Bored of the Rings: The WatchTower

I remember growing up, hearing references and/or jokes about Jehovah Witnesses on The Tonight Show, TV shows, etc. They're a big part of pop culture, but until recently I'd never actually come in contact with one. Until now. Six times, to be exact, and counting. I assumed what the stereotyping and jokes were just exaggeration. It's not. They do really knock on your door. They do really talk to you forever. And they do annoy you with their spiritual sales pitch. It's all true! Who knew?

I do. Unfortunately. I know I sound like a raving asshole most of the time in my blogs, and on some level I am that person. But on the surface, I really do try to treat everyone, the way I'd like to be treated, until they give me a reason not to. Well, that's not totally true. I do tend to give good-looking people the cold shoulder. It's hard wired in my brain. It's been my experience they're never really as nice as they seem and don't have much of a work ethic, instead relying on their appearance to coast by on. But I digress. Like I was saying, I try to be nice to people. I soon learned that that was my first mistake when it comes to dealing with these nomadic martyrs known as Jehovah Witnesses.

My first beef with Jehovah Witnesses is their timing. Who the fuck wants to be woken up at 6:30AM on a fuckin' Saturday? Or any time for that matter. My "visits" have run the gamut from 6:30AM to 11:30AM. I make the mistake of answering the door sometimes, thinking it's a customer coming to pick something up or even someone I am expecting to visit. It never fails. It's gotten to the point lately where I dread hearing the doorbell ring. I think the saddest visit was on a Sunday morning, when some man in a powder blue suit (pretty) wearing a tie wide enough for me to use as a table runner, knocked on the door. I answered, and there he was with his wife and child. His kid was probably around 10 years old and looked bored as hell. I felt sorry for him. It's kinda sad when you realize that kids don't really get a choice in their upbringing when it comes to beliefs and/or religion. I guess that's why God created therapy. Speaking of, you gotta get a load of this article about cell phones and Jesus, courtesy of the Jehovah Witnesses: "Some youths use mobile phones to establish secret contact with those of the opposite sex." GASP! That's crazy talk!....whatever.

My point is, I've been way too accommodating. In hopes of not being rude, I've stood there in my doorway, propping the glass door ajar with my foot, letting "Jim" read to me from the Periodical-Of-The-Day. So wanting to scream "I can read Jim, let's wrap this up, mmkay?!" What really baffles me is that they spend their time and resources on various periodicals, pamphlets, brochures, etc., that I'm sure 99% of the people out there end up throwing in the trash (*see my small, but growing collection in the scan above). Couldn't that money be better utilized? Give the trees (and me) a break and put that money into a hospice or into the hands of someone who could use the help. Couldn't these "Witnesses" who seem to love to walk so much, use that energy in a more beneficial way? I don't get the whole thought process.

I've since learned some top-secret ways of making a clean getaway, which I will share with you today, because I like you. You've got spunk!

• The "Closing Time" Move- This is when you've opened the door, they start talking, reading, quoting, prophetizing, etc. The door is already ajar. When you're ready for them to wrap it up, slowly start closing the door and looking behind you. They usually get the message, give you the paperwork and hit the trail.

• The "Something's Burning" Strategy- Keep a kitchen time near the front door. Set it for 1 minute. When it goes off, tell them you've got something in the oven or on the stove and start to close the door.

• The Yellowpages Strategy- Answer the door with your cordless phone in your hand. *If you don't have a cordless phone, just detach the receiver from its' cord and go to the door with that. Once you've I.D.'ed them as a Jehovah Witness, tell them you are on the phone long distance, take their paperwork, and get outta dodge!

And last, but not least:

• The "eXtreme" Strategy- Answer the door wearing a bloody apron and holding a clump of hair (hair extensions are available cheap at most dollar stores). Rat the hair into a messy clump and pull out a fistful before answering the door. Answer the door breathing hard and wiping your brow. Some tomato sauce under your fingernails works wonders for "effect," too. This method will most likely rid of you of even the most fastidious Witness.

Now for this week's "WTF" moment. I recently went to a nearby 7-11 and bought a Slurpee and some candy that I can only find there (Reese's Big Cup). So I go up to the register and I'm behind 2 people in line. The first person is some woman and the clerk greets her and is chatty and friendly. Same with the second guy (some fat, bald, sweaty guy wearing a baseball cap). They exchange banter, laugh. Then I get up there. I say "Hi!" Nothing. I get "Is that gonna be it?" I'm like "Yep, that's gonna be it for today." Then he gives me my total and starts talking with some other Pakistani employee behind the counter. He drops my change into my hand and turns around to continue his conversation. The End. No "thank you." No nuthin'. What the fuck? The two complete strangers before me warrant witty repartee and a thank you, but I don't? Whatever.