Craptastic Product Reviews

I go through phases where I have a craving for certain foods. Currently, one of my cravings is for apple sauce. I'm not sure why, but it tastes nice and cool on a hot summer day. However, I must warn you of accidentally buying (like I did) the "Natural" version of Mott's Apple Sauce. Bleah! You might as well be eating wet sawdust. Stick with the "Original" version with the green label. Mott's also makes a chunky style which has the consistency of vomit, so I think I'll be passing on that as well. I've never been a big fan of chunky-style anything, whether it be spaghetti sauce, peanut butter, etc.

Marvo already did a review of this on his blog, but I just tried the Jack in the Box Bacon & Cheese Ciabatta Burger. I discovered one thing: me no likee ciabatta bread. It was too thick and too dry. Also, it looked nothing like the photo with the exception that the lettuce was fresh, green and possibly delicious (I removed it...made the hamburger too "fluffy" and cumbersome). Also, the bacon "slices" were roughly the length of a stick of Wrigley's Spearmint Gum, but there were enough of them piled on to give your tastebuds the impression that there was indeed bacon somewhere in this burger. Overall, waaaay too dry. Methinks someone at JITB headquarters just fucked up and accidentally ordered too many ciabatta buns and had to find a use for them. I have a use for them: use them to do a faux painting effect on your wall. They're the right consistency and should hold a lot of paint. DIY was never so non-toxic!

I love graham crackers. I love Golden Grahams Cereal. So, when I saw that Life Cereal had come out with a new graham-flavored cereal, I thought "Why the heck not?!," so I bought some. I can describe it in one word: Blech. It totally didn't taste like graham to me. Instead, it tasted waaaaaay too much like vanilla. Now, I liked the original vanilla-flavored Cookie Crisp Cereal (back when the wizard "Cookie Jarvis" was still the spokesperson) and the vanilla Cap'n Crunch (both long discontinued, unfortunately), but this new Life Cereal tasted too vanilla-y. I HATE the scent of vanilla candles, etc., and this tasted like a vanilla candle smells. I might as well have poured milk over a bowl of vanilla potpourri. No thanks.

I bought this box of Fruit Punch at Target, merely for the novelty factor. They also had Peach Tea flavor, which I normally love, in any form, but the box was less fun that the Fruit Punch one, so I opted for the Punch instead. And when I say box, I mean box. You know, like those boxes of wine you can buy for parties. Same concept. Well, the box was easy enough to operate (spout et al) and initially the punch tasted "okay." I thought it was too flowery-tasting. Then came the aftertaste. It had a strange, but subtle aftertaste of chemicals. Me no likee.

I like Spam Luncheon Meat. I don't eat it often, but I do like it on occasion. I prefer mine browned in the skillet, in a sandwich with plenty of mustard. Well, I'm in luck because the makers of Spam have just come out with Spam Singles. How cool is that? What a great idea! Spam Singles are single slices that come in individual packages, like Starkist tuna. Very convenient. One slice is the equivalent of 2 regular slices of Spam. Finally, something I liked! Two thumbs up.

And last, and certainly least, Homemade Style Ragu Pizza Sauce, AKA tomato-based battery acid in a jar. I had a hankerin' for some mini English muffin pizzas last weekend. They're simple enough to make, just split an English muffin, dab on 2 teaspoons of pizza sauce, add toppings (I chose pepperoni), top off with cheese and bake for 10-15 minutes in the oven at 350º. I normally make these with spaghetti sauce and they are pretty delicious. However, I thought I'd get all fancycakes and listen to the little voice in my head that was telling me "The right tool for the right job." Stupid little voice.

So, I have a choice between the Ragu Pizza Sauce or the Contadina Pizza Sauce. Well, since I am not a big fan of the Contadina brand of tomato-based anything, stupid me chose the Ragu brand. To be honest, I didn't even know that anyone still made pizza sauce. I vaguely remember something delicious called Pizza Quick Sauce back in the 80's and I think it was also distributed by Ragu, but it didn't taste anything like this. Remember the jingle? "Open a jar, of Pizza Quick Sauce, and open your own pizzeria!" Well, this new "Homestyle" opened something up alright...my fuckin' larynx! I swear to god, I rarely experience acid reflux and/or indigestion, but this shit gave me the all-time worst case of acid reflux ever. If you ask me, I think the shit was old. It was darker than the usual tomato-based sauces I've seen, yet the expiration date was April '07. Avoid at all costs, unless you have a cast-iron trachea.

That's it for now. I'll keep you abreast of any future purchases.