Deciphering the Gay Personal Ad

*Part 2 of a 4-part series

In order to weed through the multitude of gay personals, you must be able to differentiate between what it said and what is meant. Below, I've chosen a random personal ad filled out and placed in the Yahoo Man Seeking Man area.

The "About Me" portion: Now, not ALL answers are in need of translation and/or interpretation. I'm sure some people answer the questions truthfully. But keep in mind they are looking for potential dates, so some men will say anything. However, there are key answers that are sometimes more than meets the eye:

As answered by person placing personal ad:
Age: 33
Marital Status: Single- never married
Smoking: I'll tell you later
Drinking: Drink socially
Living Situation: With roommate(s)
Have Kids: No
Want (more) Kids: I'll tell you later

Possible interpretations:

Age: 33: 35, but 33 sounds more youthful
Marital Status: Single- never married: Define "married." / Briefly dabbled in the straight arena, got married and possibly had kids, but don't want to scare potential suitors off right away
Smoking: I'll tell you later: I smoke, but know it's a turnoff, so "I'll tell you later"
Drinking: Drink socially: I'm an alcoholic in denial
Living Situation: With roommate(s): My "roommate" until I can find someone cuter to shack up with / My boyfriend / I haven't told my wife yet
Have Kids: No: I do, but know it's a turnoff, so "I'll tell you later"
Want (more) Kids: I'll tell you later: A definite turnoff for a lot of gay men. A safe way of saying "I want a child/children" once a relationship is established, without coming out and just answering "Yes"

The "In My Own Words" portion: This portion of the personal can usually be taken at face value, though sometimes has hidden subtexts:

Examples of random "In My Own Words" portions:

(1) "I am 6"2'/180/tanned and toned/smooth athletic build/looking for someone to date/like to go out occasionally but tired of the bar scene here in dallas"
Translation: "I'm arrogant and picky. When I say I'm "tired of the bar scene in Dallas," that doesn't mean I'm tired of barhopping. There are plenty of bars in surrounding cities where nobody knows me and my "I'll fuck anything with a pulse-reputation."

(2) "I enjoy spending time at the lakes running/walking/blading/biking with my dogs. I like sports (but not a fanatic) and am into just about any kind of adventure."
Translation: "I'm a sports fanatic, but I said I wasn't to throw you off my scent (clever, huh?!). If you date me, you'll be a sports widow in under 4 months. And when I say I "am into about any kind of adventure," I mean there's no orifice off limits, anywhere, anytime. Why do you think I'm at the lake "running/walking/blading/biking with my dogs" so much? The fresh air?

The "About My Match" portion: Now this portion of the personal ad form is WAY open to interpretation. Again, keep in mind that they are trying to get a date:

As answered by person placing personal ad:
Location: Within 10 miles of Dallas, Tx
Age: 23-40
Marital Status: Single- never married, Divorced
Body Type: Slim, Slender, Average, Athletic, Fit
TV Watching: Any
Smoking: Any
Drinking: Drinks socially, Drinks Regularly
Living Situation: Alone, With pets, With roomate(s), Family and friends visit often
Have Kids: No
Want (more) Kids: Any
Employment Status: Full-time, Part-time, Self-employed, Student, Work at home
Occupation: Any
Income: Any

Possible interpretations:

Location: Within 10 miles of Dallas, Tx: I say 10 miles, but I'll meet just about anyone, anywhere, at any time
Age: 23-40: I say 23-40, but will jump at the chance to date a member of the cast of The O.C. / Won't hesitate dropping you like a hot rock, if you're a 40 year old who actually looks 40
Marital Status: Single- never married, Divorced: I'll take anything, until I see emotional baggage
Body Type: Slim, Slender, Average, Athletic, Fit: I pick a broad range, to give the illusion that I'm a real person, but honestly hope only hardbodies apply
TV Watching: Any: We'll curb your TV watching habit, once we start dating
Smoking: Any: We'll curb your smoking habit, once we start dating
Drinking: Drinks socially, Drinks Regularly: Barflies need apply
Living Situation: Alone, With pets, With roomate(s), Family and friends visit often: We'll curb your their visits, once we start dating
Have Kids: No: I'll budge on the subject if you're rich or really hot
Want (more) Kids: Any: If you're really rich or hot, I'm flexible
Employment Status: Full-time, Part-time, Self-employed, Student, Work at home: I'll wait to see what you look like and/or how your financial limitations affect me in accordance to our dating experiences, before I dump you
Occupation: Any: *see above
Income: Any: * see above

And last, but not least, directly to the left of each personal ad is the optional area for a photo, or in some cases photos. Those in-the-know, know that the more pictures, the more possibilities to show off what they've interpreted as their "fabulous" surroundings, "looks" and/or photographic techniques (i.e. the ever-dramatic "B&W photo." Red flags: Shirtless, Shirtless in front of the computer, vacation photos in fabulous destinations and, of course, the always popular nude photo.

Tomorrow: Shattering the "all gay men are hot" stereotype.