Of Hunks and Herpes: An Analysis

Ever get those "Value Packs" in the mail, filled with coupons for everything from the local thrift store to fast food restaurants to pest control (where were they when I had that stalker 6 years ago?)? Well, I do and I always look through them and pick out the ones I'll use and ditch the rest. One thing I've noticed is that apparently all blue collar guys are hot lovemonkeys.

For example, check out this hunky "air duct maintenance technician." Check out those biceps and that face. He's a fox! My air duct guy never looks like this. Not to mention the cable guy, exterminator, mailman, plumber, electrician, etc.? You know, that whole fantasy, where the TV repairman drops by, is super hot and then steamy encounters take place. Whatever. Now, I'm not lookin' for a little afternoon delight, but the occasional piece of eyecandy would be a nice change of pace. Instead, I get the deodorantly-challenged. The terminally married. The English is my second language (and I'm not that swift at the first one) guy (AKA Queso-&-so) and/or the ever-popular buttcrack guy. Swoon! ...Not.

Here's another ad for a local tune-up place. Who's mechanic looks like THAT? Bet he smells good too. All the guys at the garage I go to are Pakistani or look like Cooter from The Dukes of Hazzard.

As I thumbed through the various coupons, I came across one for laser hair removal. There's a woman in a bikini quoted as saying "I'd love to get rid of my excess body hair and really learn to like myself." Who knew self-worth was just an electrolysis appointment away? Yeah right, good luck Sasquatch. And while I'm thinking about it, there's also an ad for some Herpes medication that claims to regulate your Herpes break outs so you can "take back control of your life." Um, you have Herpes. I'd say control isn't one of your strong points. And while we're on the subject, why is it that all the people we see in Herpes ads always lead such vibrant and active lifestyles? So then, can we deduce that people with cold sores have bouts with 'keeping up with the Joneses?' I don't know about you, but I sometimes find myself secretly yearning for Herpes, just so I can go to the beach and/or go bicycling through a lush forest glen, and leave this tedious existence behind once and for all. I know it sounds selfish, but I'd really love to catch up on my leisure reading. Herpes: They're not just for 'hos anymore! Get Herpes and start living life in the fast lane! To see just how specialized our society has become, check out the online Herpes singles dating service! 'Cause nuthin' says romance like a raging case of Herpes!

And finally, the ad I see at my online bank website. I guess there are businesses out there that still believe in "keepin' it real":