Movie Rental Reviews

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. © 2004
I've grown to like Lindsay Lohan, though I must admit I was livid when I first heard news that Disney was remaking one of my favorite movies, The Parent Trap. Blasphemy! I eventually rented it, but it lacked the magic of the original. Lindsey was cute, but was no Hayley Mills. Back to CTDQ. The movie had a sense of fun and Lindsay's character was likable, as were the supporting characters. I was surprised to see that the movie was light in the comedy department. The trailer led me to believe that there would be more laughs, but the laughs seemed to be confined strictly to the trailer. On the plus side, there was Carol Kane and the male lead was mighty fine (Adam Garcia). Overall, it was a little too Hilary Duff with a severe case of girlpower, for my tastes, but tolerable. ∑∑

Calendar Girls. © 2003
Wow, this movie finally came out. I remember seeing it advertise well over a year ago, and have been wanting to see it ever since. Well, I finally rented it and it wasn't half bad. It had a Saving Grace feel to it, if you've ever seen and/or enjoyed that movie. Most men and the likes of Gen Y can't seem to get over the idea that the plot involves a group of 60-something women getting "nude" (to pose for a calendar to raise money for Leukemia). I've never been one for the whole "ew" attitude, so it doesn't bother me in the least. Besides, if you're of the "ew" persuasion, then it's probably got way too much of a plot for you to bother with and you might as well go rent some "sweet-ass" (or with today's kid's spelling "sweat -ass") XXX or Torque movie. Anyway, the movie was a lot of fun, though the buzz kinda wore off towards the end, when it gets kinda preachy and self-righteous. ∑∑ 1/2

Adam & Evil. © 2004
Okay, okay. I know, what you're thinking: "He'll rent anything!" Well, it's kinda true...when it comes to slasher flicks. Growing up in the 80's, I LOVED slasher flicks and still do. However, as a rule, I pretty much know that any slasher flicks that come out these days (esp. straight-to-video) are gonna probably not be up to par. However, every once in a while, when there is a horror drought in the new release section, I'll take a chance and rent one that has a great cover, familiar premise and/or a killer with a nasty penchant for sharp things and/or a cool costume. Well, Adam & Evil was actually alright. I read some dumbasse's review on IMDB, who evidently didn't watch the movie. He also was baffled by why it was called Adam & Evil. Um, hello. WARNING: Spoiler: The main character's name is Adam and there's a girl named EVElyn....who's uh, well, evil. Doi. That's rocket science. Not. So, anyway, the movies' overall look was better than I expected. I was SO hoping I hadn't rented another one of those cheap-ass movies that looks like someone shot it on their camcorder. I am SO bad at falling for their cool cover art. In addition to the professional look, the movie also some occasional original, cool music. The killer had a cool m.o. (leaving a roman candle at the scene of the crime) and the implements of murder + the murders were pretty fun, too. Not a lot of gore, but enough to make it worth the rental. Also, the one cute guy ("Seth") was also some nice eyecandy. Now the downside: Wow, was the acting and the dialogue ever BAD. The badly delivered teen urban lingo was SOOO corny, I swear I could taste the nibblets. Also, the ending was pretty cheese-o-riffic and like I mentioned earlier, not enough gore in the murder sequences. Would have liked to see a little more Friday The 13th-style killings. ∑∑∑

Chopping Mall. © 1986
With dialogue like "In about an hour and a half we bail this BBQ and it's good times to the max!" (said to a fellow co-worker at their fast food job at the mall), it could only be an 80's B movie. Mmmm, can you smell it's fetid goodness? Is it a plausible concept? Of course not. Is it dated? Oh yeah. Okay, so this movie isn't going to win any awards, but I still love it for the cheese-addled late 80's horror classic that it is. Plus, there's a fairly good body count/gore factor AND one of my many 80's dream hunks (AKA Deathstalker in Deathstalker 2-4), John Terlesky can be seen in all his pectacular-chiseled-jaw-glory. Who could ask for more? ∑∑∑∑

Lord of The Rings: Return of The King. © 2003
Okay, I admit to being bored one day and renting this on PayPerView. I generally relegate this type of movie for the Renaissance Festival crowd, but in my defense, the only reason I PPV'ed it was because I was too lazy to go rent it and I heard there's some Eijah nip towards the end. Well, Elijah nip or not, he wasn't worth the 8 hours it took to get there (okay, I'm exaggerating a little. It was just 6 hours....jk). Seriously though, this was the longest nymph turd I've ever had to sit through, since I saw Willow. I just don't get these kind of movies. In it's defense, it looked and sounded beautiful (score), but 9X out of 10 I had no idea, nor did I care, what anyone was talking about. Apparently there's some evil piece of jewelry floating around and it must be destoyed. Neat. Whatever. Let's pick up the pace, people! So, the Elijah nip scene was way too dark and way too brief to have made this worth my time. I ended up forward winding through most of it out of sheer impatience. P.s. I totally don't get the whole Orlando Bloom appeal. ∑

∑= I want a refund
∑∑= Wait and watch it on cable
∑∑∑= Worth the rental
∑∑∑∑= I'd buy it...for the right price
∑∑∑∑∑= I'd add it to my movie collection