Fleeting Thoughts and Inner Dialogue

...while walking in the park:

• I smell celery. Weird. I swear to God, this area of the woods smells just like celery.

• God, I would so be dead if I got lost in the wilderness. I just know I'd end up eating something poisonous. On my deathbed I'd be all "It smelled like celery."

• Ech. Another Dasani water bottle. People who litter suck ass. I hope a raccoon bites them on the ass.

• Yeah, keep looking at me like I'm gonna jump your bones at any moment. Yeah, I'm comin' to rape you lady, head for the hills. You paranoid asshole. Trust me, your pussy is the farthest thing from my mind.

• Is this dog going to bite me? I hope not. Aw, he's/she's a sweetie-face. Still, I wish people would keep their dog on a leash. They always freak me out a little at first. What am I worrying about? God, Kirk, have you ever met a mean dog at this park yet? Embrace your fear. Pat the dog. Make kissy faces. Okay, on second thought don't make kissy faces. People already think you're a weirdo.

• Wow, the forest is really dense here. Jason Voorhees would love this shit. Jason. *shiver*

• Jesus Christ, I think I just saw the ghost of Karen Carpenter in hot pink jogging shorts. I swear she weighs MAYBE 97lbs. Darting little ferret. So damn fast. She'd survive fleeing from a escaped psychopath. Unlike you, who'd get winded in 20 minutes and just stop and say "Let's get it over with."

• Hmmm. That makes me start thinking about all those slasher movies that take place in the woods. Creepy. Now I'm envisioning the killer's POV...darting glances, quickly concealing theirself behind a tree before being seen, heavy breathing. God, the heavy breathing is creeping me out...oh, that's just me. Close your mouth dumbass, you want people to think you're dying?

• Geez, did a horse shit in the woods? Why don't people pickup after their dogs? Lazy bastards.

• One of these days I'm gonna lean on this dock railing and go crashing into this disgusting-looking water. Pretty. Ech, just the thought of getting that water in my mouth disgusts me. Turtle poop.

• That pig cop. I will not smile at him as I pull into the parking lot. He's always here every morning, hidden away like some trapdoor spider with a speed gun (AKA "lidar"). That prick. I hope no one is speeding so he'll have to find another location to fill his quota. Sneaky bastard. Typical.

• God, I feel like fuckin' Pocahontas going on safari. Do I have enough shit in my pockets? Digital camera, cell phone, Walkman, car keys, pepper spray. All I need now is a friggin' picnic basket. I'm such a dork. A prepared dork, but still a dork.

• Once I get out of sight of anyone who can see me, I'm gonna try jogging or sprinting, like some of these people who are passing me by. Okay, here's my chance. I don't want people to witness me looking like a giant, flouncing asshole. Here goes...ow...shin splints. Ack! Too much shit bouncing around in my pants...heh heh, that sounded dirty. You know what I mean, Kirk! Quit acting like you're 8 years old: You're carrying too much shit in your pockets and it's bouncing all over the place and making your shorts fall down. One of these days you need to try the walk without all the shit. Maybe you can jog then.

• Wouldn't it be awful if I rounded a blind corner and some hidden killer, concealed behind a tree, hit me in the face with a rake? That would make a good scene in a slasher movie. Very 80's.

• I really love The Cars. I always think the soundtrack to my "exercising" should be Techno or something really hi-energy, but The Cars always put me in a good mood. Martha & The Vandellas, too. God, I'm such a homo.

• Creepy. I wonder what dug that freako hole. It looks deep. Walk faster. Killer badger. KILLER BAD-GER!

• What's with all the cobwebs in these trees? It's kinda freakin' me out. I'm sure it's just some kind of caterpillar or something, but my first thought is "Spiders!" Webs creep me out. Especially when they are so thick. Blech.

• Nice people always catch me off guard. Like that lady on the bike that just whizzed by and said "Have a nice day!" And like a retard, I'm like "skronk" WTF was that?