Pet Peeves 101

Some things that make me want to scream:

Internet Sites With Audio: Ever been poking around the Internet and stumble across a site that has audio? LOUD aidio? That shit always scares the hell outta me. You'd think I'd build up a tolerance over time, but it's so random, that I don't think about it until I've been scared witless (and shitless...but that just happened once) by the midi file version of Livin' la Vida Loca. Why do people want audio on their site anyway? Nothing makes me click the "Back" button faster than a bad Casio keyboard version of some TV show theme or some cha cha version of a TLC song. No thanks.

Lame "Antique" Stores: I enjoy going to "thrifting" and shopping for misc. things I don't need, but I've stopped going to antique malls altogether. I pretty much gave up on them about 6 or 7 years ago, because they usually have more froo-froo NEW shit and what I call "country crock crafty" shit (Picture wood cutouts of geese, hearts, "country folk," etc, then paint em' desert rose or periwinkle blue. Add rafia and a "cute" saying like "There's No Place Like Home" and you've got yourself some country crock crap), than actual OLD things. My friend Derik and I discuss this from time to time. We both are the type of people who know what they like and can pretty much breeze through an antique mall and all it's stalls pretty quickly. Shopping with him has its' pros and cons. Pros: I don't have a "pal" under my ass the whole time slowing me down to show me everything "neat." That makes me want to pull my hair out! Plus, if he DOES see something I might like, he waits until we meet up again and points me in the right direction, thus saving me the stop-start-stop-start time. Cons: He's seen everything there's ever been to see, so nothing is new tohim or interesting, unless it's something he's buying. That kinda takes the wind outta your sales, when you've "discovered" a treasure. Plus, no mater what I pay for it, it was "too much." I've been with other friends before and they're like "God, did you sprint through the place?" No, my mind is kinda like a scanner. When I detect silk flowers, resin figurines, a bowl filled with potpourri, cherubs, a guest book and/or things I have no interest in, I walk on by. I'm one of those weird people that prefers the less organized, non-"themed" booths and prefers to look amongst the clutter. Those people always have more interesting things and don't have them all priced at "family heirloom" prices. Also, what the fuck is with the tea rooms in all the antique malls? You know, with some queer name like Ruffles 'N Bows Tea Room. I don't know about you, but I can't get enough lattice work with twinkle lights and fake ivy entwined amongst it, separating the $10 chicken salad sandwich from the crusty "collectibles." Let me at it! Not.

Cheap Toilet Paper: So, my mom is always buying me toilet paper. I dunno what she thinks goes on here at Chez Kirk, but it ain't no poopapalooza. So, she bought this shitty (no pun intended) brand called Scott. Well, unless you WANT to wipe your ass with your hand, I wouldn't suggest buying it anytime soon. It's gotta be made out of some kind of rice paper/tracing paper/sandpaper hybrid. De-lovely! NOT.

Unexpected Internet Porn Ambush: Since I am SUCH a graphic design nut and all-around visual person, whenever I am on the Internet, I am usually looking for images. Mostly kitschy, pop-culture-type stuff. Sometimes celebrities. It just depends. One thing leads to another and before you know it, I've inadvertently stumbled upon some random, explicit porn (Usually straight porn, 9X outta 10). Lord only knows why typing in "corndog" brings up some chick with a battered wiener on a stick, nestled between her headlights. Prime example: I was looking for images from the animated MTV show, Daria (Now showing on one of the Nick channels). Pretty tame stuff, right? WRONG. So, I typed in various characters names at random. When I typed in "Daria, Trent" I find some images from the show PLUS some really fucked up images that I guess fans came up with, of Daria, Jane, Trent and other misc. characters from the show having explicit sex. What's THAT about? I'm convinced anything can be sexual to anyone, at this point. I just find it more than a little unsettling to see a female cartoon character exposing her hamshack.

Chain Letters: Is it just me, or do you get e-mail chain letters, too? I thought those were a thing of the past. Last time I got one (in the actual mailbox) was back in the early 80's. I find it a little amusing (and annoying) that something as ridiculous and for some people, unnerving, as a chain letter, has gone on to bug a whole new generation. Personally, I am not a superstitious person, so the new e-mail versions go in the same place the old ones used to go: In the trashcan. Who knew the chain letter would be so resilient as to go hi-tech? I guess idiocy never goes outta style.

Solicitors: When I'm at home, I'm one of those people who doesn't go to/open the door, unless I'm expecting company or recognize the person/people at the door. I don't wanna find Jesus, subscribe to any magazines at incredible savings or get my lawn mowed by an illegal alien, okay? So, unless I know you, I'm expecting you and/or you've called ahead and made an appointment, go away. And why is it that after ringing the doorbell and knocking on the glass door, people then try to open the locked screen door? What's THAT about? I find it more than a little disturbing when I hear them pumping the handle to get it open. Weirdoes. I guess some people have a hard time accepting the fact that they're not getting a response. It's like those people who go up to an elevator and even though the button they want is already pushed, they push it again. Yeah, that'll help.

Wrong Numbers: I have the feature "Call Block" on my home phone. Regrettably, it only holds 10 numbers at a time, and once it is full I have to delete them and start from scratch. Since I have so few friends, and since the ones I do have are too busy to pick up a phone, needless to say I don't get many calls. On the other hand, I get plenty of calls for Mona, Rae-Rae and someone who I'm guessing is Mexican, since I don't speak Spanish. I especially love the ones that start out: (long pause) "Uh...um...eh...who dis?" Wonderful. Or better yet, the endearing black woman repeating "Rae Rae? Rae Rae. Rae Rae?" Neat. So, after telling them they have the wrong number (sometimes I get out the whole sentence before they hang up on me. Dandy!), I immediately block their ignorant ass, so they do not accidentally call me again. SO, maybe 2 months later, the Call Block list fills up and I have to delete it. I swear to God, maybe 3-4 hours passes before I get another wrong number. Again. Same person, looking for the same people. What the FUCK? If you've ever seen the 80's movie Murder By Phone, then you know that I can't wait for the day that you can electrocute people via the telephone. Is that burnt hair I smell? Sorry 'bout that Lakeisha.

Oh, and before I forget, I'd like to give a shout out to my friend Seth, who gave me some HTML tips to help my blog look better. Thanks Seth! :)

Now, if someone could help me with some HTML to get rid of the damn boxes around my images, so they can be flush with the background, I'd be in Heaven!