone else liked. The atypical straight Texas male over the age of 30. The fart monger I blogged about previously. Father of multiple children.

All in all, everyone was a good person at their core. I liked some more than others, though I got along with pretty much everyone (it's all about the fake smile...remember, I worked in retail for decades). Some were charm-free while others made better impressions.

Part 2 of 4


Anonymous Cheryl said...

Isn't it SAD how almost everyone in your random sampling of the public ('cause hey, that's what a jury is supposed to be, right?) is both religious and a breeder of multiple children?


That in a nutshell is why our country is screwed.

Thursday, July 06, 2006 8:34:00 AM  
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Wednesday, November 29, 2006 10:29:00 PM  

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