Diabolical Vittles

A friend and I were discussing the subject of people we know who must be handled with kid gloves, since they are diabetic, vegetarian, lactose intolerant, have food allergies, etc. and what a drag they are to be around. Before we go any further, let me preface this by saying I'm not "anti" vegetarian, if that's your thing, that's precious, nor am I unsympathetic to those with medical conditions. However, I AM anti-drama. Things don't always have to be about YOU and/or complicated. This blog is referring to the high maintenance people whom wield their beliefs and/or condition like a hypoallergenic stainless steel sword.

I've had friends who were vegetarians and/or diabetic. I say "had" because their high maintenance nutritional needs wore me out and eventually aided in the disintegration of our friendship. Some prime examples of the drama: One friend was diabetic and whenever we went out to eat, we had to eat somewhere more expensive than I was willing to shell out. So when I offered to have pizza delivered one night (from Pizza Inn), "Oh, Miguel (who's a diabetic) can't eat pizza." Um, okay. So where do you want to eat? They pick Cici's Pizza. For someone who couldn't eat pizza, Miguel managed to eat his way thru the buffet of assorted pizzas, quite adeptly. I guess when she said Miguel couldn't eat pizza, I guess what she really meant was "pizza from where you want to eat."

So Halloween rolls around and I'm planning my annual Halloween party menu, when I get reminded by Marla that she's a "vegetarian." Marla's what I refer to as a "pseudo-vegetarian." It's hip, it's trendy, it gets attention, all the cool kids are doin' it! SIGH. When confronted about her occasional trips to carnivore town, she'll admonish it with "I don't eat anything cute." Neat. Sorry, but you can't be a vegetarian just 6 days a week. Back to the Halloween party. So, while working on a budget I have to keep in mind that Marla and Miguel have special needs. I have some assorted sugar-free candies for Miguel (not cheap), chips, cookies, cupcakes, vegetable tray, etc. And the pièce de résistance a pricey chicken nugget platter from Chick-Fil-A. Naturally, I ordered the platter with the "carnivore's" in mind, so I didn't factor in Marla and Miguel, due to their hypersensitive dietary needs. So, who do you think scarfs down 3/4 the platter? You guessed it. Miguel The Fragile, who can't eat fast food, when it comes to what I can afford. And Marla, the "vegetarian" whose lifestyle we must forever be cognizant of.

My friend Terri regaled me with tails of wedding woes, due to guests who were either lactose intolerant, didn't eat meat and/or were allergic to shellfish and peanuts. What the fuck? If you're going to attend a wedding reception and/or the rehearsal dinner and you're that goddamn delicate, you might wanna keep your frail ass home. Like the bride doesn't have enough to deal with than to remember that Cousin Larry swells up like a microwaved marshmallow, if he gets anywhere near a peanut. Or that Helen thinks meat is murder. Here's a revolutionary idea. Why not step outside your little bubble and eat what you can (or eat before you arrive) and be a gracious GUEST. It'll be just like old times. Grab yourself a fuckin' bag of Cheerios and go to town, but give the rest of us a break.