My Eye Exam

A few weeks ago I had an appointment to see my eye doctor in Dallas. My friend Derik was nice enough to take me to my appointment and offer for me to spend the night at his house. Hooray! (I don't get out much) Some eye history: Back in 1979, I was in second grade. During recess one day I got hit (accidentally) in my right eye with a dirt clod (hooray for Texas!). Once the school nurse noticed that all the white had drained from my eye, leaving me with a creepy, bloody sphere, she realized this was pretty serious and called my parents. Long story short, I had to have eye surgery (in order to avoid eventually going blind in that eye), where the doctor placed what is called a scleral buckle in my eye. The procedure was successful on many levels. The main level being, I could see out of my eye. The bonus level being it excluded me from taking P.E. class through high school. Hooray! And I thought the teasing was bad OUTSIDE of P.E. class. I could have had my own Sissy Spacek moment (being pelted with jockstraps in lieu of tampons) in the locker room. Thanks retinal surgery! You're swell!

My eye appointment was for 1:30. Once I got to the eye doctor, I got to fill out the medical history equivalent of the W-2 Long Form, attached to a clipboard, since it had been 3-5 years since I'd been there last (according to them...I'm taking their word for it). Come to think of it, it may have been as long as five years since my last visit. I notice the giant fish aquarium that was in the waiting room in now gone. Phooey! I love it when waiting rooms have aquariums. :( Derik leaves to run errands, with the understanding that I will call him once my eye exam is over. Meanwhile, I've finished filling out my life story and handed it back to the receptionist.

Over the duration of my THREE HOUR! wait, I overheard:

• Some 60-something snooty "power lunch"-type woman who answered her cell phone, asking her son "What's up, babe?" I couldn't help picturing her telling herself "It worked for Cher! She's pushin' 60 and still looks great!" Her conversation was so fabulous that she eventually took her cell phone and 80's power suit ensemble to the bathroom with her. Nice.

• 1 old lady complain and question everything from whether or not Dublin, Texas was really the oldest Dr. Pepper bottling plant in the world to how her maintenance man tried (unsuccessfully) to teach her how to scroll down a text window on her computer.

• And my favorite: 1 old woman who had exhausted her son with questions of why it was taking so long for her to see the doctor. Uh, welcome to the 20th century, Nanna. Look around, there are 25 other patients doing the exact same thing. Take a Xanax and chill the fuck out. Luby's doesn't close until 9. I swear, this woman kept repeating the same questions over and over and OVER. She just wouldn't let up. Completely baffled. Now I know why Norman Bates killed his mother.

I finally get called in, get my eyes dilated and then get to sit in the waiting room for ANOTHER hour and then finally get to see the doctor and get my eye exam. He raves about how well my eyes are doing (Right eye: 20/25. Left eye: 20/20). Yaye me! He gives me some nonprescription eye drops to use, since I've been experiencing some discomfort because I use the computer for prolonged periods of time. I ask him for a recommendation for a place to get glasses (since he doesn't "do" prescriptions) and he says he'll look into it and have his secretary send me some information.

It's now roughly 4:30, and I've called Derik to come pick me up. While I'm waiting, I decide to see what relics lie in the vending machines, because I am friggin' starving, since I haven't eaten all day. I opt for the (normally) safe bologney and cheese sandwich ($1.50), a grape soda (75¢) and the mystery bone that I hit while scarfing down the dry thing labeled "sandwich" (priceless). Derik eventually shows up and then the real fun begins! The Magic Time Machine! Tune in Monday to read about it.