Here's some of the things that I observed or had thoughts about on my recent trip to the grocery store.
When did cookies get to be so complicated, not to mention expensive? Sure, it's nice to have choices, but sometimes you just want a plain oatmeal cookie, ya know? But can I find a quality, plain ol' oatmeal cookie? No, but I can find Raisin Raisin Oatmeal, Chocolate Chunk Pecan, Peanut Peanutbutter, Belgian Chocolate Chunk and Chocolate Chip Macadamia. And why are Pinwheels $4? Are they that complicated to make? I can get the same flavor effect with a $1.09 box of Little Debbie Marshmallow Cream Pies. Weird.
Some guy just walked by and he smelled like grape Kool-Aid. You know, like that smell/taste you get when you pour the Kool-Aid mix into a deep pitcher and the dust from the powder floats up into the air. He smelled like that. Yum!
I just manhandled a box of crackers off the shelf and started an avalanche of flavor. I hate it when they stack shit so close to the edge, that the slightest move makes it fall off the fuckin' shelf, and in turn, starts a domino effect on everything it hits on the way down. Then I end up looking like a some goddamn third rate juggling act from Circus of The Stars.
In order to appease my hunger for cheese and crackers (look out Wallace & Gromit!), I took a close look at all the cheeses. Decided on an offbrand, until, upon closer inspection, noticed it said "cheese product." What the hell does that mean? Sounds like a sneaky way of saying "not cheese." I opted for the store brand, which is actual cheese.
Ooh, Duncan Hines has a new line of brownie mixes called Candy Shoppe. Apparently they come in Twix, Reese's Peanutbutter Cups, m&ms and Butterfinger falvors. Yum! But why is it nearly $4 a box? Couldn't I just buy the Duncan Hines brownie mix that's on sale for $1 and add the candy of my choice for another buck?
I swear to God, I thought I was in a Budweiser commercial from the 70's. All that was missing was jingle bells and snow. I heard CLIP CLOP! CLIP! CLOP! CLIP CLOP!, coming my direction, from behind. It was some chick in clogs. Can she not hear herself? Geez, everyone else sure can. Doesn't she realize she sounds like the fuckin Little Dutch Boy on a stickhorse? Damn.
Nobody noteworthy on the cover of any of the magazines this time. Looked at the books. Saw one called Fields of Honor: The Pat Tillman Story. Apparently some guy who used to play professional football (the Cardinals, I think) voluntarily joined the Army. Whoopee. He's hot, though. Rowr!
Some woman just yelled at her kid because she "wants to get home before it rains." It's supposed to rain today? So? I don't get why people here in Texas get so worked up over rain. I could understand if you had no functioning windshield wipers, but goddamn, it's just water. Relax, turn on your headlights and drive like a normal person. Idjits.
On the way home I pass a church whose sign out front says: "Because we've been found, we have a mission to find the lost." Who exactly is "we" and how did anyone know you were missing? Maybe you were found because the lost ratted you out. Or maybe, the lost don't wanna be found, ever think of that? Maybe the found people need to get lost. Religious people freak me out.
Oh, and while I'm on the subject of freaking out, here's something I'm sure our little church friends can appreciate. My chicken. Yep, it's official. I'm going to Hell. I wonder which side dish Satanic chicken prefers: Stove Top or mashed potatoes? Maybe I'll make both and really raise some Hell.
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