Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Whatever. Vol. 1

First off, let me preface this post by saying I was originally going to title this post "Assholes," but then I thought better of it since things like products and such can't necessarily be considered "Assholes." I instead settled on the more appropriate, eye roll-inducing title of "Whatever." Say hello to volume 1 of 2.

[1] Yes, I too am on Myspace and like anything, it has its merits. It's a fun distraction, but my life doesn't revolve around it. I've made some cool friends and actually recently met someone locally (friendship only, so keep that wedding rice in your pants). Then there's the atypical gooftards like this humble hunk (This is the only pic he could find, so don't read into the fact that he just happens to be shirtless) who'd like for us to know he's more than a pair of jailbait abs. He's a theologian too. Riiiight. Whatever, dude. When he's not getting, like totally wasted at a party or trying to score some panty moisture, he's busy communing with God and kickin' it old school with a book in the great outdoors. Whatever.

[2] Meet the latest brainstorm from those crack dealers over at the Coca-Cola company: Coke Blak. I give this delicious concoction of Coke and coffee flavoring a shelf life similar to that of Crystal Pepsi, though Messy Marv(in) over at The Impulsive Buy found it to be a delectable flavor combination. I'm still highly skeptical.

[3] Seeing this pretentious ad, I now know I will just never get the whole gay subculture. There's something to be said for aging gracefully. I'm beyond burned out on the whole age-defying furore. Whatever.

[4] Speaking of shit, I love that whoever made this sign knew their audience. They knew that the inbred whitetrash who'd be reading/heeding the sign would have no idea of what "fekkes" was, so they gave it a subtitle of "scat". Hey, it's easier to pronounce and who has the kind of time for words with more than one syllable anyway? Whatever.

[5] Found this ad on some site, I think it was Myspace come to think of it (they love this shit). This guy that's supposed to be "hot" and enticing just creeps me out. Everything I don't want in a man. Whatta queen. Ironically, I think he looks like the boy king, Tut. ::shiver::

[6] This blog header literally induced diarrhea. I hate it. It just screams "tampon." I stumbled across it while surfing blogs ages ago and have been saving it for something special, like this compilation. If you're not diabetic, visit...if you dare.

[7] I'm neither pro East Side or West Side, but I do think this fucked up excuse for an online game is in really bad taste. I love how they carefully chose to use the word "Get" instead of what it really is: "Shoot." Whatever.

[8] I saw this advertise recently on television and my first thought was "What's the point?" All you're doing is transferring a pot of boiling water into another container, in order to cook the spaghetti. Why bother pouring scalding water into a smaller container? It's hawked as simplifying cooking pasta. Yeah, 'cause boiling water and straining spaghetti is a real brainteaser. Whatever.

[9] Meet Cindy. She's an introverted sperm receptacle teen on Myspace who loves discussing Chinese Russian détente and being on the honor roll. She doesn't know what sex is and you better not say anything sexually suggestive to her 'cause she's just a virtuous young girl who's just online to make friends and exchange ideas, so don't pigeonhole her based on her looks. The concept of online sexual predators, "hookups" and/or making plans to meet people from online is an alien concept to both Cindy and her parents, so if she winds up raped or in a dumpster somewhere, it'll come as a great shock to their system. Whatever.

[10] The newest "Anti-Wrinkle Serum" from Lancome: High Resolution Collaser-48 Intensive Collagen. It's a mere $60 per oz. and will improve your quality of life. You'll never get old, appear old or die. A bargain at just $60! Whatever.

[11] What a great game: Because every girl's sense of self-worth should be grounded in how much she weighs! It's important things like this that make a girl feel good about herself. I vote for 86lbs. Anything above that is just icky. Whatever.

[12] I know, I know. I already blogged about these Scarface wannabe assholes, but they still abound on Myspace. Let's hope his gun goes off in his pants so he can't reproduce. Whatever.

[13] Where do I even begin with this eyepatch charading as a thong? Is this really supposed to be "sexy?" Toss in a raging case of razor burn due to poor manscaping and you've got yourself a party. Whatever.


Anonymous Brandi said...

Hahahahahahahahaha! These posts are part of why I read you Kirk! I love the 'dripping with sarcastic' phrases your words play with my brain.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 9:32:00 PM  
Anonymous ocb said...

I wrote about the coke bleh also lol

trust you have reason to be a skeptic!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 2:33:00 AM  
Blogger Kirkkitsch said...

Aw, thank you! I'm glad someone appreciates my causticity! Thank you for the nice compliment and taking the time to leave it! :D

What?! How did I manage to miss that one? I went back to read it and I see we both agree that it's BS marketing and sounds like a wretched cocktail combo. Blech!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 2:41:00 PM  

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