Mr. Coffee Comes to Half Price Books

Yesterday, my friend Nathan called me up and asked if I wanted to go book shoppin'. Of course, I said yes. Nathan is one of the funniest people I know. We used to work together a few years ago and I can't tell you how many times I laughed so hard I cried. The crazy shit he comes up with never ceases to amuse me. We went to two nearby Half Price Books stores. One where I live and one in a nearby town. The great thing about Half Price Books is that every store has different inventory, since they buy and sell both new and used books, DVDs, CDs, VHS, records and magazines. The descriptions for the pictures below go from left to right:

• This is the sidewalk outside the first Half Price Books store we went to. Regardless of season, Half Price Books (from here on out, I'll be referring to it as "HPB") always has these racks of clearance items outside in front of the store. You can find all kinds of cool stuff really cheap, if you'll just take the time to look. I love browsing here on a nice crisp fall day/evening.

• This is the bathroom/water fountain area. I know it's kinda goofy to take a picture of, but it's just very clean and peaceful looking, much like the stores themselves. Notice the REAL plants. You won't see those at Border's or Barnes & Noble. Some moron might choke on it and sue you.

• These are just racks of books. They go on forever! All the HPB stores are like mini labyrinths of book bargains. Wheee!!

• This is my favorite area to look in: The "Nostalgia" section. This is where you'll find all those old pulp paperbacks, movie tie-in paperbacks from the 50's-80's, vintage cookbooks, back issues of magazines like Starlog, Jack and Jill and Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

• Okay, here's the scenario. HPB has a general VHS/DVD area up front and then a children's DVD/VHS area in the back, in the children's area. I always check the children's area too, because sometimes they have groovy old cartoons on DVD or VHS. So, I'm there looking at the spines of all the DVDs and suddenly I hear what sounds like an obscene phone caller slowly sneaking up behind me. Heavy breathing, like someone who's nose is stopped up and they have to breath through their mouth. It keeps inching closer and closer until I can smell animal cracker-breath. I finally turn around with this "WTF?"-look on my face and it's this little boy looking at the DVDs, too. I excuse myself for being in the way and move aside and he's all *heavy breathing* "That's...*heavy breathing*...okay" Notice the pants in the crack. Nice look, Puckerpants.

• Ugh! This pencilneck geek is just a showtune away from giving his first blowjob, if you know what I mean. Sorry folks, I calls 'em likes I sees 'em. First off, he was wearing some goofy sport jacket/T-shirt combo, which was WAY too old for someone his age. Johnny Knoxville, maybe. Muppet Baby, no. Second, he's speaking in this tone of voice that's reminiscent of those kids we went to school with who were way ahead of everyone else academically, you know the "Yes Father, that'd be delightful", weird mini-adult-tone. So annoying. So anyway, he keeps whining to his dad how it's "not fair" because his dad won't take him to another HPB location up the street and how they always go where he (his dad) wants to go. His father basically keeps saying that's irrelevant. So he starts getting really obnoxious and increasingly louder and louder finally says huffily "Thank you Father for being so honest. This is not fair!" Then there's a pause and he starts up AGAIN. Man! I wanted to punt him across the fuckin' room. If I'd pulled that shit, not to mention getting loud AND whiny in a public place, with MY parents, they would have busted my ass. Today's parents are spineless pussies. Then they wonder why their kids are such a "handful." Gee, I wonder.

• This is a mom & pop video store that Nathan and I stopped at on the way back from the first HPB. I love to look around in there because they're always selling their old out-of-print VHS, plus they carry all that great old shit you remember from the 80's, that places like Lackbuster wouldn't be caught dead with. Shock Waves in the original clamshell, anyone? Niiice

• We stopped and ate dinner at Arby's. Mmmm Chicken Bacon Swiss!

• This is the second HPB store we went to. This is their "Banned Books" display. I thought it was kinda cool. I like anything that promotes pissing off the politically correct. They had free bookmarks at the counter that said: "WARNING: Banned Books Are Everywhere. READ ONE." And on the back it said "Side Effects of Reading Banned Books may include laughing, crying, questioning, anger, gratitude, and learning." Food for thought.

• This is the area of the bookstore where they keep the Nostalgia section. There are tables and chairs and a couple of couches around, where you can drink complimentary coffee or just sit and read. Me likee.

• And last, but certainly not least, this kid. I first heard him when Nathan and I were in the DVD section, and thought to myself "WTF is that noise?". As it turns out, it was this kid and he kept making this sound, kinda like when your throat itches and you make it vibrate to "scratch" it? Kinda like "kuuuuuuuh." Sounds kinda like a coffee percolator. Well, that's the sound.

So, Nathan finally sees/hears him and says outloud "The coffee's ready! I hear it percolating!" I about peed my fuckin' pants! I had to walk away before he made me embarrass myself. For the duration of the visit, this kid was known as Mr. Coffee.

On a side note, yes, I realize he most likely has Down Syndrome, but that aside, here's my question: Why the fuck do parents with mentally retarded children always seem to give them the same goddamn Joey Lawrence-circa Gimme A Break-Dorothy Hamill-pumpkinhead haircut? WTF?! They're mentally challenged, not you, Mom. Get the kid a decent hairstyle. Jesus Christ! Poor kid. Reminds me of those two goober twins on Full House ("Jesse's" kids). Ugh! And you want to know the most ironic part of all? This kid was way better behaved than his uncerebrally-challenged counterparts I mentioned above. He was just lookin' around and making coffeepot sounds. Those kids were spoiled, rude and whiny. Go figure.