Halloween Public Service Announcement

• Never eat a candy named FudgieDooks. I don't care how much you like recycled peanuts.

• If you receive a treat that you don't particularly like, a polite 'thank you' is still in order. After all, in this economy you're lucky anyone is giving you anything.

• Trick-or-treating is for kids. If you have pubes and/or a driver's license, odds are you're too old to go.

• For all you single people out there, Ramen noodles, eye drops and/or ice cubes are not acceptable treat for a child.

• Attention elderly (and my mother), a fistful of candy that you've had congealing in a jar in the kitchen since Gerald Ford was in office, does not make a good treat. No one wants a candy meteor that you've been hoarding since 1976.

• If you have pets, please note that they do not necessarily have to answer the door with you every time you hand out treats. No one likes a cold nose in their crotch. Not even the hardiest of trick-or-treaters. Some of their fathers, maybe, but not the children.

• Repeat trick-or-treaters automatically get something from the litter box after their first visit. That's the rule.

• Single people, never ask a child to "cup" their hands and then proceed to ladle hot soup into them. In this age of frivolous lawsuits, it's just not a good idea.

• If you're one of those people giving out little boxes of raisins ("Nature's Candy"), fruit, nuts or mini tubes of toothpaste, you can count on your house getting TP'ed in the future. Go with the sugar. After all, they're not your kids. You won't be around when it's time to peel them off the ceiling.

• Never allow trick-or-treaters to choose their treat from an assortment unless you like leg cramps.

• For those of you out there who are of the avian persuasion, Bird Flu is not a good treat, but it is one helluva trick.