My Momma Told Me...

Much to my delight (did I just use the word 'delight?' What's next, splendid?), I recently received the latest issue of the Harriet Carter catalog. Since I never received it before, I have a sneaking suspicion my friend Terri sent it my way, but I'm not sure. Either way I was excited to get it.

I have fond memories of looking through both the Harriet Carter and the FingerHut catalogs over at my babysitter Bessie's house. I remember she ordered a Santa Claus that you would stuff with newspaper and she'd seat him on a chair on her front porch every Christmas. I also remember her ordering me a wonderful pencil sharpener that looked like a beaver (come to think of it, she also bought me some pencils with my name on them too). You'd put the pencil in his mouth and he came apart at the center so you could empty the shavings! God, I loved that thing. I know I saw it around here somewhere.

Leave it to me to find a "hottie" in the catalog. I just want to kiss his cute lil' nose. So he's wearin' a goofy hat, just look at that cute face! Sigh.

Annnnnyway... I love to browse through the Harriet Carter catalog, I find some of the items inadvertently humorous or I'm skeptical about their claims. However, there are just as many that border on ingenious. I've listed some of them in the clickable image on the left (L to R):

[1] Okay, now I agree that the concept of this item actually has some merit. Heated gloves: awesome...BUT then it goes from smart to retarded when you find out they need D-sized batteries to operate. Do you know how big a D battery is? Is there a matching ski cap and scarf that run on a car battery I can carry in a backpack? Wonderful! Sold!
[2] I actually love the idea of this one. I don't know about where you live, but the faucet for the garden hose here (in the front yard) is concealed behind some bushes that I hate to wade through every time in order to turn on the sprinkler. This remedies that problem! Keen!
[3] In theory I really do like this item. I could possibly use some of them somewhere in my backyard...BUT...The tiles come in sets of 4 for $29.98 or you can get two sets (8 tiles) for $57.50. WTF? That's not enough to even begin to do shit with! However, look how beautiful the upper photo is that accompanies the product. There are well over 30 tiles there. Let's say, for the sake of argument, there are 50. Divide 50 by 2 (for the 'discount' when you buy 2 sets), that's 25. Twenty-five times $57.50 is...$1,437.50!! Jesus Christ! I could get someone to pour me an actual cement patio for less than that! Insane.
[4] Do I really need to say anything about this product? It speaks for itself.
[5] Slimming Shapers...ppffft! Whatever. I SO don't buy the claims of this product. If it really did what it's claiming to do in the second picture, she would have no circulation below the waist. Whatever.
[6] This one made me laugh out loud. It also made me think of Scheiss Weekly's tales of snake woes. I wonder if it really works. Every time I see the brand name Dr. T's Snake-A-Way it makes me think of that awful movie with poor Richard Gere, Dr. T & the Women.
[7/9] Okay, here's one I just don't get. I've seen stuff like this happen in grocery store circulars, but never in a catalog. I'm referring to when there are two practically identical items in a catalog/sales paper and they have totally different pricing.

So, looking at the first image, the device covers 500 sq. ft. and you get 3 for $19.98. Then there's the other one which covers what they call an "average" room size and it cost $19.98 for ONE, but you can get TWO for $38.50. So, you can get SIX of the first brand for $1.46 ($39.96) more than you can get TWO of the other brand? WTF?
[8] This one cracked me up. I remember my mom had something similar to this in the late 70's and one end attached to the doorknob. I remember playing with it and thinking "How is a system of ropes and pulleys supposed to help you stay fit?" Rheee! But hey, I bought some bullshit ab machine contraption in the 90's, so I guess I'm not one to talk.

Which brings me to the items I might actually buy (L to R):
[1] Shut up. I know what you're thinking. Besides, I haven't wet the bed in weeks now. I'm not exactly sure why I feel must own this product, but I do. I saw it advertise on TV recently and I instantly wanted some. I keep telling myself it's my first step towards world domination.
[2] How cute is this? I don't even use bulb garlic (I instead opt for the powder), but I want it anyway. It's just too kitschtastic!
[3] My egg-peeling skills leave a lot to be desired. Sometimes they rock, sometimes I end up with some funky-ass eggs with lots of chunks out of 'em. Not pretty when you're making deviled eggs. I still don't get how it works. Must be magic.
[4] I am definitely ordering this. I have so many DVDs and I turn down DVDs at pawn shops, on occasion, simply because they have scratches that I dunno if I can buff out. I could take this handy little gadget along and know whether or not to buy them. Swell!
[5] I bought something similar to these ages ago, to fix some of the chipped areas on the old gas heater built into one of my bathroom walls (see? I told you I had an old house). It did alright until it was time to heat up the stove, then it turned this icko beige color and peeled off. Me no likee. Maybe this one will do the trick. Gotta find out.
[6] Lacking basic motor skillz, this crown molding for retards is right up my alley. I wanna put some in the computer room!
[7] I have an old fridge in the garage that was probably made in the 40's or early 50's. The teeny, tiny freezer compartment is always chock full-o-frost. This may be the remedy I've been looking for.
[8] I love dickies! No, seriously. I remember my dad had some stashed away in a drawer, that he never used. They were wool and looked like turtlenecks. I remember loving to wear them during my junior high/high school years. I love dickies because I'm one of those people who is hot-natured, so layers of clothes make me 1- Look like the Michelin Man and 2- Are hot as hell. Dickies: The perfect remedy. The look without the hassle.
[9] Oh, I am so getting some of this. I've been using that "frosting" shit in a can and it kinda sucks. I need this for the bottom portion of my bathroom window and the little window on my front door.
[10] I need this for my bedroom door at night. Yes, I'm paranoid, but it's cheaper than a therapy bill.
[11] This is ingenious. I am so buying this, too. I can definitely put it to use in the computer room. There are literally 4-5 sockets on the ol' power strip that are not even getting used because I can't fit a plug in there because the other damn plugs housing is so goddamn big! Harriet Carter saves the day!


...then there are the items for those 'special' customers (L to R):
[1] I cringed when I saw this "hat." It looks like something you'd see Corky wearing at a pep rally.
[2] Wow, Debra Messing from Will & Grace must be hard up for cash to be hawking this doofuswear. Is it really so hard just to invest in an actual sun visor? Rheeee
[ 3] Just look at this 'tard's face. It speaks for itself. Chaka Kahn may be Every Woman, but this guy epitomizes Every Frat 'tard. Enjoy your Cirrhosis, Chet.

Now get outta here and go buy somethin' from ol' Harriet. I know you want to.