Not-So-Deep Thoughts

I think a lot. Too much. Sometimes all this thinking gets me down in the dumps. Sometimes it gives me something to blog about. I rarely use my cell phone, but use the "record memo" feature ALL the time. This way I won't forget things I see, wanna buy and/or things that make me laugh. Here's the accumulation of some questions, voice memos, general observations and/or questions I've deliberated over in the last week.

• I can turn just about anything into an hors doeuvre, providing I have plenty of toothpicks : Cheeto Puffs, popcorn chicken, shrimp. Fun fact: I almost choked to death on a piece of popcorn chicken yesterday. I coughed so hard, I think I ruptured my spleen.

• I'd love to get my hands on some of these sappy television commercials I see all the time. For example: You know that peanut butter commercial where the little girl comes into the living room where her dad is sitting on the couch having just put peanut butter on a piece of bread, makes her one, then he proceeeds to fold his piece in half before he takes a bite? Then she says "Why do you do that?" and he says "Because my dad used to do that and I always wanted to do everything like him," to which she quips "That's silly!" Then you see her turn away and fold hers in half. Insert tender moment. I'd edit this right after she says "That's silly!" and have him shoot back defensively "Oh yeah? Well, you're adopted, you smug lil' bitch!" Then show her running away crying, pigtails flying, clutching a fistful of bread and peanut butter. I have a real nurturing nature. It just comes natural to me, I guess.

• It is wasteful to wipe when you know you're taking a shower right after you're done (pssst! I'm talking 'bout poopin')?

• Okay, I can accept the pumpkin/jack o'lantern bags that you fill with leaves and leave on your front lawn during Halloween. I CAN'T accept that now they are making Christmas ornaments and decorative Christmas ones, not to mention the people who actually think this is considered "decorating." What a shitball idea.

• It must be Christmastime. I've seen red & green candies, cookies, cereals, donuts and Rice Krispies treats. Red & green means Christmas... or Freddy Krueger.

• Driving past the cemetery yesterday, I noticed some day-glo bitch attending a funeral wearing a so-short-only my gynecologist knows for sure-type skirt, some blindingly bright hot pink blouse and heels that scream "Are you a cop? 'Cause you have to tell me if you're a cop." Um, you know what? There's no cover charge or two drink minimum at this funeral, so let's see if we can put out fashionista personna on pause and show a little more respect and common sense, you fuckrag.

• Thanks to the mere theory of Michelle Trachtenberg's boobs, during my recent viewing of the cineturd Eurotrip, my gayness has never been more secure.

• What kind of hot dogs have I been eating? As I was driving the other day I initially thought I smelled hot dogs. As I got closer to the source, it was definitely skunk. Great. Now my sense of smell is going too.

• I get bored. I found myself trying to come up with new lyrics to that Folger's commercial. Here's what I came up with: "The best part of makin' up is the fuzzy wrist handcuffs" and "The best part of breakin' up is kickin' him in the nuts."

• I love that the bitch in front of me keeps tapping her goddamn breaks while she oozes around the slightest suggestion of a curve in the road, traveling the break-neck speed of 25mph, yet she didn't break when some asshole driving a pickup just pulled out in front of her. WTF?

• Spoiled bitches piss me off. Some fabulicious mom with bratty kid in tow just had the bag boy at the grocery store carry her groceries to her car (she was in the first parking space right outside the front door, btw). As I sat there with my door open, pretending to hunt for my keys, watching him load the last of her 6 bags of groceries in her Miata, I heard her say "Oh thank you. That cat food is so heavy. I don't know how I would've gotten it in the car." How about the same way you got it in the cart, bitch? Lord only knows how she managed to load it into her fuckin' shopping cart with the help of it's medieval torture device called a "HANDLE!" Goddamn!

• The local Sav-A-Lot has some of the cutest doggone names and packaging for their generic sodas: Crisp (apple soda), Patch (strawberry soda), Mountain Holler (Mountain Dew), Dr. Pop (Dr. Pepper). I really do think the generic brand's marketing department tries harder. Their ideas/concepts are consistantly more colorful/fun than any of the "brand name" stuff.