Noah's Ark Mentality

I've noticed a disturbing trend. Well, I guess technically it's not really a trend, since it's been going on for some time now. I think maybe I've just noticed how it's intensified over the last 6-8 months. "It" being the whoring of online matchmaking services. These days, it seems like you can't go anywhere on the World Wide Web without being inundated with pop ups and/or pimpalicious ads for the matchmaking service flavor of the month. I think my favorite one of all is the Yahoo! Personals ad that says: "She likes walks in the park. He likes...whatever she likes." Aw, that's beautiful. Sniffle. (aims gun at head...a single shot rings out). By the way, for those who didn't know, according to online dating services, here are the real foundations for any lasting relationship:

• Hot pants
• Wesson-oiled, bodacious breast implants
• A big, stiff cock
• $250,000+ annual income

I realize that as a species, we're psychologically wired to look for a "mate." BUT, on the other hand, I guess I don't understand the 'do or die' thought process that tells everyone: "You're a loser if you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend." Or "You're somehow 'defective'if you're not in a relationship." Or the worst one "You must procreate!" Now, I'm not saying there aren't exceptions to every rule, I'm sure there are some people out there that are damaged goods, but short of having a pentagram on your palm and receiving warnings via a mysterious gypsy woman, I am hard pressed to believe that being single is some kind of curse. On the contrary, I consider people who don't have the wherewithal to do anything alone MUCH scarier. It's like those ads for Radio Shack where everyone in the family SUV just has to have something to keep them occupied during their trip. Be it an MP3 player, multifunctional cell phone, Gameboy, in-car DVD player and/or satellite radio. Please give me a fuckin' break. Are we, as a culture really that fuckin' afraid to be alone? Afraid of silence?

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When I was younger I was more gullible and a lot more idealistic, so, naturally I had fleeting thoughts of one day having a boyfriend of my very own. But, not unlike my Furby, Tamagotchi digipet and countless other fads that came before it, I eventually outgrew the novelty. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I consider myself to be highly perceptive and it's been my collective experience that the majority of these "relationships" are nothing more than collective comfort zones, brimming with codependence and an overwhelming fear of being alone. I can't tell you how many relationships I've seen over the last 15 years that have involved just about every possibility. Some of which included:

• Spouse abuse (Both verbal and physical)
• Drug abuse
• Sex addiction
• Brainwashing (AMCO, anyone?)
• Infidelity

And that's just '89-'91. And don't even get me started on the mindless zombies that lose all sense of self and personal preferences they may have possessed at one time. All forsaken for "love." Pod people alert! I've been friends with plenty of couples and it saddens me to see people I like(d) obviously not meant to be together for whatever reason. And worse, the ones that SO don't need to be together who stay together for years because they've simply become comfortable in their rut. These are the ones that you get to see argue at your parties, bend your ear about how bad the other one is, what they did and generally disrespect each other with regularity. Isn't love beautiful? (insert sarcastic fart noise here)

Now, now, that's not saying I wouldn't be open to the possibility, should it arise at some point in my life, but in the meantime I'm not waiting for someone to "complete" me, nor am I actively searching. Though I'm a surface pessimist, I'm also a closet optimist, so I do think some relationships can and do work and I haven't thrown in the towel just yet. On the flip sid, however, are the people who inevitably think their relationship is the shining exception to all the bad ones. Sure. Whatever gets you through the day, Dreamweaver.

Buuuut, being a romantic at heart, there's always hope. However, in the meantime I really do enjoy having a free reign over my choice of activities, food, friends, schedule, etc. I'm not ready to start getting permission and/or checking in with someone just yet. I'm just not ready to trade in freedom for "we"dom.