The Post Office of Tomorrow: A Tale of Terror

Once upon a time there was a boy who couldn't sleep. And since he couldn't sleep, he thought to himself "I will go to the post office and check my post office box and see if I have any mail." So, late, late one night as he gathered his car keys (yes, he could drive. He was a very special little boy, now shut up dammit!) and p.o. box keys and was about to pull out of the driveway, he noticed that there was a light lit up on his dashboard that said "I don't run on kisses and magic, asshole! Put some oil in me, ya slob!" Or perhaps it just had a picture of a little oil can that indicated the car needed oil. Either way, he turned on the headlights and popped the hood so that he could put oil in the car before heading off to the spoooooky post office. As he was putting oil in the car, the wind blew and the trees rustled. As the oil emptied into the oil receptacle, he gazed under the hood thinking "Wow. It's dirty in there. (he had OCD)" Then he began to flashback on images from all the horror movies he'd seen where someone got killed while working under the hood of their vehicle: Madman, Shadows Run Black, Friday The 13 Part 5: The New Beginning, Deadly Intruder, and such. He spooked himself and looked around nervously. Just then the last bit of motor oil glugged out of the bottle and he quickly screwed on the cap and closed the hood with a THUD!

Once safely in his car, doors locked, seatbelt on, the boy backed out of the driveway, into the street, and started on his way towards the spoooooky post office. Once there, he parked closest to the entrance that was nearest to his p.o. box. The post office had been remodeled 4 years earlier and was very beautiful and secluded. As he walked through its' doors, he looked around the labyrinth of p.o. boxes and tabletops and thought to himself "This would so make a good place to make out with someone. Oh the sexy possibilities! (he's such a perv)" Reminding himself that this wasn't an episode of Red Shoe Diaries, he made his way to his p.o. box. Upon opening the p.o. box, he gasped in horror at its' contents: A church newsletter from his parent's church (eek!), an expired Tuesday Morning circular (ack!) and a belated birthday present of $5 off a carton of cigarettes from Marlboro (cough!). The horrors! After closing the p.o. box door, he thought to himself "I'm gonna go see if they have that Priority Mail boxes display out, so I can pick up a few boxes while I'm here." As he walked towards the front of the building, the shuffling of his sinister shoes (they're old and brown) echoed throughout the building, reminding him of how alone he truly was. He started thinking about horror movies again. Horror movies with chases through corridors: Prom Night, Cherry Falls, Slumber Party Massacre. What would he do if he was cornered and forced to flee? He hated to flee. He'd much rather skedaddle. While he tossed around the various scenarios, he reached the Priority Mail box display and grabbed a couple of boxes (he had things to ship the next week). On his way back he passed the new automated postal center than had recently been installed a few weeks ago. It suddenly lit up and came to life yelling, very loudly "HELLO! WELCOME TO THE AUTOMATED POSTAL CENTER!!" That's the moment when he jumped out of his skin, like a cat who'd gotten his tail stepped on! He checked his pants for signs of a lapse in toilet training skills, but all was as it should be. He quickly exited the building, leaving the evil machine talking about stamps or such, got into his car and left for home. He would never forget that night of terror at The Post Office of Tomorrow.