Mental Goulash IV

I'm afraid I'm not always as topical as I'd like to be, since I wait until I've collected enough interesting (to me, anyway) items before I can do another installment of Mental Goulash. So, if some of these things are not-so-fresh, now you know why. Grab a bowl and dig in!

Dammit! I was outsnarked again! This time around it was Stacy. What are you trying to do, Stacy? Ruin me?!! Oh well, I already have the picture and everything so... Apparently 66 ABC affiliates deemed Saving Private Ryan just too doggone violent (what? A war movie violent?) to air, uncut on Veteran's Day. Thanks to the FCC, who has television broadcasters running scared after their decision in September to fine CBS a record $550,000 for showing a brief flash of Janet Jackson’s boob during the Super Bowl halftime show (give me a break), multiple stations across the "United States" opted to replace the film with something else. Knowing what a forward-thinking kinda state Texas is, I know you'll be shocked to learn that here in Dallas, Saving Private Ryan was preempted by a very special episode of...(drum roll please) Oprah. Ah, a Veteran's Day tradition. Fuckin' stupid.

On a recent trip to the grocery store, I stopped poppin wheelies (or "pullin' an ollie" to the emo crowd) in my motorized shopping cart/scooter long enough to notice that there are some new goodies on the shelves. I haven't tried any of them, but perhaps if we ask nicely, the folks over at The Impulsive Buy will. The products:
• Air Heads Fruit Spinners (with "Vitamin C-Charged Flavor Crystals!")
• Caramel Apple Fig Newtons
• Speedo Sportswater (Lol! It's official. They have no souls.)

I saw the first Bridget Jones Diary (eventually). To be honest, I'm not a big fan of Renee Zelwegger. She's too shiny and she squinches her mouth to the side WAY too much. There's something weird about her I don't like, though I do like some of the movies she just happens to be in:
• Chicago (Hellllllo Richard Gere! ROWR!)
• Cold Mountain (She won an Oscar for that? Whatever. Jude's so purty.)
• One True Thing (Actually didn't mind her in this movie. Sad, but good.)
• Empire Records (Rory Cochrane was so hot in that movie!)

So, it was no surprise to me when the review of her new Bridget Jones movie (Edge of Reason) was deemed "more of the same." Fuckin' DOI! It looks just like the first damn movie... only twice the romance and 5X the wackiness! Ech. What? They couldn't bear to lose Hugh Grant? Did he have nothing better to do? I thought they took care of him in the first one. C'mon! The first one was okay, though I know many women out there swooned at the possibility of 2 men fighting over a pudgy gal with a wacky personality, but let's reel it in, okay. The ability to gain and lose weight is great PR, but does not a good movie make. When Bridget finally came out of her shell and the movie starts in with the obligatory montage of her working out, taking charge of her life, etc., I didn't get that excited, happy lil' twinge I normally do when I see that kind of stuff happen in these kind of movies (re: underdog). Muriel's Wedding, it ain't.

On my most recent outing to Taco Bell, I noticed that the hot sauce packets had changed. Going the way of the Valentine's conversation heart, the hot sauce packets all have different little sayings on them now: "Bike tires scare me.", "IM A HOT T R U 2?", etc. Oh, and if you're wondering why I put "chicken" in quotations, that's because I got some weirdo hybrid meat in my burrito this time around. I've never had any complaints with Taco Bell in the past, but this time, ACK! I don't know WHAT the source of the meat was, but it wasn't like any chicken I've ever tasted. It cured me of any further forays into their "chicken"-based products. Yes, it was that gross.

I saw these cute lil' froggies at Target recently and came SO close to buying them, even though I don't even need them. Depending on how well versed you are on your pop culture, do you remember those no-slip decals stores used to sell that you put in the bottom of your tub, to prevent you from slipping? The ones that were popular when I was growing up, were the ones shaped like daisies/flowers. I think we had some uggo yellow ochre ones in our tub, though the foot-shaped and owl-shaped ones were pretty popular too (what was it with owls and the 70's, anyway?). Well, these lil' froggies are the new millenniums's answer to the no-slip showering experience. They are made from rubber and have lots of tiny little suction cups on the backs of them. They come 6 to a package for about $4-5. I thought they were very cute, but managed to exercise SOME discipline and not buy them, since I really have no use for them. However, I do think they would make cool guerilla art, leaving one of them on random people's car windows. I know. I'm weird.

Reality TV has recently managed to suck me into watching USA's The Biggest Loser, Fox's Nanny 911 (don't even get me started on these total fuckin' morons who pump out 5 kids then find out they suck as parents.), and even the faux reality show on Comedy Central: Drawn Together (hilarious, BTW). Now I'm seeing that some CBS reality show is apparently returning for its' 6th season (There was a 2-5?), called The Amazing Race. I wasn't interested the first time around, but I saw some of the current cast members and was like ROWR! They're pretty doggone cute, even if Adam does have some faux-hip bullshit thing going on with his hair. Unfortunately, I predict neither will win: Adam's partner is his ex girlfriend (SO not gonna win) and Aaron, as well as his partner are both "models." They are going to be so internally preoccupied with how they are coming across on film (in case this is their 'big break') that they're not gonna make it. Besides, their profile says they have been "inseparable" since their first date. SO not gonna win. They're gonna whammy themselves with their bickering. Still, both Adam and Aaron are pretty eyecandy, however fleeting.

The other afternoon while I was catching up on some work on the computer, I had the TV on in the living room, listening to one of the music channels (Digital cable now offers music channels that play certain genres of music 24/7. Think satellite radio. No commercials, etc.). I had it tuned to the Singers & Standards station (Jazz/Lounge music), when I heard Let's Fall in Love being sung by a strangely familiar voice. You know how sometimes you can HEAR something, but not know who's singing, but still have a sense that it's not someone who has made a career of it, but it's like a side thing? They SOUND like they're an actor or something, but they're tryin' the singing thing on for size. It's hard to explain, but my ear can differentiate between professional and wannabe. Anyhoo, I went into the living room to see who the singer was and 'lo and behold it was Tom Wopat, AKA "Luke Duke" from that 80's TV show, The Dukes of Hazzard. So, that got me to thinkin' about my big crush on his TV sibling John Schneider. God, I thought he was so cute. I even bought his first album... on 8-track, no less! I was a twisted little freak. It was a weird. I liked John Schneider's face, but preferred Tom's body. My point is, it's just a little unsettling that both of them have multiple albums out now, not to mention John's role in Smallville. Them Dukes, them Dukes!

I was under the impression that the movie Kangaroo Jack totally tanked at the box office. Now I see that an animated version called Kangaroo Jack: G'Day U.S.A. has just been released to DVD. What gives? Was this just some leftover turdtacular tie-in from the publicity department, completed before the movie sucked ass in the theater or was this something that was consciously done after the fact? Either way, I'm completely baffled.

And last, and least, I saw this craptacular ad recently while on the Netscape homepage. It made me laugh. Yes, I realize that living in Texas and not being a Dr. Phil fan translates into blasphemy, but I'm not impressed with his corncobbery. I'll leave him to the Blue Collar TV crowd. As far as I'm concerned he's the Dr. Laura of the Oprah set. Now, not only is he going to solve your relationship problems, he's going to show you how to lose weight, too. Lol! Maybe next he'll show us how to lick Oprah's Prada boots or how to cure baldness. Wait. Scratch that last one. Oh! And don't forget to pick up one of "nutritional bars" or shakes, during your next visit to Walmart. Lol! Whatta schmuck.