You Had Me At 'Cuckoo' [Part 4 of 4]

Lolita calls me from work the next day, telling me about the "talk" she and her grandmother had the previous evening. Ms. Fossil continues her tirade, determined that "Kirk ran his mouth" yet quickly clams up when Lolita inquires "I don't why you keep talking about Kirk running his mouth. About WHAT? What did you say to him?" Nothing ends up getting resolved. Lolita continues with her 'tough love' routine and Ms. Fossil finds out that a made-to-order apology isn't going to cut it this time around.

Later that afternoon Ms. Fossil calls me shortly after I get home from running some errands. She wants to come over and 'talk' to me. I tell her to come on over...*fleeting scenes of Norman Bates holding a shovel flash through my mind.* I know exactly why she wants to come over. She wants to SEE me while she's talking to me, so she can put her human lie detector 'skillz' to work. Well, she's got another think coming because she's dealin' with a pro. I didn't slide under the radar all through school by being a BAD liar. Method Acting has nothing on me.

The doorbell rings. I ask her in and she sits in the big chair in front of the window of the living room and I sit on the loveseat. Here's the conversation that takes place:

Ms. Fossil: Oh Kirk, I've just messed things up so much. Can you help me get things back the way they were?
Me: (cocking my head like a curious pup) Really? How? (secretly enjoying the fact that the miserable old elf is just that: miserable {of her own accord})
Ms. Fossil: Lolita is so upset with me and I don't what to do about it. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Will you please, please ask her to come over and do something? (Whaaaaaaaaaa?)(seriously, I'm not exaggerating. She is literally begging me)
Me: (does eyes) I don't understand...just the other day, I thought you felt like she spent too much time over here. I didn't want to make waves.
Ms. Fossil: Oh, forget everything I said. I don't know why I said that. I apologized to her the other morning and told her I guess I was just, I don't know, jealous. She always has such a good time when she comes over here. I feel like she's safe with you and I like that she's not around people who use foul language (I have to REALLY control myself not to let out a guffaw at this point). She doesn't use the 'F' word and I don't like her to be around that. Have you asked her to do anything lately and she's declined because of me?
Me: Unh uh. I did go by her place of employment today to show her what I bought at the estate sale I went to today. She felt like it was best for her not to come over and look at it since it upset you so. Afterall, I know you felt like we were spending too much time together (enjoying driving this point home again and again) so I haven't asked her to do anything lately.
Ms. Fossil: Well, I don't know what's wrong. I just can't figure it out. She's just not behaving the way she used to. She won't get up early and come watch the religious programs with me on Sunday morning like she used to. She won't make coffee in the morning like she used to. She doesn't eat when I do.
Me: (feigning innocence) Well, maybe she just doesn't have the same internal clock for eating that you do. She hasn't mentioned anything to me about anything being wrong.
Ms. Fossil: Oh no, she wouldn't. She keeps it all inside (yeah, because if she let it out, you'd be buried in the basement right now). She's just like her father (then goes off into a long-winded tale of why her (Lolita's) father "hates" her (Ms.F). Shyeah, take a number, pal).
Me: Oh. Well, I don't know what to tell you. Have you tried talking to Lolita about it?
Ms. Fossil: She won't talk to me. I think maybe her feelings are hurt.

Around about this time, Lolita calls me and I tell her I will call her back. Ms. Fossil takes this opportunity to waddle to the exit and tells me in hushed tones (even though the phone call is over) not to tell Lolita that she came over to talk to me, thanks me and leaves.

So, that's where we are. It's going on 2 weeks now and Lolita hasn't come over (or been invited, for that matter, what's the use, right?). We did go to lunch yesterday and have Thai food (pictures at a later date!), though. No more Fossil bomb attacks (since she got what she really wanted anyway). Oh well, what goes around comes around.