Blasphemous!

• Artificial, "Carvable" foam pumpkins as an alternative to the real thing. WTF? This has got to be the biggest piece-of-shit product around. And for anyone who says "But it's less messy, no pumpkin innards, plus it's easier to cut and you can re-use it." In the words of Napoleon Dynamite, so's a corroded piece of crap! I'd say the point of Halloween is obviously lost on you. Get back in your SUV and grab a beeper from Olive Garden. They'll let you know when your table is ready.

• Articles like the one found in The Dallas Morning News, entitled: "Make Halloween Treats a Little Less Frightening." I'm sure an opening sentence like "At a time when childhood obesity has reached epidemic proportions... is just the angle you were going for, but gimme a fuckin' break. First off, obesity in anyone is all about moderation. Halloween comes once a year, so give the scare tactics a rest and let kids be kids for a change. Not everything in life has to be monitored and doled out like some kind of clone factory. The same goes for Christmastime. If I read one more generic article about how to keep trim during the holidays, I think I'll puke.

• White pumpkins are Martha Stewart-wannabe-styled foo foo bullshit. Believe it or not, not everything in this world needs a "facelift." Jack o' lanterns are orange, not white. Enough already with the Women's Day approach to Halloween!

• Shame on the news media for adding to the anti-Halloween propaganda under the guise of hard-hitting news. It kicks in earlier and earlier each year and really begins to take flight about 2-3 weeks before Halloween. Whether it's the dire announcement of "Trick or Treating: There's a lot more to be frightened of than ghosts and goblins. Stay tuned for our exclusive story," or random pot heads putting 'shrooms into candy bars and selling them to other potheads (the only correlation being that candy and Halloween are synonymous...other than that absolutely ZERO connection), to Halloween thieves stealing lawn decorations (That's news? I call that Friday night.), it's ludicrous. I'm so sick of the vilifying of Halloween.

• "Fall Festivals." Gimme a fuckin' break already. Yeah, we get it, Biblethumpers. Halloween is the Devil's holiday as far as you're concerned. How could we forget, what with the church marquees that say things like "Celebrate the light, not the darkness," around this time of year. Not to mention these so-called "Fall Festivals" that you pass off as "safe havens" or "alternatives" to trick-or-treating. Whatever. We both know that these are nothing more than HALLOWEEN parties with a different name. C'mon! I remember our church sectioning off a room at church and turning it into a "spook house," complete with the traditional bowls of "witches hair (oily spaghetti)," "eyeballs (peeled grapes)," et al. We also wore costumes, bit apples on strings and ate candy. And what? The biggest shock of all...we didn't die or turn into serial killers. Ppphhllt. Organized religion sucks today. Nothing more than a bunch of preservatives trying to manipulate children into thinking that having fun and being normal is a bad thing. Shame on them.