The People in Your Neighborhood

[1] Documented proof that you don't have to go to West Virginia to witness the result of years of inbreeding. Wow. I don't where to start with this motley crew of mouthbreathers. This is one of the few photos actually taken OUTSIDE my neighborhood at a Griff's Hamburgers about 20 minutes away. And by the way, this is just HALF of their brood. The other 4 were ricocheting off the remaining 3 walls of the establishment, apparently new to the dining out "experience."

Observations:
[A] The kid in the red shirt: This is the most still he was and probably ever will be. He was like a goddamn ferret with ADD.
[B] VPL girl: To be quite frank, she smelled like urine. There. I said it. Oh, and she was mad. Teen angst meets Hee Haw. *VPL= Visible Panty Line
[C] Godzilla with lipstick: I think that movie Far and Away best describes the width between her eyes. Wow, was she ever loud... and impatient. She came to the conclusion that they (i.e. the entire brood) would just go to McDonald's instead. They simply didn't have time for this "crap" (re: waiting in line).
[D] Pa Kettle: Obscured by Boobzilla, he was the one saving grace of the bunch. He was quiet and shockingly good-looking (compared to his counterparts who rivaled the combined cast of Gummo). Poor guy.

[2] Dude! Doritos are Xtreme!!!!! WOOOOOO! Okay, these people aren't really in my neighborhood, but their photo was on a display at the local Albertson's. These are some pretty excited motherfuckers. Hey, I like Doritos too, but if I ever get this enthusiastic over some mass-produced, over-priced, flavored tortilla chips, shoot me.

[3] This is the cashier at one of the gas stations I frequent. She's the coolest, nicest person. She's always upbeat and friendly, but not in a fake, nauseating way. I like her a lot.

[4] This "woman" I'll call Belchenstein. I came in contact with her and her digestive system (or lack thereof), at a nearby used bookstore. I was at the end of the same aisle she was on, browsing the movie-tie-in paperbacks, when I heard a belch so loud and so wet, I debated whether or not to offer her a bib and a Handi-wipe. I thought surely she'd feel embarrassed enough to say 'excuse me' or at the very least, laugh nervously and leave, but noooo. She proceeded to do it, not once, but 2 more times! I finally got up and left the aisle, fearing that the next one might come out the other end.

[5] Sasquatch with bifocals. Aw, I'm just kiddin'. He's actually a really nice guy. He works at a nearby Tom Thumb store, as a bag boy. The reason I took a picture of him is because I just can't get over how tall he is! I'd guesstimate to say he's at least 7'4". I was in the cereal aisle, debating the merits of Alpha Bits (they spell stuff!) and Honeycomb (it's big, yeah yeah yeah. It's not small. No no no ), when there was an eclipse. It was this guy doing a price check.

[6] Wow. This guy stunk. You know what? If you find yourself getting hot and sweaty (and apparently thirsty: notice the Busch Beer purchase), please, please, please have the common courtesy to grin and bear it. I said BEAR it, not BARE it. Or at the very least, keep it covered while in confined spaces with other people. Save it for the wilderness hike, Pepe Le Pew.

[7] Not much to say about this one. I really just needed another photo to balance these all out. Pretty cute. Crusty elbows (I hate that!). Nice nose and eyes. Could use an upper lip. Patient.

[8] This is the male counterpart to the fabulous woman whose photo I shared with you around Thanksgiving time. Suffering from what I've termed "The Tom Jones Syndrome," his snotty expression told me he obviously thought he was something wonderful. He was something, alright, whipping around the other customers like his Miller Lite purchase was a matter of life or death. Maybe it was. Maybe he had a pocketful of Roofies and his kid's babysitter waiting in the car. Who knows? Who cares? There's something about leather jackets that have that affect on people. All that's missing is the cell phone.

[9] This candidate for the next batch of Soylent Green, held up the check out line at Kroger's for at least 8 minutes of my life that I will never get back. Why? His total was more than it should be. After all, those Ramen noodles he bought were on sale. This prompted a sales circular scan, frantic phone calls for assistance and eventually the calling in of a manager. As it turns out, he was looking at the wrong total on the computer screen: The original total, not the one below it that showed his current total with his saving due to his Kroger card. Idiot!

[10] The Human Bang with telecommunication capabilities. I apologize for this somewhat blurry, distant shot. I was sitting in a booth at a restaurant and was unable to get any closer. BUT I wanted you to at least lay witness to The 'Do with a cell phone: The one in the middle, in the far back. This explains why our ozone is depleting: this woman's lust for AquaNet. The woman stayed on her cell phone for the entire duration of her meal. I just don't get it. And this isn't the first time I've witnessed this phenomenon. I see people consume entire meals and the phone never leaves their face. Are people this goddamn lonely? Do they have something against newspapers? Silence? Just another reason I HATE cell phones.

[11] This is "Sarah" at the local 7-11. Unfortunately, like an idiot, my thumb covered the lens on this shot, but I wanted to show you that I really did try to capture the moment for you, my loyal readers.

Here's the backstory: As Derik and I were waiting in line at 7-11 (Slurpees!) a black guy came in WITH a bottle of Aquafina bottled water, and proceeded to the candy aisle to get something. Well, this is the same line that I and Mister No-Lip in picture #7 were standing in for like 6 minutes, because Flabbutt & Costello behind the counter couldn't tag team it and pick up the fuckin' pace. So, Derik and I are standing in line with 5 other people...waiting. And waiting...and waiting. So the black guy finally loses patience (as did some others) and just decided to leave. As he's leaving the bitch behind the counter yells "Hey! You gonna pay for that water?!" And he comes back in and explains that he brought it in with him (which he did). She doesn't believe him, while the rest of us are shaking our heads that he did indeed come in with it, but she's already pissed and bitching about how people are driving her crazy. Her rant goes on for the duration of our visit. Yeah, she needs to be working with the public. Go help yourself to another donut, Bloatzilla.

The irony of it all? She didn't (but I did) see him stuff the candy he was originally gonna pay for, in his pants. Lol! Good for him! Fuck her. If they'd been doing their goddamn job, and Bloatzilla was as observant as she THOUGHT she was, none of it would have happened.