I've Seen the Future and it's Fabulous

*As you know, I live to bitch about people, places, things and events. The holidays are not exempt from my rants. I hate the self-appointed fabulous. Boy, am I in the wrong state!

Faced with the task of picking up my pre-packaged Thanksgiving dinner at Tom Thumb, I encountered, as one might expect on the day before Thanksgiving, utter chaos. Out of the many people I encountered, this fabulous foursome caught my eye and held my interest. I apologize for the picture, it could have been better, but it was hard maneuvering around all the dazed and confused old ladies and people on cellphones making fabulous plans.

In order to help things go a little smoother, I'll be naming each person in the fab foursome. [1] Latte Attitude, [2] Little Red Whining Hood, [3] The Real Slim Granny, [4] Strawberry Shortfuse. Now that that's cleared up, you'll know whom I'm referring to as the tale unfolds.

Like 95% of the rest of the planet, Starbuck's has landed smack dab in the center of the local Tom Thumb. It's where the fabulous people meet for overpriced coffee and biscotti. The same coffee and biscotti you can buy a mere 10 feet away in the bakery. But I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, fabulous. So, Latte Attitude swishes in with her entourage and it's immediately clear that she thinks she's got it goin' ON. What? You want proof? Her first move was to get a luscious latte ('cause shopping can be SUCH a CHORE) and taking a phone call on her cellphone. Why, the sunglasses didn't even come off for at least 10 minutes. And, naturally, the cellphone never left her ear. C'mon, whip that ponytail some more. Whip it good! Whip it real good! BRAVA! May I Armour All your jacket?

Later, in the toothbrush aisle (I'll blog about that at a later date), a mere 4 1/2 minutes into the shopping trip, Little Red Whining Hood (tired of waiting for L.A. and The Real Slim Granny to decide on what conditioner was the most fabulous), ran around the corner of the aisle (hoping they would follow), then came back stamping her foot and pouting "I'm too B-ored!*" *To get the true effect, relax your lips and mouth completely. Now make a forced "B" sound (bUH) while tossing your head back and then tack on an "ored". Darling.) She did this 6 more times (I counted!) throughout their visit. Mommie's precious angel.

This brings us to The Real Slim Granny. Sorry memaw, but that overpriced, pink faux fur coat from the junior miss department at Dillard's isn't a time machine, sweetie. Neither is that Dynasty-on-a-budget disaster you call a hairdo. I'm sure you readers can empathize with me. I hate those women who look as if they have tried everything short of cosmetic surgery, and still come off looking like a mountain goat with laugh lines. They're the ones that shitball products like Dream Lips, Dream Lash and LifTight were made for. Look under their wispy bangs, you'll see the word "Sucker" printed there.

And who could forget Strawberry Shortfuse? She was the envy of all that observed her. Whether it was her hateful Hoedown in the milk section (she was told "No cookies."), her sulky Salsa near the Bratz display or her "No chips" Merengue, I was endlessly entertained with her antics. I think my favorite was when the fab four, as a group, cut in front of a woman and her daughter (shown), trying to beat them to the check out lane (see her cart magically pushed out of line? The Real Slim Granny did that). We can only hope these precious angels grow up to be HALF as fabulous as their foremothers. And I do mean 'mothers.'