The Pitfalls of Gay Dating: A 4-Part Series

*This is Part 1 of a 4-part blog entry

Okay, we've touched on this topic before in one of my previous blogs, so if you have no interests in reading about how depressing the world of gay dating is, then feel free to bypass today-Thursday's entries.

Occasionally, I'll get an "Oh, what the hell"-attitude and take the time to fill out an online personal ad on some random site. I think I've done it maybe 4 times over the last 10 years. Most of which I completely forget about until I get some e-mail alerting me to the fact that I "have new matches." Everybody who places a personals ad gets matches. I've yet to ever receive an actual reply to any of mine, but from what my friend Derik tells me, it happens (to him). But then Derik has a picture on his. I'm not so brave. I should know better than to NOT include a picture, considering that the "success" of the whole gay dating experience in based solely on looks (and age).

Now, before I get too far along, let me preface this by telling you I'm not saying I'm some dream catch that everyone should be scrambling to get dibs on. I have my idiosyncrasies and physical limitations, just like anybody else. I'm very grounded in reality and know my dating potential. I know I'd probably look better if I lost some weight or actually ventured out into the sunlight, but I also know I've seen worse. And some of them even have boyfriends. What's THAT about?! So, just enjoy this blog on the satirical level in which it was intended. Thank you.

With that said, I've assigned a letter, A-E, to correspond with each photo, for easy referral throughout the various categories of men. I've broken down the usual suspects for the first set of pictures, which I like to refer to as 'Types.' Now, let's not be misunderstood. This is merely the tip of the iceberg. There are many, many more categories and subcategories of types of gay men. These merely represent the types I've come in contact with in the region of Texas that I live in:

A: Product: These are the gay men whose bumper sticker might read: "If my car was the Lancôme counter at Dillard's, I'd be home by now." The men who think they never seem to age, because they look so youthful and natural, all thanks to their incessant use of skin products. "Natural" translating into: I think I'm so adept at applying makeup that no one notices (trust me, we notice). The one who spends 1/3 of their paycheck on "maintenance." i.e. skin toner, pore minimizer, eye bag minimizer, mousse, gel, etc. Age range: 30+. See also: Liza, Club whore and/or Narcissist.

B: Mullet: Living in Texas, these are pretty abundant. And when I say "mullet" I don't necessarily mean literally. Mullets can also be a state of mind. For example: The "straight man" who got married, had children, then came out, got divorced and/or separated. Who now lives for the weekends, when he can put on his favorite boots, biggest buckle and Stetson cologne, in order to dance the night away at the nearest gay bar that plays country music. Age range: 25+. See also: Complicated family life and/or Child trauma.

C: Mid-life Crisis: Yep, one of the most prolific. Whether it's the 50-something sporting a ponytail, sportscar, blatantly obvious over compensation in choice of youthful clothing and/or the gym body of your dreams, this one was quite prolific last time I did the bar scene. Easily recognizable by their frightening self-confidence of their appeal to the younger man, as well as their overzealous effort to pay for a younger man's drinks, meals, room & board, etc. Also, a red light for those who are compensating for being radioactive (HIV+) because of their past sexual whoring, by living in the gym and sculpting those pecs and biceps. They're not stupid (now). They know that if they're going to drop an "I'm HIV+" bomb, that they better be bringing something else to the table that their chicken can work with. i.e. A bod, money, security, etc. Age range: 40+. See also: Sugar daddy, Wannabe and HIV.

D: Gangsta: It's popularity has slowly been sweepin' the gay nation for the last 4-5 years. Big pants, top of underwear showing (so you can hopefully read the impressive label), baseball cap (with mandatory bill curvature) and the ever-present cell phone clipped to pants pocket. The one shown here is 35 years old. Frightening, huh? This group of gay gangstas is in the hizouse, B! You betta recognize (that 98% of them are wannabe idiots)! Age range: 16+. See also: Gangsta WASP and/or Clone.

E. Countess Fagula: Ugh. The bane of my gay existence. This category, unfortunately is quite prolific as well. With the supposed ever-growing "acceptance" and popularity of gay-themed TV shows, this little lady has come out of the closet and girlfriend, she is fierce! (snap!) You betta recognize! This one is pretty self-explanatory. The eyes say it all. I lovingly refer to them as "fruity eyes." There are also those who have "fruity mouth." I know the reference photo is of someone of Asian persuasion, but trust me, those are fruity eyes, regardless of minority affiliation. Fruity eyes scream "I'm queer" and fruity mouth screams "These lips were made for blowin' dong." And while we're on the topic of "made for," Countess Fagula's feet were made for dancin'. Ah ah ah all night long! Age range: 20+. See also: High maintenance, Drama queen and/or Diva.

A few more pitfalls to avoid, should you find yourself browsing, placing or replying to a personal ad, the first three of which are represented by the photo below:

Glamour Shots: Steer clear of anyone whose only photo they could come up with for a personal ad, was taken at the mall. Glamour Shots are anything but. See also: Regis & Kelly fan and/or Wal-Mart patron.
Creative Cropping: If the person has taken the time to crop someone out of a photo, this might be a red flag for several reasons: A) Ex issues, B) Friend/Family identity concealed could signify underlying issues that could pose potential problems later on down the line. See also: Closeted, Married and/or Drama queen.
Makeup and/or Creative Lighting: Never a good sign. This also includes the junior college Beginning Photo 101-style B&W photos. These people's home decor usually incorporate the following fagalicious touches: silk flower arrangements, 80's vase with sticks in it, Patrick Nagel prints, potpourri, family photos and sweatshirts from the Lillian Vernon catalog. None of these things are ever a good sign. See also: Hallmark employee and/or Craft mall patron.
Boi Syndrome: Anyone whose screen/profile name contains the word "boy/boi" and they are over the age of 25, should be avoided at all costs. These people are the kissing cousins of the parents who think they are still "hip" enough to hang with you and your teen friends. Nothing's more embarassing/sad than seeing a 40 year-old accountant dressed in a "Hip Hop Don't Stop" shirt and baseball cap, getting' "jiggy wit it" on a crowded dance floor. See also: Peter Pan Syndrome and/or Mid-life crisis.

Tomorrow: Cracking the personal ad code.