Mortified

A friend and I were recently comparing notes on some of our most embarrassing moments. I thought I'd share a few of mine with you, in hopes of giving you some solace the next time you think you're gonna die of embarrassment.

Some of these stories may fall under the "Too Much Information" heading, but then if you were that fragile you wouldn't be reading my blog to begin with, so I'm fairly certain that, not unlike myself, you're not easily phased.

One situation took place some years back, while the other was relatively recently. I'll start with the past and work my way up to the present:

[1] About 10 years ago, I used to rent at a small video store chain near my house. There was a guy who worked there that I thought was just about the cutest thing ever. He looked like a blonde Elvis Presley (BTW, Elvis actually was originally a blonde. He dyed his hair).

Not overly familiar with the whole skin care regime, I'd recently been seduced by a cucumber peel masque and was trying it out earlier that day, peeling it off shortly before rushing to the video store to return videos.

I drop my videos off at the counter, making small talk to "Elvis" before browsing and eventually renting a few movies. As "Elvis" went to get my movies from the back, he commented "Looks like you've been out in the sun." Knowing that I'm no sunbather, I assumed that I had somehow achieved some sort of tan that I wasn't aware of. I replied "Oh yeah? What makes you say that?" "Elvis" comes back with my movies in hand and gestures towards my forehead and says "'Cause your forehead is peeling." I instantly knew what had happened and wanted to die. As it turned out, instead of removing the face peel in front of a mirror, I'd simply removed it by feel and had neglected to get it all off my forehead. I asked to use their bathroom and discovered to my horror that that's exactly what had happened!

[2] Prologue: On occasion I get what is medically referred to as Miliaria Rubra, more commonly known as "Prickly Heat." For those not familiar with this common ailment, it's simply a minor rash caused by high heat and or humidity. It's not painful as it is uncomfortable. I use Gold Bond Medicated Powder to treat it on the rare occasion that I get it. The location, for me anyway, is the crevice between my upper thigh and my groin. A little powder and it's gone in a matter of hours. No big deal.

A few weeks ago I got a late start on running errands, so after taking a quick shower, I applied a few generous puffs of powder, got dressed and ran out the door.

Shortly thereafter, I'm at the post office, getting packages ready to ship and decide to take advantage of the complimentary Priority Mail boxes provided on a display near where you wait in line to be checked out.

I gather about 3 or 4 boxes, holding them against my body, because I'm trying to balance packages. I'm wearing navy and notice that the boxes are leaving this paper sawdust-like debris all over the front of my clothing (think of the dust that always accompanies a new puzzle). After I get in line and sit my packages down on the counter, I furiously begin to pat myself down to rid myself of the sawdust-like debris. In the process, I inadvertently pat my crotch area and a puff of "smoke" errupts from my pants. There I am in front of a line full of waiting customers, performing "pants magic." I had to fight back the urge to exclaim "Voila!" while snatching a pigeon from mid-air. I wanted to die! Evidentally I'd been a little too liberal with the powder and neglected to "shake it like a Polaroid picture" before getting dressed.