Columbo, Credit Cards & Farrah Fawcett

Last night I had a really strange dream. I thought I'd share it with you:

I'm going visit a friend in the hospital (TV's Columbo AKA Peter Falk). When I go to the front desk to see what room he's in, I'm told that before anyone can visit a patient that they are required to give a credit card number as well as sign in. I thought this was an outrageous rule and asked them why I had to give them a credit card number just to visit a friend in the hospital. They refused to answer me and just kept kept saying "It's the rules." I mutter "Fuck this!" and start walking off towards the elevators. When I see that they are attempting to sic two security guards on me, I quickly pivot and head towards the gift shop located to the left of the elevators. When the guards start breathing down my neck, I turned and say loudly "Excuse me?! Can I help you?! Am I breaking any laws NOW?!" When everyone in the lobby turns to see what's going on, they back off and let me go inside alone. I stay inside and "shop" forever. Apparently the dream takes place in the 70's, so I bought some of those little statues with the people with the big, sad eyes that say things like "I Love You This Much" or "I Think You're Nice," as well some large ceramic plate.

The coast being clear now, I sneak over to the elevator with shopping bag in hand, and get in one of the elevators going up. There are two other people in the elevator and one of them is also trying to sneak upstairs to visit a friend. The other is a man wearing a wool trench coat and holding a box of candy and a bouquet of roses with an excess of white tissue paper flaring out from them. I press the button just as I hear one of the receptionists/nurse at the front desk yell "Stop them!" and points in the direction of our elevator. As two bumbling security guards emerge, one from the left and one from the right, and start to run towards the elevator, I frantically start pressing the button, hoping the doors will close before they can reach us. The doors close in the nick of time and we are heading for the 8th floor.

Here's where it get weird: Unable to see my sick friend, I somehow manage to escape the hospital and I'm running across what appears to be a camp ground, with individual log cabins and such, where a party is in progress. The security guards, hot on my trail, I weave in and out between the guests, some of which know me and shout concernedly "Kirk! What's wrong?!" and start rubber-necking to see who/what is pursuing me. Still carrying my shopping bag, I don't take the time to answer, but start heading towards the area where apparently there are a lot of celebrities watching a rodeo. They are sitting on benches, underneath a similar log-cabin-style awning. They are watching some guy rope cattle and are clapping excitedly. I approach from the back, out of view, but still able to see my pursuers looking around for me confusedly.

In front of me is Farrah Fawcett, who is bouncing up and down in her seat, excitedly watching the rodeo action and clapping. As I'm hunkered down, I'm just about even with her shoulder, when I tap her on hers. She turns around and sees me all sweaty and out of breath. Looking concerned, she asks me what's wrong. I explain to her about the hospital's rules about visiting patients, how I refused and how I'm now in this predicament. She's outraged and says "How dare they ask you for your credit card number?!" as she reaches out to console me, I see the guards quickly approaching and in a hushed tone say "Help me, please!" before I run off to the east, towards an empty cabin to take refuge. I hear her yell "Johnny! (Carson) Come help me!" As Johnny and the other celebrities turn away from the action, the rodeo comes to a halt.

Safely within the confines of the small cabin, I close and lock the door and put the shutters on the windows and seal them. I can see between the spaces of the logs that the guards are still looking for me. As Farrah and some others stop one of them to confront him, the other comes sniffing for me like a blood hound. I can see him peering in the spaces of the front door, squinting to make something out in the dark cabin. He tries to open the door. Seeing that it's locked he starts to violently shake it. Before he can open it, I burst through the shutter-covered window and head back towards the celebrity rodeo.

As I'm rounding the corner near where I initially talked to Farrah, I slip in the mud and am instantly surrounded by the two guards. One on my left and one on my right. There is a large rock embedded in the ground, and as I am crawling backwards to get away from them I get the idea: I take the large ceramic plate that I bought at the gift shop, out of my shopping bag. It's wrapped in tissue, so I smash it on the rock and it breaks into pieces. I pick up two large, jagged pieces and hold one in each hand. Lashing out, I start cutting each of the guards whenever they get within arms length or try to make a grab for me. The audience gasps (including Farrah) as I cut them again and again and again. Like some kind of human blender.

And that's when I wake up.