Self-Induced Birthdaying

Tuesday was my birthday. Hooray! (*insert sarcastic orangutan fart noise here) Eh, actually it wasn't that bad, I'm just being dramatic. The day started out when I woke up with a hairstyle resembling a lopsided shark fin. Note to self: do not go to bed with wet hair. You know, that hairstyle I refer to as the Josh Hartnett (circa Halloween H20). This "style" has evolved over the years into this pointy-headed style whereas the wearee gets some gel and sculpts his hair into this sort of wild, pointy peak in the center of his head. I think it's called a Fin or Modified-Mohawk. Think Good Charlotte, or see Monday's blog with the pic of The Benjamin Gate's bassist Costa Balamatsias. Normally, this is a kinda hip, kinda now, kinda wow!-look. On me, it's kinda retarded.

Tired from staying up late the previous night, I put some pomade in my hair and said "fuck it. it's my birthday." And with this award-winning attitude, my birthday was off to a rousing start! To be honest, I never really have high expectations about things like birthdays, holidays, etc. Unless, of course, I am throwing a party for one of these occasions. Birthdays don't really make me sad about the whole "getting older" thing, but more disappointed that I'm not out having some Friends-episode-style-moment, complete with wacky party memories that induce joyful flashbacks. Eh, I watch too much TV. Anyway, I digress. My first stop was to get me some bling for my birfday. My initial plan was to go to some used bookstores and then out to lunch and maybe a movie. But instead, I decided to go DVD shoppin' and to some stores I haven't been to in a while and to rent my free video at Hollywood Video (you get a free rental on your birthday).

I go to get in the car and as I'm about to back out of the driveway, I notice that there is a million dollar bill stuck under my windshield wiper. My first reaction is "this is the best birthday ever!" ('cause finding a million dollar bill is so plausible... not.) So, I get out, snag the bill and get back in the car to take a good look at it, figuring some it's some local business gimmick/coupon. But oh nooo. This isn't just any gimmick. It's a Jehovah's Witness gimmick! HOORAY! Not only do I have a birthday to contend with, but now I have to find time to repent and trust in Jesus. Neat. Soooo, I get the DVDs and some misc. bling. Now it's time for food! I opted to make lunch in lieu of going out to eat, this way I could stay home and watch some of my new DVDs. So, I stopped by the grocery store. I got some Plantation black peppered turkey breast (my favorite!), a loaf of freshly-baked sourdough bread, some lettuce, some provolone, black olives and Woeber's Sweet & Spicy Mustard. Oh yeah!

While I'm still in the store, it dawns on me: no birthday cake. We can't have that! So, I swing by the bakery to see what's already made up. I pick out a cool cake with white and lime green frosting, but first asking the all important question: "Is this the real buttercream-style frosting or that new whipped shit?" Oh good. It's buttercream. I ask the woman in the bakery to please write "Happy Birthday Kirk" on it, while I finished shoppin'. Flashback moment: One year I asked them to do the same thing (re: write "Happy Birthday Kirk" on a cake) and then when they found out I was buying my own birthday cake (you gotta let them know your name in order to pick the cake up), I got all these pouty-lipped, puppy dog eyes, cumulating with an "awwwwwww" It was like I'd just gotten divorced and they saw me eating beans out of a can. WTF? I don't have to justify my once-a-year bakery purchases. Fuck them. I like cake. So, THIS year I'm feelin' pretty confident about the whole self-bought cake thing and make it all the way to the checkout where the checkout girl says something about the cake ("Aw, you got me a cake" or something equally retarded) and just as I'm about to make a clean getaway, she sees my name on my license (I wrote a check) and exclaims loudly "Ohhh! Your Kirk! That's your cake! Happy Birthday!" At which point I look back (envision that whole tunnel vision effect they use in movies) and all the people behind me in line are giving me Pity-Pouty faces. Aaaaiiggh!

So, anyway, here's some images of some of the things I bought me for my birthday, since apparently all my friends were oblivious (with the exception of Terri), even though I somehow manage to remember their fuckin' birthdays. Go friendship! Actually, I'm just kidding. I don't have any friends.

Left to right:

• Strangers With Candy: Season 3
• Walking Tall (Johnny Knoxville.....rowr)
• Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (been meaning to buy this one forever)
• The Brady Bunch Movie (ditto)
• Kickass Leifheit insulated carafe (keeps coffee warm for 20 hours! Plus, great design!)
• Two cool chrome-lidded jars for the bathroom
• Bought some new PEZ dispensers (Spongebob, Glow-in-the-dark witch)
• Bought some Atomic City comics
• My sammich
• The bling watch my mom gave me. And last, but not least,
• The million dollar bill