Don't Stop 'til You Get a Huff

Just when I thought I'd heard it all...

Last week my friend Bill called me one afternoon, telling me he heard voices and could see shadows of multiple people outside, behind his condo unit and was gonna go check it out, but wanted to call me first, on the off chance that something happened to him. I advised him to call the police first, so he did, then proceeded outside...

Once outside, he finds:
A. A drug deal going down
B. The Welcome Wagon
C. A gang of rogue Mormons
D. Teens huffing the A/C freon

You guessed it. The correct answer is D. Oy vey. I never heard of huffing freon. Paint, Scotch Guard and glue, yes. Freon, no. There is one laying on the ground and 3 or 4 others standing around. He eventually chases off Beavis & Buttheads (once it registers in their collectively chemical-induced brains to run away). He then calls his neighbor and tells him what is going on, so that he too can keep a watch out (plus, their A/C units are the ones on that side of the building).

Bill then calls me, and proceeds to get all Nancy Reagan on me. Vowing to put a stop to it once and for all, or at the very least deter them...but how? First, I look through the Yellow Pages for some type of cage to cover the unit, but to no avail. Meanwhile, Bill is racking his brain trying to think of something to put in or near the unit to deter the little booger-eaters. I suggest ginger root or cinnamon oil, 'cause both are REALLY hot. No, Bill says. Bill suggests roadkill. Nah. What could he possibly put on the valve they're suckin' on, that no sane person would ever wanna put their mouth on? Since we didn't have access to Carrot Top's penis, I suggested some good old-fashioned dookie. Eureka!, exclaims Bill. A lil' dab'l do ya!

Bill calls me the next day, reporting on how he pinched a loaf in an old Starbuck's cup, 'cause the best part of waking up is poopin' in a cup! Then he proceeded to wait until the coast was clear, snuck out and with the aid of a rubber glove, applied an ample amount-o-poop directly to the area these kids are suckin' on...and they still did it anyway. Geez.

Around 4:30, Bill hears a familiar commotion behind his building, but because of the angle of his windows, he can't see anything but shadows. Yes, again. He calls his next door neighbor and tells him that "they're back." His neighbor leaps into action with his 3 vicious-looking dogs (Penny being the most vicious) in tow, goes outside and the kids scatter to the four winds, some being chased across the property and across the street by Penny 'n pals. Bill's neighbor manages to snag one of them and holds him until the police arrive. Bill calls to tells me how hilarious it all was and that he's going out to get a picture of the kid, for future reference (as well as blog fodder for lil' ol' me!).

The police finally arrive and take the kid away. Bill said it was kinda sad because when the cop went through the kid's pockets, stuff like candy and Pokémon cards fell out, which tells you just how young this kid is. Bill said the others were older, but this kid was the youngest. Sad. Stupid, but sad.

So, there you have it. A tale of pubescence, poop and pooches.

*smert