The 78th Annual Academy Awards

I normally don't give a shit about award shows. I never watch them, look forward to them or even know who won what. I find them boring (apparently so did a lot of people, considering ratings for the Oscars dropped 8% this year). However, this year I recorded the Oscars because Jon Stewart was hosting. After finally sitting down to watch the tape, here are my observations:


• Favorite moment: Watching Jennifer Garner nearly bust her ass on stage. She's part of that new crop of what passes for "talent" these days who I can't stand. Along with Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, etc.

• Even though I love Jon Stewart to pieces, I thought he did a less than stellar job as host. But then, anything's an improvement over that bloated Billy Crystal who I used to love, but whose schtick is getting tired.

• I can't stand Michelle Williams. I never could. And I don't care how much everyone is raving about her dress, jewelry, etc. I thought she looked anorexic and her lipstick was WAY too red. She looked like she was wearing those wax lips you get around Halloween time. Awful. I hope she kept the receipt for that Bonne Bell gift set.

As for her husband (I had no idea they were married, until recently), Best Actor nominee, Heath Ledger (who I'm slowly warming up to as he gets older) looked like he just stepped out of a mobile home. I don't know if that facial hair is for a movie role, but if it's not, it's not a good look for him. P.s. Can you believe Hollywood is wooing him to play the lead role in the new film about the late Rock Hudson?! They must be high.

• The cut away to Rachel McAdams was stinky. Her hair was literally yellow and what was with that dress? Did she just Bedazzle a tanktop dress? Yuck.

• I thought Lily Tomlin was in GREAT form. I always thought she'd be a cool person to know. Her skit with Meryl Streep was a lot of fun. The most plausible performances on stage all night.

• I liked presenter, John Travolta's short hair. He looked gooood.

• The song Deep from Best Picture winner, Crash, was robbed. A Rap song winning best Original Song? Puhlease. Nothing says "Hollywood Glamour" like a stage performance about pimps and hos. Save that bullshit for the Grammy's or the BET Awards. Was The Academy that hard-pressed to find another nominee?

• The whole giant bow tie "gag" by Best Animated Feature winners Steve Box and Nick Park just screamed "GEEK." Not funny.

• What was with the big honkin' curl smack dab in the middle of Russell Crowe's forehead? He always looks unwashed. He's lost all appeal for me. That spoiled turd.

• The Best Supporting Actress nominees, with the exception of Amy Adams (who looked radiant, btw) and Rachel Weisz, looked like they'd been, as the saying goes: 'Rode hard and put up wet.' I love Catherine Keener, but her hair looked like she just woke up from a long nap. P.s. It's called a BRA, Catherine, consider it an investment.

And don't even get me started on how frumpy Frances McDormand looked. Good god. Was she picking corn on the way to the Oscars? Ridiculous. And while I'm on the topic of Best Supporting Actress, Amy Adams was robbed (robbed, I tell you!). She should have won. Weisz plays practically the same character in every movie and has the emotional range of Keanu Reeves.

• I never got the appeal of George Clooney until he started turning gray. Now I 'get' it. He's H-O-T.

• During her presentation, Naomi Watts looked like she'd wiped her forehead with a pork chop. Her hair was terrible too. It's once a year: GET A STYLIST. Haggard.

• Hottest guys in the room: Jake Gyllenhaal and Ryan Phillippe. DAMN! They looked fuckin' HOT. Rowr!

• While everyone was oohing and aahing over Reese Witherspoon's acceptance speech: "It sounded so heartfelt." Yeah. It should. She thanked everyone but the dog and cat. Could she have said "real woman" one more time? I felt that Philip Seymour Hoffman's speech was much more eloquent.

• Tom Hanks looks awful. I suspect facelift. Also, HATE the hair. I realize it's that way for his film The DaVinci Code, but it looks horrible. His skit about long acceptance speeches was an unnecessary, unfunny filler.

• Poor Lauren Bacall stumbled and stumbled and stumbled again with her lines. She wasn't the only one though. These people are all actors, why are they reading off a TelePrompTer to begin with? Why wouldn't they just memorize their lines? I don't get it.