Let the Bad Times Roll: Remembering Sept. 11

[Deep breath] Okay. So today is the "anniversary" of the 9/11 attack on America. You'll undoubtedly be seeing it on every news channel, hearing it on every radio station and/or reading about it on every web site and/or newspaper. My question is why do people insist on commemorating these types of things? Don't get me wrong, it was a horrible, horrible thing that happened... three years ago. I remember actually feeling physically ill watching the news that day. And I can't really say I haven't held on to my own mementos of the event: A couple of news papers with the headlines "America Attacked!"/"Bush Declares War!" and a couple of VHS of misc. news reports for that day.

What I'm getting at is America's obsession with commemorating/sensationalizing these things with special edition magazine issues, memorials, speeches, gatherings, statues, parks, etc. I mean, for pete's sake we still commemorate the attack on Pearl harbor and that happened over 60 years ago! Then there's the more current Oklahoma Bombing (9 years ago), the Columbine Shootings (5 years ago) and the Massacre in Waco of the Branch Davidians (11 years ago). And don't even get me STARTED on the whole Amber Hagerman bullshit (8 years ago). All I can say is it must have been a slow news year. Sad? Yes. History-making? No. Kids disappear every year. You have to ask yourself what made this case so special? It's so obvious her media whore parents were involved somehow. And now those cuckoo birds and countless others gather each year to hold a memorial at the dumpster behind the grocery store where she was last seen. With all this mourning, the silk roses and tiny stuffed teddy bear industry must be making a killing (no pun intended).

So, to insure that we, as a country, can be miserable, depressed and melancholy all year long, I've come up with some holidays that we can all be a part of.

• January 23- Root Canal Day. Held two weeks before Valentine's Day, but after New Year's Eve. This holiday will allow all people who either have a fear of going to the dentist and/or who have had horrifying memories of a past root canal, filling or even bimonthly cleaning, to gather together and listen to shrill dentist drills, hold hands and share memories. All while donning a paper bib.

• March 18- Fatal Car Accident Day. Held the day after St. Patrick's Day, to correspond with all the drinking the prior day. This holiday will be commemorated by friends and family of victims of fatal car accidents. Revelers will be able to get together and rehash each and every horrible incident. Sharing newspaper clippings, autopsy reports/photos, and even police squad car-cam footage. Cumulating wil a shrine-making workshop concluding with the placement of these items at various road sides, highways, byways, streets, curbs and avenues around the country.

• May 8- Food Poisoning Palooza. Held the second week in May, Food Poisoning Palooza will kick off a week of commemorating bad food. Sponsored by The House of Bad Pies, participants are welcome to come up on stage and share their food woes in the form of original haikus. Everyone will have the opportunity to order the exact same dish that originally started it all and all meals will be comped. Of course, physicians and EMTs will be on hand. The last day will be marked by an elaborate fireworks display and drawing for one full year of free ipecac, courtesy of CVS Pharmacy.

• June 18- The War of 1812. This day will be dedicated to a huge memorial of all of those killed in the war of 1812. Sure, the majority of the families directly affected by this war have long since died, but their genealogy lives on. Young and old, American and British will be encouraged to gather along the Canadian border and along the Gulf of Mexico, to share memories, make speeches and place plastic flowers, wreaths and various stuffed animals at the site. Since this is the 20th century and we no longer have a use for actual cannons, a Canon™ copier will be raffled off and the winner will be given the honor of designing and copying fliers for next year's memorial.

That's all I could come up with on such short notice, but I make this solemn promise to you: I promise I will not allow myself to stop thinking of all the bad things that have happened to me nor allow myself to experience any joy whatsoever, until I am able to level the emotional playing field with at least one National Holiday of bad memories for each and every month of the year. Keep hope dead and buried. Thank you.