Movie Rental Reviews

• Motor Home Massacre © 2005
Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Kirk, what did you expect from a movie called 'Motor Home Massacre? Citizen Kane with a body count?" Nooo. But you have to take into consideration how long I've been "taking chances" on music, movies, books, etc. Sometimes you get lucky and 'discover' a pretty good time...sometimes, like in this case, you throw away money on a real shitbomb, corn shrapnel et al.

This was one of those movies that was shot on some form of 'not professional' video. You know how I detest that shit. However, there were some laughably bad aspects that really stood out, besides the entire cast's acting.

- The whitebread, red-headed who was the token "homeboy," speaking in painfully bad 'ghetto slang.' Wow. Soooo fuckin' bad.
- One of the main male characters (pictured) who looks like he's 40+ fuckin' years old, trying to pass as a 20-something along with the rest of the cast. Yeah, I understand that in these kind of movies you're expected to suspend reality to an extent, but this was ridiculous. Sorry, you can Lancôme all you want, I can still tell how old you are so you might as well set that sweet bird of youth free. Sure, you can have the sixpack abs, but when you have crow's feet and you're fighting a bald spot, you're not "pulling off" the "I'm 20" thing. Naturally, there's no birthdate for him on IMDB...or his web site...or on the actor's studio site he endorses, or... Gee.
- One of the victims is dragged behind the RV. The other lone survivors discover her and stop the RV, pulling her bloody, barely alive body into the RV. The following dialogue was what made this chapter of the DVD my last:
Guy Survivor: What happened to her!!?
Girl Survivor: I don't know! It looks like someone rubbed rocks and dirt all over her!

Time for the DVD to go back in the case.

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• Date Movie © 2006
I rented Date Movie because it was a slooooow new release week that week. My review: not funny. Save your time and money. Though, I must admit that there were a few scenes that did make me laugh, but they were few and far between:

- When Julia (the main, lovelorn character) reaches into her freezer and pulls out a “Lonely Woman Frozen Dinner." I died laughing, just from looking at the picture on the box; A woman in her bathrobe sitting at the dining table looking depressed, with a heaping mound of macaroni and fried chicken in front of her. LMAO! You gotta love the Hungry Man spoof of it all.
- A scene where Julia, wearing a dress, jumps on a motorcycle to race to meet the man of her dreams before it's too late. There's a jump cut where we deliberately see that it's a muscular black man in a dress (wearing a motorcycle helmet) riding the motorcycle, doing stunts, and eventually arriving at the destination...another jump cut, Julia gets off the motorcycle and takes off the helmet. The audience is none the wiser. LOL!

And yes, that was it. If you saw the trailer, you saw the movie. It really didn't get any better. Wait for cable, if you must.

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• David Spade: Take the Hit © 1998
I really like David Spade's sardonic brand of humor. That's why I rented this 1998 stand-up DVD. Technically, it can still be considered a "New Release" since it came out in April of this year, but I assumed it was made remotely recently or I wouldn't have rented it. Very disappointing. Soooo not some of his better work. The whole 'set' was drawn out and there was way too much dead air on more than one occasion. Pick up the pace dammit! Save yourself some time and money. Pass.

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• The Benchwarmers © 2006
I wanted to see this movie when it was in theaters, but, as usual, I just never got around to it. I'm glad I didn't. Boy, was I disappointed, yet again. It looked so promising too: David Spade (with a hilariously-bad Dorothy Hamill cut), Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite), Rob Schneider (who I found unnervingly attractive in his little green shirt and baseball cap...don't ask, I don't know either) and Jon Lovitz (The Critic). I normally like most of the things these guys have done and find them amusing in their own ways, but I just did not find this movie funny. And it's not that I'm 'above' the whole "low brow" style of humor, it's just that I kept waiting for the movie to 'kick in' with the humor I'd anticipated and it just never did. The nose-picking, lame comebacks and the obligatory whack to the nuts, just ceased to amuse. It all seemed very scripted and nowhere near as funny as these people's previous works.

