A Recent Conversation With My Mother

Prologue: My mother is not decrepit, fragile or otherwise incapacitated...yet you'd never know by talking to her sometimes.
Me: Hi, are you busy?
My Mom: No, what's going on?
Me: Can you hear me okay? I'm on the cell phone.
My Mom: Yep, I can hear you just fine. What's going on?
Me: Well, I just got finished with the eye exam. As it turns out they don't have to dilate my eyes to give me a new prescription for eyeglasses.
My Mom: Oh, well that's good.
Me: Yeah, and the exam was only $45 and since the insurance premium is $35, I'm not gonna bother sending them the paperwork. I thought it was going to be more expensive.

So anyway, I finish the exam, they give me my prescription and I walk next door to get the glasses I picked out yesterday. The girl that works there said that the particular frames I picked out wouldn't be compatible with my prescription and that I needed to find a different pair because supposedly, with my particular prescription, the lens will be too rounded and will pop out of the frame that I picked. Which, I think is bullshit because I have a pair of glasses like it right now.

So she picks out some other frames for me, but none of them are wide enough. So I said to her "But you can order larger frames, right?" And she said "No." So I said "So, you can't order larger frames or you don't?" Then she began to give me song & dance about how certain frames no longer in production, yada yada yada , etc. Then she tried to pick me out some fuckin' expensive Gucci frames, like I'm some kind of idiot.

It was so obvious she had this whole speech memorized, which is bullshit because I talked to Derik the other night and he just got new glasses, and has been wearing glasses since he was a kid, and he said that they can order wider frames, but they want to sell what's in the store and not deal with special orders, which sounds about right to me.

So I told her I was going to look around at some other places and that I might be back later. Soooo, this means I'm gonna have to go to the mall now, which I HATE. So anyway, that's the glasses situation right now.
My Mom: You may have to get one of those plastic things to put over your teeth when you sleep, if you're grinding your teeth at night.
Me: *insert sound of the needle being pulled off a playing record* What?
My Mom: You may have to get one of those plastic things to put over your teeth when you sleep, if you're grinding your teeth at night. Like I have.
Me: ::long pause:: What are you even talking about? Are you trying to talk to someone there or is the TV on? Are you distracted?
My Mom: No, I'm listening.
Me: Well, I don't think you are because I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm talking to you about my eyeglasses and you're coming outta left field with some shit about a mouthguard.
My Mom: Yes, I understand.
Me: Understand what?
My Mom: I'll show you what I'm talking about when you come down (to visit).
Me: *deep breath* Okay. Are you listening? What I'm saying is that we're talking about two completely different things and I don't think you understand that. Let's say you and I were talking about, I dunno, ORANGES and then, without warning, in the middle of the conversation I start talking about airplanes. Would that make sense to you?
My Mom: Yes, it would.
Me: Okaaaay then. I gotta go. Talk to you later.
My Mom: Okay hon, I love you.
Me: I love you too. Bye.