Everyone over at IMDB seems to fuckin' LOVE this movie, which completely mystifies me. I think it's a mixture of main stream America taking anything they can get that's familiar and die hard fans of Adam Sandler (his production company, Happy Madison made the film), whom I can't STAND. Another thing that irks me about his movies and that whole little circle of people is the blatant nepotism. I 'get' that it's part of the "schtick" to some extent, using all the same pals in these movies (Allen Covert, who I like, wrote the screenplay for this cineturd). However, at what point do you question their talent (or lack thereof)? Oh well, like everything else, I guess as long as the masses continue to take what they can get and eat it with a smile on their face, keep churning it out.

And speaking of nepotism, Spade's pal, Nick Swardson who plays his agoraphobic, sun-fearing brother, in the film, was the one saving grace of the movie. Nick and the movie soundtrack were the only highlights for me.

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• Mr. Jingles © 2006
If I'd known then (when I was at the video store renting this shitbomb) what I know now (that this "movie" was AKA S.I.C.K. 2 {Serial Insane Clown Killer}), I would have never even gave this movie a second look. Again, I was sucked in by misleading cover art and synopsis. I must admit that as I was taking it off the shelf, I thought to myself 'You're probably gonna regret getting this, but there's no other new horror movies that seem remotely interesting.' Boy, if there was an ever an argument to listen to your conscience, this is it. This was (surprise, surprise) another one of those shot-on-video cineturds. I won't even bother going into detail as to how bad this was, suffice to say it all boiled down to two words: Fast Forward. Not to mention I could have gone a lifetime without seeing fat goth knockers. A lifetime. Avoid like the plague.

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• Final Destination 3 © 2006
I loved the 2 previous Final Destination movies, but I have to admit I deliberately waited for this one to come to DVD. I was pleasantly surprised how much fun it turned out to be. I felt like the original freak 'accident' that precedes the rest of the deadly events that inevitably follow in these films, was somewhat anticlimactic. The rollercoaster sequence didn't pack anywhere near the cringe-inducing punch that the highway pileup in part 2 or the plane crash in the original. However, I did find the series of freak accidents that followed to be just as much creative fun as it's predecessors. A fun, suspenseful ride. Worth the rent.

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• King Kong © 2005
I love the original Kong and the 1976 remake, which I faintly remember being a fan of when I was little. I remember having a King Kong iron-on T-shirt and that Burger King offered glasses as premiums when you bought a Whopper. The sad part is that everyone on eBay now thinks they (the glasses) are worth a small fortune just because one of them (not unlike the movie poster) has Kong standing on top of the Twin Towers in New York. Just another case of people misinterpreting "treasure." Trust me, they'll still be hoarding them like they were gold 10 years from now, just like the people who think all that Princess Di and Kennedy shit will someday be worth something. One word: Landfill.

Anyway, I've gotten off topic. My point is, I loved the previous Kong movies and had zero interest in seeing the new CGI-riffic remake, even though everyone I talked to seemed to think it had merit. Well, after forgetting to rent it forever, I finally remembered the other night. And even though I am not a fan of CGI, I liked the movie.

I spent the first 45 minutes impatiently waiting for Kong to make an appearance, but by the time he did, I'd already gotten so involved in the adventure aspect that I forgot all about him. LOL! I think I enjoyed the movie more on the level of a jungle adventure movie than a King Kong movie. I was particularly creeped out by the giant insects and freako monster bats.

Though I enjoyed the movie, I'm still a fan of the 1976 version. It may have some outdated special effects by today's standards, but I liked the cast better (Jessica Lange, Jeff Bridges and Charles Grodin) and loved the Kong rampage in New York sequences a lot more. Overall, the new version was fun and worth a rental, but not necessarily something I'd feel compelled to add to my DVD collection.